>An explanation.

>I’m going to explain this quickly and briefly because I feel better today and there is no point in dwelling on it.

Before B and I were exclusive Cael and I used to play over text occasionally. This ended about a year or so ago. Since B and I are finished and I have been in an upswell of horny lately, we figured we would try again.

Turns out I was not ready. We got a few minutes in and I had the odd tear… which I honestly was expecting. But, then he hit a button I didn’t know I had. I think awhile ago I posted about how B was teaching me how to beg… we never finished that lesson, we were still in the process when he pulled his Houdini act. Cael asked me to beg… and I started to bawl. Which I was not expecting at all. However, considering that 1 I hadn’t really cried over this yet and 2 I’m perilously close to my period…. it really was bound to happen I guess. I cried… and cried..and cried until I ended up getting sick. Be it the crying or just a physical response, I don’t know. But it happened and it taught me I need to go a little slower.

I’m pretty much fine in general but sexually I’m not there yet. And that’s okay because I will be eventually.

As promised :

That is all for today I think, I have a ton of stuff to do today. Joy.

>A short intermission

>I plan on posting about the poems content later, but since my mood has vastly improved since I wrote that… picture? Why not!

I have one or two that show more skin… but ya know, this way I get to tease Cael and that totally appeals to me right now :)

Ps. I’ll post another one in the explanation post. It has lace and peekaboo panels. (See previous teasing statement for the reasoning for that comment :) )

>Rough Morning

>

His hands around my throat,
My legs wrapped snuggly over his hips, mind drenched in the feel of his skin
His teeth sinking deep into my flesh, a contented sigh
My breathing stops and chest betrays 

Eyes squeezed shut
Foreign fingers caress my body 

A cheerful ring and eyes snap open,
My own fingers roam my curves
But anothers words,
Not his, not anymore 

Again my chest betrays me,
Heaves deep until it hurts to breathe

Tears burn trails, just as deep from my eyes,
As air rushes back in, searing down my once claimed throat
Again teeth sink into my skin,
A refusal to whimper to give this a voice 

A rebel on its own, my stomach churns,
As it creeps up my throat and spills forth

Not yet, not ready yet.

>Everybody Has a Quickie Now and Then

>I really do not have much to say. When this happens I end up making longer blog posts because I just think and type. Then we get things like the Fanta joke. I’m apologizing for what may come now :)

First, my plants are inside right now. It’s been rainy and cold here for days. In fact,it rained for two days straight not that long ago. It’s just too cold for them to be outside and survive. Because of this I have held off on getting more. Lugging around 15 pots just does not seem to appeal to me in the least.

I got shoes for the wedding. I think I am returning said shoes. They are a size and a half bigger than what I normally wear… and they still hurt my feet, but going even bigger my feet fall out of them. Figure that shit out, I think it’s the cut of it honestly. I’m going to be wearing them for 6+ hours… I need comfortable shoes. I refuse to blister! The blister does not exist! (I can’t help but feel that I am the only one that will get that joke.)

I still have no pants. Hee.

B and I are certainly done, there is no “but what if” left. At least not in my mind. If he came back and wanted to try again… maybe… serious restrictions provided of course. BUT! I know this because he spent what, 2 hours, 3? Watching the finale of Lost. He can take that much time out but doesn’t take 2 seconds to text….even on commercial breaks? Yeah. Done. I say fuck it, move on.

I waxed my eyebrows last night. Ouch. There are other places that need to be waxed, none of them the usual places people wax but ya know… I lack the courage. 

I finished waxing and I was wet…. I had a “What the fuck?” moment with that. Who gets wet when they wax? I wasn’t even waxing anywhere near anything that could potentially cause that.

I’m having an upswell of horny lately. There is a “I wants to has a play!” fever going around, I’m sure of it. Watch out Sephi, it’s gonna get you!

I go in 9am Tuesday to get my hair done did. Still not entirely certain what I’m doing with it.

A few months ago one of my fathers friends added me on Facebook. No big deal, I’ve known the guy since I was 11 so it’s not like it was out of the blue. Since adding him however, my respect has diminished steadily. When you’re in your thirties and are still single and blaming it all on the girls, it’s not always the girls. Granted he has dated some wing-nuts. When you threaten to delete your Facebook account when you’re upset, and you’re a grown man; it can rub people wrong. When the daughter of your friend is more mature than you are, is smarter about her drinking, doesn’t dwell on relationship failure (even though hers was almost 2 years and yours was not even 2 months) as much as you do, and is smarter about your child support payments… maybe you should re-evaluate what you’re doing.

When you and the girl you were with break up, lay off. Be it 2 months, or 20 years… you’re done, you need to step back. Harping on things only makes you look petty. Getting upset and badgering people to find things out about her when she cuts you off, is not your best route. Neither is finding out what she’s doing, getting upset because she’s changed and then speaking out about it and thinking you’re in the right. Again, respect lost.

(My personal favourite) When you pride yourself on your intelligence, your writing abilities, and are just all around smug about how great you are… use fucking spell check. It’s “SuRprise” not “Suprise” … nice try though. It does however provide entertainment for your ex aka ME!, so ya know… keep it up!

I spoke to my advisor the other day. We determined that I’ll be taking a course or two over summer. I just have to take them home, I don’t have to do them. If I want I can keep them until September and work on them then. We also decided that I’m going to take a BIO course or two, a couple more psych classes, and a foods course. Doing these courses keep my options open. I can either take the BIO and psych and go into something in the health field. X-ray tech, psychologist, etc. Or, I can continue with what I want and take a journalism course and become a writer. I don’t necessarily want to be a journalist but some of the classes for it would be helpful in writing anything. If I really wanted I could go to school something in the medical field and write in my spare time. Or get a random job (as long as it supports me) and write in my spare time, and if I so choose, go back to school for either journalism or the medical options I listed. I have a lot of options right now. A lot of thinking to do. I has a ponder coming on.

As I was typing that last paragraph I watched my cat jump onto the table where the laundry was stacked, sniff over the clothes until she found my pile (it’s always my clothes) and pull off the first few shirts to get to the black on. Then she popped-a-squat. (sitting, sheesh) She loves my clothes, and especially loves my black coloured clothing. Oh my kitteh.

>Amusement!

>I had a fairly amusing day, managed to offend, shock and bewilder a few people. That always makes for a good day!

Things I have done/ said  that amuse me in bullet styles!

  • My ex asked to be entertained. I said I couldn’t do it, he told me I had boobs, I should always be entertained (He’s a charmer) and then asked why I wasn’t. Apparently “Because I have an IQ over 15″ is the offensive answer. I thought it was the true and funny one.
  • I met with my advisor today, we discussed me doing a foods course and possibly taking a journalism class at the college. She asked if I had taken a job search test. I said I had years ago. She told me that who I was then and who I am now are two different people. I laughed and said “It’s probably 3 people. Hell, I’m two people most days.”
  • That guy I wrote the post about the other day? Yeah, he proved stupid. I had suspisions about it early on but boy did he prove it. Once you reach 22 peeing on things as revenge is ridiculous. My mother asked what I thought about him now, I said “He’s pretty. He can sit in the corner and be pretty but he shouldn’t talk. It ruins the illusion.”
  • After talking to Chris about guys, I asked him “Are you a rare breed? Is there more of you? Is there a store!! I want one this tall, with this IQ, this personality…… and a remote..with an off switch! Where do the batteries go?”

And now for a quote… can any of you guess where it’s from?

“Well ____ once again you’re stuck between a rock and a crazy place.”

“I hate when that happens!”

>SCAB! SCAB! FUCKING SCAB!…Bruise.

>I have a small puddle of people who I’m close to. Why? Because I’m a scab picker. What I mean is, I’m blunt. I want the truth, you bullshit me then you’re done. I seek the truth and I badger until I get it. I don’t censor myself at all in any way with people who I’m close with, or even people who I see on a fairly regular basis. People that censor themselves or have delicate sensibilities don’t deal well with me.  I’ve had a lot of friendships and even relationships break under the strain, my version of truth is different from most peoples. As is my version of love, trust and friendship.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I picked a fucking scab and it didn’t bleed. I was talking to Cael (that name fucks me right up, I always go to type his real name first) about my body issues, and lack of self-esteem and where they come from. We got on to the topic of Chris. Chris and I used to flirt and tease each other and liked each other quite a bit. Over the last year this has changed as I’ve written about before. Once Cael and I had talked about it… I wanted to know why. I needed to know why. I function better and feel better when I know what I’m dealing with. Leave me out in the dark to stumble around grasping at ideas on my own I will get pissed of and attempt to beat the person over the head with whatever idea I find until the contents of their brain leak out and I can pick through and find what I want. … Dark side? I know for not what you are talking!

After a minute of contemplation I text Chris and asked him why. He answered me honestly, not wanting to be beaten about the head obviously. His reasoning was pretty good. Basically, he needed time to get his shit together and he has trouble doing that with a girl. He also thinks that we’re too close and too good of friends, he wouldn’t have anybody to talk to anymore. He doesn’t like to share quite as much with his gfs as he has with me which I don’t understand. I’m always the same dating or not. If I’m going to say it, I’m going to say it. The domination and playing is another thing. He doesn’t think he could ever give me what I needed out of that. Which he is soo wrong in. He totally has the dominant traits and I know he likes rough stuff but he isn’t ready to admit that stuff yet so, nothing I can do there.

I also asked him if my weight reasoned into this because I was curious about it. He said for a one night stand,it would. For a relationship, not so much though he wasn’t certain how it would work sexually. He’s never dated a girl over 140 pounds. All honest answers, all reasons why I have been friends with him for almost 12 years and why he is one of the only people I can stand to be around for long periods of time. He doesn’t sugarcoat things with me, I want answers, I get them.  We both seem to abide by the “If you didn’t want to know then you shouldn’t have asked,” theory.

I’ve always been one to tear the band aid off. I’d rather know than be in the dark. Even if it was a guy I was dating and the question hurt enough I cried as I asked it.. I always ask it. Honesty and nothing less.

>A Moment…

>….brought to you by the letters W, T, and F.

It’s three in the morning and I cannot sleep. Why? Because I keep thinking about this guy I met. Which for me is quite odd considering I’ve met him twice and barely talked to him. Thus I have no gauge for his personality and that’s usually very important. But, he’s hot. Very, very hot. Dark hair, these gorgeous, piercing blue eyes that just suck you in, thick build, and tall. I loves me tall boys. I have never dated a guy under 6’1” … I don’t know why, but that’s the way it is. Tall attracts me. Thick body attracts me… He has both. He also has a girlfriend… a ditzy, cuntish (and not the good kind, the “she fucks him around kind”) one but one nonetheless.

I’ve been laying here trying to think of a way to plays with him at the wedding. I’ve come up with nothing. Chances are he’ll have dumped the girl by then but…by looking at his current gf.. I don’t think I’m his type. At least physically. That however is not stopping the “I wantsta has a play!” thought process I have going on. This was worsened when he made a comment the other night about how he likes rough sex. My eyes widened, my pulse sped… and honestly, my chest swelled a little bit. I sat there thinking “Don’t say anything, don’t say anything, don’t say anything!” Too many family members around… damn it.

I spent the whole night trying to focus on something else, talk to other people. Everytime there was a lull in conversation my eyes wandered until they found him. …22, tall, totally sexable and kink vulnerable *jaw begins to vibrate* “Jashashasha” Words fail. Thing is… he’s thick enough that you could sink your teeth into his flesh and it would be soooooo good. I wonder about his teeth… I hope they’re sharp. Bruises are craved.

It’s one of those moments where I am forced to look down at my crotch and go “No! We know almost nothing about this boy! He could be a moron! Hot is not enough!” ..and then you hear in the faint distance “…but it is.” Now you guys are hearing my vagina talk too, it’s no longer just me. Welcome to the circle…

…If you can think of any way for me to welcome this guy to the circle too let me know *nods*

>Identity Crisis

>I’m fairly certain B and I are finished. He has updated Facebook with random things about 10 times in the last day but hasn’t answered a single text or phone call. In this time he has found the time to have conversations with his friends on Facebook…. but not with me, thus I can only assume we’re done. If I’m wrong then I guess I’ll get told, but I think I’m operating on the we’re done side of things. Of course, that could be because it either hasn’t hit me yet so I’m not upset or I deep down don’t believe it.. either way, it’s what is working right now.

Now, on to more pleasant topics. As we speak…type… as you read.. I am sitting out on the back deck with a cup of mango passionfruit acai berry tea, soo good. It’s a fairly nice day. (She says as the wind picks up… damn it!). I enjoy sitting out here by myself, well mostly, the dog is with me but she doesn’t speak much. Though I do tend to talk to her quite a bit, I figure that it’s better than imaginary friends. Speaking of out on the deck… I had some of my basil the other day…I’m pretty sure that I am in love with those plants. So yummy!  The chives are good too but not nearly as good as the basil… I have a thing for it right now. Cheap thrills people! I plan on getting some more plants on Tuesday, I’m not sure what yet though.

Hmm, what else? I need pants for the wedding. And shoes… and possibly nylons depending on what kind of shoes I get. Really, I have nothing to dress the lower half of my body. It could be a problem. Speaking of the wedding and clothing. Chris has decided he’s going to dress up like a cowboy for it. Why? Because it is a bike (the vroom vroom kind) themed wedding, thus he will be the cowboy and he’s trying to get me to dress up as a construction worker and we’ll be part way there… village people… yeah, he thinks he’s funny.  Lady Di (uncles fiance… I’ve gotten tired of writing an entire sentence just to say who I’m talking about) loves the center pieces… good thing because I am not redoing them! I lost enough skin to them as it is.

I’ve been talking to a guy I used to be somewhat involved with again. We’ll call him Mark. Gotta say, I didn’t think flirting would come back this quickly. On some level I think I know it’s done because I’ve flirted with somebody when I was with somebody else. This time however, it’s just coming out and then I’m left sitting there going “Oh shit! Outside voice!” Lately I have learned that just because B and I are most likely done, doesn’t mean I need to be alone. I definitely will be for a while, but I do have options. One of those “options” however, Chris does not like at all. Though honestly, he’s never liked anybody I’ve dated or even liked, he admitted once that it was jealousy, but since he says that door is closed… why is he still not liking these guys? My ex has also resurfaced. For months there he was great, no fights, no stepping over boundaries. BUT! the second he heard that I hadn’t talked to B in a while… He started pushing boundaries, breaking them again. Slow learner.

Last night I ended up down at the piece of land my family owns. It was farm land but since nobody here farms anymore that part has gone away. It now just houses a gravel pit and a get together site. There is an official name, but since my uncle first started it, it had gotten really big and saying it on here would give away who I was to a lot of people. Plus, I know there is one bike group that does occasional searches on their gang name and the  name of the gathering place, even though they have nothing to do with it since my uncle died… but really, it would just be one big shit storm, so it’s the get together site. Every May long weekend my uncle (different uncle) goes down there with a group of friends to camp. So last night I ended up down there. It was pretty fun, until I ended getting annoyed and sporting a headache. But I’ll start from the top. I got down there and Lady Di scooped me away from everybody so her and I could talk alone, she was tired of people. We ended up over by the big fire pit and slowly but surely everybody else trickled over there. Now this group is generally good, but there are a few who do drugs. I have no interest in that, so I always turn them down… but sitting beside 6 people who are smoking pot and drinking “tea” … you get a headache. Once all of that was put away, one of the guys that has a business making alcohol brought out some stuff. He had a coffee drink… which I would have tried but everybody was drinking out of the same bottle and that grosses me out… way too OCD for that. He had another drink he called pig snot… it was bacon flavoured vodka… seriously? There is a reason that hasn’t been made before. Who wants to drink bacon?! It’s wrong on so many levels.  Later in the night he ended up bringing out alcohol soaked cherries… and holy hell. I’m pretty sure they were soaked in boat fuel. It wasn’t long after this I had my thinking on girls reaffirmed. There was a guy down there, 22 years old, nice guy… a little immature but most people are at that point. I’m not older than he is but my maturity level sure seems higher. He brought a girl down there… she was short, if she was 5’3” I’d be surprised. She drank a lot, and smoked a lot, to the point you really couldn’t understand her. She got it in her head she wanted to leave… well she lives over an hour away… the guy offered to take her home, she said no, just take me in to the City (only 10 mins away). So he did, and she insisted on being dropped off at her friends work and he drove by and asked her 3 times before he came back to the get together place if she wanted a ride home. She said no and basically told him to screw off, so he came back down, drank, had some cherries… and then this girl calls and makes him feel like shit for leaving her and badgers him into going to get her to the point he was almost in tears he felt so bad when he left. That’s just shitty, especially when this person is supposedly somebody you care about. Just not right.

Another thing I learned… if you’re standing there drinking “tea” and smoking pot while complaining about your child doing drugs… you’ve kinda lost any sympathy or authority there. Same thing if you drink like a lush all day and get mad when your son drinks two beers in 20 minutes when he’s 15. You dropped the ball, and gave the kid that kind of authority figure… kinda hard to bitch about it when you did it. Some people I just don’t understand. And Chris always wonders why I’m not a fan of people… HA!

Edit** totally forgot to explain the title. I’m changing my blog layouts and themes and such for a while until I find things I like. I’m doing the same with my person at the moment.