>For Nilla

>Nilla asked me a question and after reading it, it seemed I hadn’t done the best job of explaining things and getting what I needed to out there so I’m posting her question and my answer here. The fact that I wrote so much really helps the whole “needs a post” thing.   

   

“Okay, you may hate me when i’m done here.  

I wonder, truly wonder, if your Master is still your master. Sorry, serene, it just seems rather….hmmm…strange? that He is completely unavailable 24/7. I mean, no one works 24/7.  

even cops, nurses, etc…they may work 12, 14 hour shifts, but there is always *some* downtime. Some wee moment of the day to text “thinkin’ of you.” Hell, he could txt from the toilet…i’ve done that myself. A quickie text that takes 2 seconds to type and send. Who the hell would be the wiser ?  

It seems unexcusable that if he has “left” you like this, that he would not come out and say so. Unnecessarily cruel, imho. Leaving you hanging.  

And what if, after weeks with no hearing he comes back and says hey baby.  

Are you really ready to support and be with someone who would treat you that way?  

even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…their dynamic is built, firstly, on mutual trust.  

It just seems to me that there is something off in this relationship.  

I don’t know you. You seem very young. Still at home, still under some control of your parents. You don’t work, and do some schooling?  

Honey, you do what feels best for you, but from this old lady’s perspective, you’ve been taken for a ride. Off a long dusty highway. And left there.  

I beg you to calmly, clearly, reread your blog. He’s supposed to come home to you? But a date? a time? and no contact *ever* except for one word ??? After weeks of silence? This is not a relationship, serene. *shakes head*  

This is not a relationship, not even slave-based.  

This will be hard for you to read, i know.
Harder still for you to step back a pace, and to take that long hard look at your life.
  

I am not in your shoes. I do not live your life.  

but you do not seem happy.  

and i so wish for you to be.  

Please take this for the spirit of which it is intended. As caring. As an outside observer.  

I hope you find your path to the one you are meant to be with. I hope if it is your master, that he cares and nurtures you…because i just am not seeing that happening.  

Hug,  

nilla”  

    

I’m going to take that a paragraph at a time so I don’t confuse either one of us. (By the way, if any of this sounds pissy, I apologize. I’m not meaning it to but I barely slept last night so my wording is most likely crap today.)

I don’t hate you. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve wondered if he’s still my master. I’ve wondered if I’m still owned. I too think that it’s strange but at the same time I’ve known this guy for a couple years, I know what his ex gfs think of him and I know what his job is like and what his work ethic is like.

He doesn’t have down time because he’s the only person in charge, if he’s not training people, setting up stores, delivering products, pitching, checking up on people, doing paperwork and training himself for his new position then everything falls apart. He doesn’t have a second banana; he’s the only one. He controls the market in the biggest city in Canada plus 5 or 6 smaller cities around it. He works all day and drives/works all night usually. When he’s not he passes out instantly because he is constantly working. I’m honestly surprised that he hasn’t worked himself to the point of being sick, maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. I’ve thought that he could text me from the bathroom too; I know it only takes two seconds to text “mine.”  I’m upset that he hasn’t text me but there is a million reasons why he hasn’t. First, he’s male…guys sometimes don’t think that way. He normally does if he’s as run down as I think he is… he’s probably barely functioning. It could be that he’s just having an unusually busy couple weeks. It’s happened before, and if his boss is around like they have been the last couple months then it would make sense he couldn’t text. There was weeks before where I would only get one or two texts when he got really busy so that makes sense. It could be that he gets to come home soon and has to focus on his job and he knows I won’t be going anywhere so he’s waiting. It could be that we’re done… but honestly. I don’t see it.  I don’t see it being another girl either and I’ve put a lot of thought into all these possibilities. He just doesn’t have time for that and he’s the type of guy that if he wanted another girl, he would break up with me first. Not because I’m delusional but because I know the kind of guy he is. Every single one of his ex gfs are still his friends, still love him to death as such because of how well he treats them. He’s not the kind of boyfriend to decide a relationship is over and just stop talking to the person. It’s not his personality; if it were over I would be told. I just know I would be, I’ve known him too long to think otherwise.

He’s been unable to talk for a while before so I don’t really see it as inexcusable unless he was out partying and just chose not to answer. I can’t be angry with him over a job he can’t control.   From the outside it looks inexcusable because without seeing how much time this job dominates it’s impossible to explain it.

If it takes a few weeks and he comes back with a “hey babe” I’d want to know what happened. I’d want to know why I wasn’t being answered and he’d be informed I’d want some warning but yes, I would still want to be with him. He’s a great guy; I refuse to let a couple weeks worth of insane busyness of whatever is going on ruin what has been going really well for a year and a half. If It was only a couple months into it… hell no, he’d be gone. But I don’t think a couple weeks worth of no contact (for a good reason if there is one) negates a whole relationship. Especially one that means so much to both of us. Even a few days before his last text he was calling me “his” and telling me how sorry he was that he had been so busy. If he seemed indifferent to it and the small pain (and it is a small pain compared to some of the things other guys have done to me. Which is kind of a measuring stick for this really which is why I’m not as outraged as you seem to be. I’ve been treated like dirt and been in an abusive relationship…this is like a tiny blip on the scale) it has caused me then I’d be more upset but he’s not. He knows and he makes up for and apologizes. 

We are definitely built on trust. That’s why I know damn well it’s not another girl and why I’m not getting too worked up that he’s left me because I trust him and I trust what he’s told me and drilled into my head. I don’t see being unable to talk as a reason to lose trust. Sure I get my head shoved up my ass from time to time and think like that but I eventually remember what he’s told me and pull myself out of it.

It seems like there’s something off because I started this blog when he was gone. I don’t have stories to post about the sex or the beatings because he’s been gone.  And mostly because a lot of the time I write my blog posts at night when I have nothing but time to sit and think and over think  and then my posts come out all twisted and upset because I’ve upset myself.  

I am young, but my maturity level is a lot higher than some of the 40 and 50 year olds I know. I am still at home because I’m taking some schooling and the plan I had made with master was to stay home until he got back and then move in with him. There’s no sense in me moving out for a couple months, going through all the crap to set that up only to have to repack everything, get rid of most of my stuff and move again. It’s just simpler for me to stay here. As far as control… not really. I pretty much run the house since my mother works and my father doesn’t cook and clean. And I am old enough that I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. The only thing they control is really where I do it because I have no interest in driving. If I really want to go somewhere I walk but it would be the same at masters. If I wanted to go somewhere far enough he’d drive me or I’d walk.

It is a relationship. It’s just not one you’d choose or choose to stay in. The way you describe what you have with your wife, it’s basically roommates at this point. I wouldn’t choose to stay there, I couldn’t  and I think it’s great that you’ve found another relationship. But, this is my relationship… I have no interest in walking away or finding another one. No relationship is perfect, and only this couple weeks have been the only bump him and I have had so far. I don’t think it’s worth throwing away a relationship and man I love over. On top of the fact, he is the best guy I’ve dated, when he’s around or even able to text I am deliriously happy and I refuse to give that up when I don’t know what’s going on. It could be nothing and I’d be throwing away pretty much the only thing I value over it. Plus, I’m property. Property does not walk away, if I was truly unhappy… yes I’d go. But I’m not. I’m happy where I am, I’m just not happy with the situation right now.  

I’ve taken that long hard look over the last couple weeks. That’s how I’ve come to these conclusions. I’m not just spewing them out of anger or naivety or some crazy illusions I’ve dug myself into. If it turns out that we are done, then/.. It’ll suck, but I’ll deal with it. And I’ll know that I did everything I could to make it work. I’ll know that it wasn’t my fault I lost something so precious to me, it was his. I refuse to be responsible for breaking something in me that big when I don’t need to and it probably isn’t even necessary.  

I seem unhappy because there are days where I let it get to me more than others. Days where I do get upset. But those days are fairly rare. I’m usually able to pull myself out of it. I post here to vent and get things out so I don’t hold them in and get unhappy. I use this blog almost as a catharsis. I need to write somewhere to get these feelings and thoughts out… so I come here instead of letting them drive me crazy. I usually write here at night… I feel lonely at night because nobody is able to talk… that amplifies it.  

I’m on the path I want to be on right now. It’s not a pretty, easy, flowery path but none of them are all the time. Every path has a twist or a bump but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path or that you should jump ship and pick a new one. Master completely cares and nurtures me. Not the last couple months because it’s pretty hard when he’s miles away, and communication is hard. There were times he phoned and fell asleep instantly. I’ve been told that one day he walked into his house, paused to take his coat off and woke up 6 hours later on his knees on the couch, face buried in the arm because he was so tired he stopped for a second and fell asleep still standing. It’s hard for him right now. When he was here he was the most caring, loving person I’d ever met. He put me on a diet because he wants me healthy. He wants me to write because he knows I love to do. He’s offered to allow me to stay at home so I can write and start sending my stories out to publishers while he went to work and supported both of us. If I have a health scare (excluding the last one) he’s right there holding my hand, giving advice and trying to make it easier on me. He does this and many many more things. But its hard to write about a years worth of things on a blog. I don’t remember them all, some are too private to share. Right now he’s not around to do all of these things but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t and hasn’t done them. I haven’t been writing long enough to get all these things in. Plus I have trouble remembering these things in detail enough to write about them. I will write about such things when he gets back and we get back to the way we were, there’s just not much point right now when what I would write probably would make no sense. You have to remember that I don’t write everything here. This is just a tiny little sliver of our life, of my emotions. 

I completely get where you’re coming from though. Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of explaining why I wont give him up, or how caring and amazing he really is to me in previous blog posts. I know this was a caring comment and not a snippy one and I’m taking it as such. Again, I apologize for my wording and it’s bluntness but lack of sleep does a number on the brain. 

edit**  I just realized I missed a paragraph. It hasn’t always been one or two words. For the longest time we were constantly texting. He would phone when he was in the bathroom or when he was sleeping in teh van outside a store. It’s just been the last couple weeks it’s been like this. That’s part of why I’m not insanely. Upset. If it had been the whole 6 months that he’s been gone then yes, I would be. But it hasn’t. This is fairly new and not like him. Which is why I know it’s most likely work related. Even for the last month that its been one or two words he’s always made sure I knew Iw as wanted, was his and that he was sorry. It’s a relationship, it’s just not an easy one… but no relationship worth anything is easy. If it’s easy all the time then something is up because everybody fights, everybody has bumps in the road. Lack of communication the last little bit doesn’t mean I don’t have a relationship. It means that reality has set in on our relationship and that it can’t be perfect all the time. I understand that.

Also, every single D/s couple is different. So saying that “even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…” doesn’t really apply. No relationship is the same, no D/s relationship is run the same. Really, you can take the D/s right out of this and it would still be the same issues and answers as far as I’m concerned.

>Hossenfeffer

>Well, I have my new phone. I’m not entirely sure that I’m in love with it yet. I had my last phone for three years so this one will take some getting used to I guess. I’m constantly hitting wrong buttons because the keypad is smaller than I’m used to and I’m slow as hell on the slide out keyboard because it be tiny. I feel slightly gibbled really. It does have a Froggy Nights ringtone though and if you knew how much I loved the little frogs with red toeses you would be über happy for me. *Nods*

I sat down to do some work today. That lasted about two minutes. I can’t seem to wrap my head around it today. I read a question and my mind boggled. ‘Tis not my day for work.

I’m doing my best to follow Daddy’s rules. I still haven’t heard from him and I’m trying to make the best of it. I’ve tried distancing myself, trying being independent, and tried follow the rules. None of it felt right but this one feels the least weird to me right now.

>Another Day.

>Today was exactly that. Another day with no contact. Another day with a cold. Another day I push to get through.

I went in to get my new cell phone, I decided on an LG Banter. It’s nice and isn’t a flip phone so I can see me having to apologize for ass dialing people. I ended up not being able to bring the phone home. I’m sharing a plan with my family because it’s cheaper and just makes sense.  However, it goes under my father’s name and turns out that one of the bills got sent to a collection agency from when he was with this company years ago. BUT we were never sent a notice, never sent a bill. So all we can figure is that it got paid about the time they sent it so they just cancelled it but never changed the status on the file, so now we have to wait until tomorrow so the collection agency can be phoned and everything can be straightened out. I love my current phone, it’s great… but it’s three years old. It’s time for a new one. This poor thing has been beat to shit but keeps on ticking. It’s totally a kink worthy phone. I find myself familiar with it… beaten up but still working and really in good shape. I find familiarity in the weirdest places.

I spent some more time with my friend, we’ll call him Chris because I’m getting tired of referring to him as “my friend.” I think I’m getting more comfortable but it’s a little difficult with limited time. The two times that Chris has been here he has stayed for maybe two hours then he leaves. It would be nice to actually spend some time with him and talk. Every time he’s here my parents are around and they like him so… kinda hard to talk about what’s going on when you’re never alone for more than two minutes.

I’ve realized something the last few days. As I go to make my rounds in blogger land… I have trouble. I read some blogs and I am fine, I read others and I get upset. Not because what they’re writing offends me or because I disagree with the blogger. I’m just having trouble reading submissive blogs. I can read The Healing Journey because she’s in transition, I can read Seph’s blog usually because it’s about day to day life. But the others… the others I have trouble with because there’s a lot of mentions of master’s. And I totally don’t blame them either, I’d be talking about my owner if I could too. I think it’s part jealousy, part nerves, and just being plain upset. I’m just having trouble with it lately and it sucks because I love these blogs!

>Wonder

>I’m beginning to wonder what has happened to Master. I mean, yes there is that little worm of doubt of whether he wants me and we’re still together but lately, that has been giving way to something else. Worry. I’m worried. We have never, ever gone a week without talking to each other. That alone is worrisome. Add him not answering his phone, which is small considering I doubt he would answer if he was around a boss or employee but that he didn’t text after is a big deal. Now, we add the hospital thing. I ended up in the hospital once before and he was all over it, wanting to make sure I was okay and nothing was seriously wrong. This time I don’t even get a response.

Honestly, it is possible that this week has just been nuts for him. He’s had weeks before where we barely talked, but with his boss around then I can see not talking at all. But really… this is sooooooo not like him at all. This is not something he would just do… it isn’t and he’s not the type to drag me along (I don’t think) if he’s considering it over. It’s just not the way he functions. Something has to be up, this is not the way he is. I’m just hoping it’s work and not something serious.

>Hmm.

>A week of not answering texts. I finally broke and called him this morning. Something I don’t do because I know he’s always busy and with people he can’t talk freely in front of. But I figured between being ignored and being in the hospital I was justified in phoning.

Apparently along with not answering my texts, he doesn’t answer my calls.

Considering I already feel unwanted, not cared for and in all honestly like the world is crashing down around me I am now crying. Good news is that when I’m done crying I may have finally reached a point where I can just be pissed off.

“Hmm, so you do exist. It’d be nice to hear from ya.”  That was what I left on his voice mail. Seems direct enough.

>Quickie

>I’m totally not up to making a large post but I need to update. So, I will give short little blurbs and then elaborate on them another time if wanted, if not I will probably just let it all fall away into the blackhole that is my mind.

1. X-rays, 2 bouts on the oxygen mask with ventolin, 1 bout on the oxygen mask with a steroid. 1 IV, 3 trips to the bathroom where cookies I didn’t even know I had were lost, one fainting spell, 1 respiratory doctor with a great memory and 7 hours in the ER all add up to one wiped out slubbie girl.

2. Haven’t heard from master in about 5 days. I’m not happy. Especially since I text him several times about being in the hospital. I know he’s busy and probably doesn’t have time to catch his breath… but I thought he’d respond ya know?

3. I have one very caring friend that I didn’t know cared as much as he does. I was yelled at to go to the hospital and then yelled at even more when I got out and told him what happened. He worries about me… and honestly, I find that comforting.

4. Go read this post. I finished reading it and was in a little submissive puddle and longing for daddy. (and we all know how productive that was today! Why yes, I am slightly pissy today. I figure I’ve earned it until it’s beat out of me.)

>Drugs; I do ‘em

>Now before you all freak out and by all I mean the 5 of you :) I mean medication.

I are sick.

This sickness came out of freaking nowhere. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it I may have had hints yesterday but attributed them to something else, but lets start at the beginning shall we?

I woke up yesterday feeling great. I walked out into the living room to see everybody sitting in their respective places and talking. There was no tv, radio or computer in the background. This is rare. Turns out, we had no power. This is because the night before it had started to snow… IN APRIL! It snowed all night and carried on the whole next day which knocked out power in at least 5 different towns/cities that I am aware of. It had been flickering on and off all night and into the morning but an hour after I got up it went off and stayed off. This was not light fluffy snow. This was essentially sleet. I don’t know about the other areas but where I was living there was about two feet of snow on the ground by the time it was done. We spent the day with no electricity, no water, no heat, nodda. I was freezing…looking back now I think it was the start of my cold, it was just a really mild start. Finally at noon I gave in and went to bed for a nap, I was exhausted despite sleeping well (another Aha!). When I woke up my throat was a bit sore but it happens occasionally when I wake up so I shrugged it off. This was when I started texting Seph… and she bamboozled me into her misery loves company club under the guise of helping each other with our weight loss. :)

By 630 – 7 we had power again but having assumed we would be without it all night we didn’t take out anything for supper. Everything was frozen. After about 45 minutes of being undecided what we wanted we gave in and got take out. A.K.A. my last indulgence meal. Once dinner was done I went to my room and wrote my blog post detailing the new diet/exercise. I was so consumed in that, that I forgot about even mentioning the power outage.

Shortly after I had finished eating my throat got really sore and sensitive, I was popping cough drops like tictacs. An hour after this I tried showering, hoping the steam would soothe my throat. It didn’t work. finally I gave up and got ready for bed, not before drinking a huge glass of orange juice, neocitron and chewing a vitamin C pill of course. The two citric acid drinks mixed with the milk I had a bit before that waged war on my stomach and I ended up losing all of that before crawling in to bed and passing out.

This morning I woke feeling worse. My nose is full, my ears are plugged, my throats a little sore and I’m having trouble breathing. The breathing thing is not new. With asthma it’s just a part of my colds. As long as the cold stays in my head and doesn’t move to my chest I should be okay. Once it moves to my chest I really have trouble breathing. I ended up in the emergency room hooked up to an IV and oxygen mask the last time. This is exactly why I hate being sick. I can never just be sick, I have to have an asthma attack to go with it. Which is why I can never live alone. I can’t (read won’t for everyone’s safety) drive, I couldn’t anyways if I was having an asthma attack. It’s like trying to breathe under water but you can’t find the top and somebody is standing on your chest holding you down. You have to focus entirely on breathing so you don’t panick. If you panick you pass out.  And I just refuse to be alone when I’m sick. I’m not 5 but if everybody is leaving the house at night (for work or whatever) and I’m going to be the only one home, we phone my grandmother to stay with me. I can deal with being sick on my own… but if I have an asthma attack on my own… I generally can’t get enough air to talk or walk more than 10 feet… I would be finished. It’s absolutely terrifying. I cannot be alone when I’m sick, thus I cannot live alone.

This post took a dark turn that I was not expecting at all. Because of this I am going to leave it here… who knows where I would go with it. Causing myself to have one “WTF” moment is enough for one night.