>The Moon Never Beams Without Bringing Me Dreams

>A short blurb.

Curled up in my living room chair is always a comfortable safe place to be. A blanket, a book, tea or even an animal are all things that can be found in my chair with me from time to time. These things don’t make the chair comfortable. It’s the way the chair feels, the way envelops me as I sink down into it. Fucked up thought of the day? This chair reminds me of my submission.  Just like my submission it’s not always comfortable at first. Changing positions, posture, removing or adding things .. it’s all the same. Sometimes it’s pillows, sometimes it’s rules. However, it all eventually becomes comfortable and comforting.

When I can’t sit in my chair I’m not very comfortable in any other. I can sit in them, but it’s not the same. If I sit elsewhere long enough I can actually get sore. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t envelop me the way my chair does. There’s something missing. Going on 11 months without a master, there are things missing there too. I’m missing the rules, the intimacy, the comfort. I think I may even be starting to physically miss the word “Master.” I ache to say it sometimes, to be owned. To serve. I’m happier when I’m owned, when I’m being used.

Some of this is definitely alleviated by Cael. He wakes me  in the mornings, if I do not he finds a way to punish me. It’s a little thing but it helps. He also gives little commands that aren’t really commands… I can easily say no to him but I rarely do. It’s comforting having him around like that in little ways. He’s not my master, but he is definitely dominant to me. It eases some small ache but doesn’t take away the need or desire for a master I can call my own.

Words pertain to many things, they’re like dreams. One dream or word can take on many meanings, forms and lives.

>Lobster

>I quite like lobster, it’s good. However, I have named this post “Lobster” because that is what I look like right now. My uncle and Lady Di were having a backyard BBQ thing and informed me I was going. That’s right. They didn’t ask, they informed.

The thing started at 1 but I ended up over there earlier helping Lady Di make burgers. It was… interesting. By the time we were done the burgers we’re all uneven and, our stomachs hurt from laughing and we had driven everybody else from the kitchen. Apparently comparing burger meat to lady bits is disturbing. No sense of humor *nods*. When we were done in the kitchen a friend of theirs had shown up. I’ve met this particular friend several times and he still makes me uncomfortable. Not because of how he acts, but because he looks like the twin of my uncle who died years ago. I don’t mean similar qualities… he looks EXACTLY like him. The first time people in my family see him they all end up gasping, my one aunt just about collapsed. It’s like having a ghost walk through the door. However, my uncle was adopted and so was this guy so there is a chance they were brothers. It’s kind of freaky.

Once he got there my uncle and him went out to the garage to start working on changing handlebars on a bike and Lady Di and I went out and sat on the grass. I stayed in the shade mostly, I’m not a fan of heat. After about an hour Lady Di walked over to the liquor store for beer and brought me back a bottle of wine. Normally I don’t like wine but I had told her the day before about this particular wine and how much I liked it. Did I mention she is pretty much awesome?She are. So we sat out and she had several beer(it goes down very well for her) and I had a glass of my wine. After a while other people started showing up, mostly people I liked so that was a plus. I did however have to keep moving my chair back to stay in the shade and then finally everybody moved to the other side of the yard once it was completely lost. It was like sitting in a sauna yesterday.  We drank some more, talked some more and eventually I decided to head home so I could make supper over here.

This is about the time I changed and seen just how badly I had burned my legs. They are perilously close to crayola red. I am cursing Lady Di for all of her “Come sit with us” “Come talk with us”  “Nooo, stay out here” comments because I look like I should be slathered in butter and thrown on a plate.

This morning my mother came home and brought me Aloe Vera with a numbing something or other in it. I loves it. I can move, air no longer hurts haha. She also bought the patty stacker and mini chopper I wanted… I had a yay moment! Herbs, spices and kitcheny gadgets I get very excited about. Same with lotions, soaps and sprays… and pens and notebooks… Yes, I am unique :)

>Hooray!

>I actually have a little bit to say today so before I forget I’m writing my post.

First, today I went shopping with Lady Di. We shouldn’t be allowed out in public together, surely there is a law somewhere. First, before we had even left for town we had done something to embarrass my grandmother. I don’t know what it is, we didn’t do anything particularly obscene. At least not for us. Of course, considering how we feed off of one another it is entirely possible that she just foreseen the insanity and opted out. Of course, she didn’t tell us that. Lady Di had gone out to her car to unlock doors and open windows (It’s hot today. Good for my plants but holy hell I hate the heat) and I was standing the house playing with the cat and waiting for my grandmother. As she came up the stairs she looked at me funny and asked where Lady Di was, I told her and added that we were waiting for her to get ready. She then cocked her head to the side and said she wasn’t going. The only thing I had to say to her was “Ooooh, you’re going to be in trouble!”  Walking out to the car I could tell Lady Di was looking for the third of our now twosome. Once I told her that the third was not coming I got “Well! I unlocked the door and everything!” After which she marched into the house… I told her she was going to be in trouble. She managed to get out of it though, so Lady Di and I got in the car and started off.

As we were turning the corner we decided we should look for a house that was listed for sale. (The one I talked about in my last post was just bumped up by $20 000. Bastages!) After ten minutes of driving road after road (small town but the house numbers are all buggered up) we FINALLY found the house… right where I guessed that it would be. It doesn’t look bad and is definitely preferable to the one they were looking at that would involve at least a 20 minute drive. When you don’t drive it is kind of an issue.

The first stop was the farmers market. Quite a few vendors, however it is pretty expensive. The veggies weren’t bad but selection was pretty slim which really kinda sucks. Carrots, peas, onions. The end. The odd different thing but not much and what was there was pretty expensive and not having loads of cash hinders the “Iwantitis” There were some pretty necklaces but again, I know I can get better quality ones for cheaper from a pagan-esque store in town. Lady Di however, bought me a grinder of garlic, herb spiced salt. Smells sooooooo good. I’m thinking it would be amazing on homemade bread. I did find several other spices I wanted but just couldn’t get past the price. It was all from Epicure… and if you have ever looked at their site you know they are not cheap.  This has led me to a new obsession I think. I can totally make my own blends,  I tend to do it anyways I just hadn’t really played with it to that extent, but! if this is as good as it smells I will just have to do it.

After the market we went to WalMart. Lady Di needed pictures printed, I needed a picture frame. All in all… not that much to talk about there. Howeva! Cherries are on sale and I will be getting some on tuesday. You cannot stop me.

Remember that pagan-eque shop I mentioned? We went there last. I recently bought a purple beaded necklace that my grandmother loved so despite her attitude today (Who wouldn’t want to go shopping and be amused by us!) we got her one similar. Hers is blue. At this point I was introduced to my second new addiction. Perfume oils. Lady Di needed to get some patchouli for my uncle. They both love the smell of it. I cannot stand the stuff. While looking for it I picked  up several bottles of other oils to read them and during the process picked up one and the lid came off and the oil got on my fingers. It has been about 4 hours now, I’ve washed my hands several times and the scent is still there. I’m not sure what scent it is but ooh my gods I love it! I will be going back and getting some.

Finally, we went home and showed our treasures. My uncle got very excited when he seen that we had found and bought some cartoons he had been looking for, for a very long time. After which we all sat around for a while and started talking about a friend of the families that just died (motorcycle accident) and his will. Lady Di and my uncle then decided that they should do their own up at which point my uncle decided that I should be executor. Nope, really, read it again! That is a hell of a lot of responsibility, I can handle it but holy hell. He has a wife, a mother, two sisters and a nephew my age just to name a few options and he picks me? *Puffs chest* I is teh responsible. Whether it actually happens I don’t know, but it makes me kinda nervous. I tend to hold together really well but gods. Nice to know I’m trusted, but this is a pretty damn huge brick wall of responsibility. I’ll do it and he knows it but wow. (I’m done with “but” ‘s now.)Really that’s all I got for that topic.

The fact that I have been sitting here smelling my fingertips because of that damn oil is starting to worry me a little. So clearly, the logical thing to do is to get more. MOAR!

>Masturbation Is Teh Ebils

>It causes blindness you know. *Nods* Thus you must stop when you just need glasses. At least that’s my theory.

 So, here’s the deal. B left in September… as in 10 months ago. From September until now there has been no penis to vagina interaction. I must say it is teh suck. “Teh Great Suck,” really. There are two main problems with this. First, NO SEX! Thus, skin hunger is pretty damn great. Right now, I’m totally longing to be hugged and cuddled. It has been long enough I’m not craving a spanking, or biting (though that is totally there!) as much as I am craving skin on skin contact. My own skin does not suffice, which brings us to our second problem. Masturbation totally loses its fun and appeal around month 8, especially when there are no phone calls to supplement said time anymore. I can still orgasm, in fact I can orgasm pretty damn quickly…. but it’s just not fulfilling the whole need anymore. Since I’m not willing to do casual or random sex I will have to live with it but damn! You know things are bad when you contemplate humping the couch or start waking up with your hand between your legs… every morning. I don’t know who the fuck that’s happening to. It must be Sephi *Nods*

I have had a friend or two with not so pure intentions ABOUT ANYTHING send me a pic and/or video (one of which I’m watching right now and holy fuck is it mesmorizing.There’s just something about watching a guy come *shivers* Ya know?).  Because of all this my vagina is totally speaking to me again. It’s usually a “Oh! Why not?!” or “What about him?” phrase to it. It’s sounding slightly Betty Boop-ish. It has gone from sounding innocent to have an edge of slut. Sounds about right :P

>Every Party Has A Pooper That’s Why We Invited You!

>This post title is completely irrelevant. Nothing to do with the post, I however, just finished watching Father Of The Bride 2…. in which that song is sung and it amuses the hell out of me. It just does.

I’ve been walking every night for the last 4 or 5 nights. My thighs kinda hurt,there are some damn evil hills here. I’ve lost a few ounces, nothing much. I’ve been cooking a lot healthier too. Except for tonight. I planned on making salmon with some greek salad and veggies. I ended up having a burger and some greek salad. Why? Because I came home and my father was making the salmon… THAT I HAD TAKEN OUT! Why in the world would you just go ahead and make something that somebody else had taken out? Obviously there were plans for it. I absolutely refuse to eat anything he makes because he cooks it in a puddle of oil and seasoned the salmon with lemon pepper. I can do lemon pepper with some other spices on other things… but one fish… to me it tastes absolutely disgusting. A real lemon and some pepper I can, but not that shit. Really kinda pissed me off. I hate when people interfere, unwanted, unneeded and unasked into my shit. Irritating.

On my recent walks I’ve been watching for houses for my uncle and Lady Di. I found one literally just one house down from mine. It’s a beautiful on the outside, flowers, trees, fountains, streams..gorgeous. And the inside… oh my god… it has the kitchen I want, it has the tub I want… its open and just perfect! So, here’s hoping that they find out they can afford it and get an offer in before it sells.

Hmm, I think this is really all I have. I’m just totally drained lately. So Sarry!

>Me Again

>Yet again, I don’t really have anything to say. I feel kinda ridiculous posting when it’s pretty much the same thing everyday. Wake up, do random menial things, go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. Who wants to read that kinda crap?! But, I continue… hopefully soon I’ll have some good stuff to write about. Those who stick around, even through the pointless posts sooooooooooooooo get a cookie. But, I’m on a diet right now so it probably wont be a good cookie. It’ll be some celery, carrot, fake bake cookie… I just know it!

Speaking of diet… it connects to exercise. You know what else connects to exercise? Yeah, me either but I know damn well that I sure don’t. How do I know this? Because Cael is not talking to me, like he said he wouldn’t if I didn’t get up and exercise when he told me to. Well guess what! I slept through my wakeup call the other day, and didn’t get one today. Moreover, I was the one that told him I slept through it. Fucked myself over there didn’t I? Yes, I have been taking shooting lessons from Sephani and she is a damn good teacher because I too, am shooting myself in the foot. Now, if you’ll excuse me for a second I need to reload, for you see, I still have one more foot and I thought I’d take a shot at it as well. Ready, Aim, Fire! I have only been able to actually pry myself out of bed maybe 3 times since Cael has been waking me up. Though to even it up a bit I have been walking at night sometimes. (There’s a theory but it’s coming later.) I know it doesn’t make up for it but it’s better than nothing which is what I feel like doing. To be honest, I’m perfectly content to just sit at home and watch movies, write, and read. At least lately I am.

A few weeks ago I was sitting at my grandparents talking with my Uncle and Lady Di (Ha! Teary eyed and I haven’t even finished the sentence!) and my Uncle was remarking that they had decided I needed to go out with them sometimes. (This is something my grandmother harps on A LOT) So them bringing it up didn’t really shock me. What did shock me was being told that he thinks I’m a bit depressed. When he said this I teared up and I didn’t know why. I laughed it off and shook my head at him and his words were “I’ve been there little girl you can’t fool me.” They haven’t pressed the issue since, but it has made me think. It’s made me think about all the little and big things that have happened in the last year, both from external and internal forces. I think that I may be a bit depressed. It would explain why I can’t force myself to get up in the morning, I’d rather sleep… hell, I take that approach during the day too. I rarely leave home, when I do it’s to the grocery store and back, for a quick walk and back, or over to my grandparents and back. That is it, and honestly.. other than grocery shopping… I force myself to do the other ones. I can go months and not walk or go over to somebodies house because I just don’t want to. I go in spurts with my eating, normally I eat healthily but lately… I’ve been eating more and wanting junk and not cared about what it’s doing to me or when I do I continue anyways. Other times I barely eat at all for days, I just do not get hungry.  There are other things, little things. Question is what the hell do I do about it, if anything? Maybe it’ll just pass, maybe it wont. I don’t know.

On to happier topics, I got an invite the other day. An invite to play around with a girl. I’m seriously contemplating it. Which made me think, why? If it was a guy asking for occasional play it would be a “no” instantly. What makes it a maybe with a girl and a no for a guy? My theory? I couldn’t date a girl. Not constantly, exclusively and happily. I genuinely get along better with guys, they don’t get pissy over my bluntness or attitude. I like girls, but I could not date one. However, this girl just offered play… no dominance what so ever. Which is good, because unless I’m the dominant I don’t play with girls in that dynamic. I do not listen to them, I do not see them as dominant to me. There are some men that could never be dominant to me because I can outsmart them, out think them, top from the bottom and they wouldn’t even clue in to it. I’ve done it before. Women are just not in that role for me. Be it threesome or random play added to an existing relationship. I recently got asked about maybe trying a threesome with a couple, I really like the guy… however, the girl wanted to dominate me. I had to say no because I know it wouldn’t go well, I knew I wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t play the game. The guy I would listen to in a heartbeat, on top of the fact I react very well to this particular guy and I don’t think the girl would be too happy about me basically ignoring her. She’d probably end up trying to get my attention, or punishing me in some way for it and it would just piss me off and make me want to walk. (Not to mention being an add in and watching these two people together wouldn’t make me feel too hot but that’s a small factor compared to the rest) It would not work. Same would go if  I was in a relationship and the dominant wanted to add a girl or guy for the matter.  I’d take priority and be dominant to her/him or it would not happen. I’d even rather it was just a few random play sessions not a permanent addition to the relationship. I just don’t share my toys well!

>Boys, they’re a different fruit.

>I actually have a lot to say… none of it I can share here yet. I’m waiting until things actually happen to make sure they do before I share with you all. But OH! is it worth the wait!  It’s an amusing story and an amusing outcome. Gah! I want to talk about it!

I was over at my grandparents again (It’s boring around here, seriously.) My aunt was over there and apparently the night we were setting up the wedding I literally scared her to the point she was kinda scared to come up and talk to me. The unstable part of this is the “Really? AWESOME!” response I have to it.

Seeing as how it’s my parents anniversary soon, I’m redoing their wedding album. It’s 23 years old and literally falling apart. At the end of said album I am adding letters/paragraphs that friends and family have written about the wedding or them. It’s gonna be pretty…. once I get over the irritation I just suffered. My cousin…whom I do not speak to for various reasons… signed into her mother’s account and wrote her months paragraph for her. How do I know this? Because my cousin cannot spell, and the sentence structure is off. My aunt does not write like that. It pisses me off, if I wanted her to write something for the album I would have asked. She did this to a friend of mine that used to date a cousin of ours. She created a gorgeous scrapbook of things for him when he came back from Iraq. This girl again, wrote her mothers paragraph and signed her name. Really? Come on now. *Shakes head*

Since I have nothing else to say I’ll add a video. I’ve been addicted to this song lately.

>The Last 48… Hours That Is

>Bullet like because I’ve been reading for hours.

  • I emailed Nilla the other day asking for Nilla-ly wisdom about Shamanism. She didn’t know a lot herself, but! She sent my email to a friend of hers and I now have about 10 links with a ton of info! I are teh happeh!
  • During our emailing, I explained a boy dilemma to Nilla that I am not quite ready to bring to the blog. If her head doesn’t explode it may be blog worthy.
  • I experienced jealousy when I heard Cael was collaring his gf. Not because of the commitment or that it wasn’t me with him….but because she gets a fuckin collar! I wants one! Buying one for yourself is sooooo not the same!
  • I managed to embarrass the hell out of my grandmother today. Her, Lady Di and myself were talking about sex. Really not anything new with us. Eventually we got on the topic of bad sex…I’m not sure how but one of my ex’s got brought up and I laughed and said “Yep, if you’re laying there staring at the ceiling wondering when they’ll be done it’s not good sex.”  After a shocked “Serene!” Her jaw fell open, she hung her head and started laughing. Lady Di told her that if she didn’t really want the answers to those questions she shouldn’t ask somebody that would actually answer them.
  • Cael just informed me that if I do not get up tomorrow morning when he wakes me up to exercise he wont talk to me until Wednesday… my response was the obvious “Bastage!” Effective but low!
  • Upon leaving my Grandmothers today I was gifted 4 teacups and 4 saucers. Next time I go back I get the other teacup and the plate set. I sense bribery.
  • After talking to Nilla, we think I may Unitarian Universalist… which is basically like a kid in a candy shop. We take bits and pieces that we like from all sectors of pagan religions and make them into one that works for us. Which makes total sense seeing as how I like aspects from a few different sectors of paganism.
  • I’ve been in a weird enough mood today that my mother smelled my Coke Lime drink and proclaimed “Well, there’s no alcohol… maybe the lime went bad”  This was prompted by me playing with my bracelets and remarking that maybe thousands of years from now somebody will recover it and think that it is a ring… that maybe we were huge or a ring from a Diety fell down to earth and was buried until somebody worthy found it. Yep, completely sober folks. We think it may be a side effect of either no nap today or spending all day with Lady Di.
  • I like froggies. That is all.

>Update!

>Okay, I’m apologizing because my email for this blog has not been working. It’s not sending out my responses. So, I have gotten the emails, I have read them and I have responded… it just didn’t work. So! If you’ll be so kind as to look to the left of the page you will see that the email address has changed. Please use that one from now on. It SHOULD work just fine. I use hotmail for my personal stuff and have had no problems to date. In fact, I tried emailing Nilla from the old gmail account and she didn’t get it, but she got the email I sent over my personal account. Since my personal account has my name on it and this blog is fairly anonymous I created a new one. So,  email me there… previous emails from gmail will be moved over and answered there as well. Sorry guys!