>A Random Post Of Nothing

>I really have nothing to say, but I need to post. I need to keep the momentum going or I will fizzle out. This will be a very random post about everything and will follow no order what so ever other than it came to mind. You get to bare witness to my thought process…be afeared.

Last night I was talking to Cael and somehow we ended up talking about lap dances and pole dancing and I made the comment that I wanted to learn. Which is entirely true. I intend to lose weight, build my muscle back up and take a few classes of anything that catches my fancy. Unfortunately my fancy is caught a lot. Belly dancing looks like a lot of fun too. It’s entirely too bad that Sephi is too far away to take classes with me… and when I’m ready she will be even further. Not that she’d need to take a few of them. She gots her own skill :P By the way, Cael was absolutely all for it… I’m sure that’s shocking to everybody reading, I know it shocked me. *Solemn nod*

(I think I sprained my sarcasm muscle.)

I went walking with my grandmother last night and pissed her right off. We seen a baby and she was talking about how she was excited for all her grandchildren to start having babies. I laughed and told her not to hold her breath, that I didn’t plan on having them…at which point she glared at me and I spent the rest of the night being questioned as to why not. It started a shit storm is what it did. Now to be honest, I’m not saying that I’d never have them. I’m merely saying that I would be perfectly fine not having them. I don’t have the mommy drive that a lot of women do. If I have them, then I do and I know I’ll be a good mom… I pretty much raised a friend of the families kid, I’m basically in charge of my brother right now since my mom works nights and sleeps all day and my dad doesn’t seem to pay attention all the time. He asks me if he can go to friends, and I make him do his chores. I’ve also been around babies my whole life, between cousins, friends and now ex gf’s of my uncles there has always been kids around. Maybe that’s why I’m fine not having them. *Shrug* At this point I’m 50/50 on the whole thing. Fine either way. Evidently that was not the answer my grandmother was looking for because she pouted at me for hours.  After a while Lady Di got there, and seen me and the first thing out of her mouth was “Ohh the little bitch is here!” … have I mentioned how much I love her? Cause I do, she’s kind of awesome.

Speaking of awesome, it turns into dangerous when Wii bowling comes out. Wow. Lady Di is one person you do not want to be near when she’s bowling. She whips her arm. and wiggles her ass, and kicks her legs, and spins around, and throws it between her legs….you just know that somebody is going to be wearing the remote at some point. Funny, but dangerous.

Well, seeing as how I was just singing with the dog… I think my train of thought has disappeared. I’ll be back when it reappears or when I think of something else to say. Hopefully something better.

>Tonight

>Tonight I am many things. First, I am bored. So very bored. I generally talk to Cael at night, however he is at a friends dirtying (aka birthday of legal drinking age, not that that’s all they’re doing to him. I’d almost feel sorry if I wasn’t jealous. Seriously…he gets to go see strippers… I want to go… the only person I know that goes to those clubs is Chris and he thinks I’d embarrass him somehow. Shocking isn’t it?).  Since I can’t talk to him, and Sephi has a bed time now (cackles at her expense!) I have been filling my night up with random shit. This has gone swimmingly except I can’t seem to get some thoughts out of my head.

Dirty ones. …I can almost hear the disbelief (This is the part where Sephi cackles at me.)

Tonight has been full of longing, craving, and almost a body shakingly undeniable need.

What are those needs you ask?

1. A master. I crave the control, I thrive on the control, I feel safe with the control.

2. A hand gripping my hair tightly, pulling it. For months now I have been noticing that I am actually running my fingers through my hair and pulling it or actually gathering it up in my hand and squeezing. I find it calming. Oh rabbit hole, I always knew I’d find you!

3. A hand at my throat. My hand is not large enough. It’s just not, no matter how hard I try to stretch it to wrap around my throat right…can’t do it. It’s not even so much choking…just a hand at my throat, resting on my neck. It’s calming, it makes me happy. Though I do quite enjoy how right behind my jaw gets sore when it’s been grabbed a bunch.

4. Bruises….I poke at them trying to keep them longer. I miss them.

5. The tiny aches. Whether its like I described in #3 or something else…tiny aches and pains that remind you of being used and touched for days later. I smile every time I feel one of those aches. I want some more.

6. Teeth in my skin. Gods how I crave that! In the middle of sex I don’t feel it…not at all. I see it but it’s kind of an out of body experience… I see it happening and think “That should hurt” but it never does. It mixes into the sex so well and the bruises are always spectacularly purple. I also miss just being bitten unexpectedly and crying out… it’s a release.

7. Being pinned down or trapped against something by the body of the person I’d call master. Sometimes I struggle, sometimes it’s like it just brings a blanket of peace and calm and I just let it happen and relish it while it does.

8. Fighting. Not verbally, but physically. Trying to prevent something from happening and knowing that it’s going to anyways. Physically exhausting myself trying to stop it and then being pinned down for it.

9. The calm that follows being spanked, bitten, pinned, etc.

10. Having somebody that I can fight with everything I have…and knowing they’re stronger than I am. I may scream and cry and hate it at the time… but after…after I love it, I relive it, I hold on to it.

11. Safety. Not physical though that is in there… I mean emotional…mental. Knowing I can say absolutely anything, be myself entirely…every flaw and ditzy moment of me. Knowing I can show the side of me that makes most people think I’m insane because I can talk to myself or make myself laugh. Turns out I can crack me the fuck up. Knowing that I can be as dark as I want and it’s not going to scare the person away or frighten them. Knowing I can make mistakes, we can fight and scream and sometimes hate ( because you can’t have love without hate sometimes) and that it’s okay, and not the end. Safety of knowing that no matter, it can be worked out.

12. Insanity. I NEED somebody that is off center or think of me as normal… because if they do they clearly are not either. I need somebody that functions either like I do or can function with the way I do.

13. Cuddles. Must love cuddles. I long for cuddles.

14. I have been craving giving a blow job all fucking day.  I read this.  I linked to this blog a while ago, to a post this girls master wrote I believe. I seriously need to stop reading this blog. I end up in a submissive puddle every time she meets with him and then writes about it! Anyways, I read the post. Thus started the craving. Then I cleaned my email out….where I found several pictures and one not so much a picture of Cael. It’s not his face guys. You should all honestly be jealous because holy fuck. It’s a perfect suck me cock…it really is and it is burned into my brain. I’m not even going to tell you about length…and width..oh the width. Yeah, I need to move on or this will be the end of my post haha.

15. (I CAN STILL SEE IT!)

16. Random smacks on the ass. Seriously… they make my world go round and I really have no reason for this.

17. Random gropes… they make me happy and feel wanted. Fucked up thought process… I got it!

18. Snoring. Yeah, seriously. It’s an oddly calming thing sleeping next to somebody that snores (not gonna lie… I totally do it when I’m plugged up.Damn allergies!) for me. Maybe because I know they’re there *shrugs* My dog snoring is just not the same. Cute, but not the same.

I think those are all for now. I have emails to…peruse *Cackles!*

>Questions

>”Hi Serene! My name is Lyssa and I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, I even went back and read everything from the first post on. I have a few questions for you.  Since the beginning you’ve shown how much you cared for who you now call “B” and you’ve shown that you care for Chris and Cael as well. So I guess I have two questions for this. If “B” showed back up and wanted you back would you go? On the same coin you’ve stated that you at one point liked Chris(not sure if you do anymore) and Cael, would you choose one of those over B or eachother?    You mentioned a while ago that you were retrying your diet but haven’t talked about it since. How’s that going? I only ask because I’m trying to lose right now and finding it difficult. I also have a couple questions about Cael, if that’s okay.  You said in a recent post that he was single again, what happened? You said he was very happy and I guess I’m wondering if the same thing happened there that happened with Chris’s gf not liking you. Also, does he have much M/s experiance and if so how much?  I hope I didn’t overstep any boundaries.  Lyssa.”

Hello Lyssa!

To be honest Lyssa, if B showed back up and wanted me back I’d fall out of my chair in shock. I’ve tried writing this answer three times now, it’s been the same answer every time but explaining it just isn’t easy. Short answer is no, I wouldn’t. Long answer is, well… read back through the blog again… why would I want to go through that hell all over again?  That’s the best I have, every time I try to explain it I have no words. I loved him, and was committed to him… he couldn’t return it and that’s something I need to be equal in.

I would absolutely choose one of them over B.  I would even choose one over the other in a heartbeat, however that person knows who they are and that I would do it thus I will leave the answer at “yes.”

As far as the diet… I say good luck to you! It is possible, I’ve done it. It’s just finding that groove that works and makes it easy. I’m having trouble finding that groove again but I hope you find yours.

As far as the questions about Cael, he actually has a blog over here and I’m sure he would be happy to answer your questions. I’ll pass them on to him and let him answer them. He also has an email account set up for questions, which is in the upper corner of his blog. Feel free to send your questions for him there if you have anymore.

>Post….I’m clever tonight :)

>First… My muse is being a bitch again. She has been pushing a name at me for days. Wonderful, I’m listening….she only wants to share the name just yet. I don’t know if this girl is tall, short, fat, thin, brunette, blonde, redhead, curvy, main character or a filler. I just have her name. I? Am annoyed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled. Thrilled that my muse has come back after a long LONG hiatus… but more info would be nice. When I mentioned this to a friend I was sent to look at this . It is exactly how I feel. Damn hit and runs.

I’m trying to post more frequently, partially hoping the muse kicks in and partially because I miss blogging. I used to write a lot more. I’ve also noticed I don’t talk to as many people either. Sephi and I used to talk daily, not so much anymore. I used to talk to Nilla a bit, not anymore. There are several others but those are the only ones in the blogging community. I miss it. I think I may actually be ready to get back to that person again. I’m not really certain why she left to begin with, I know what happened with B had a large part in it but it wasn’t all of it. So, from now on I am putting forth the effort. Be a feared.

Now, onto the post I actually intended to make tonight.

Everybody has something that they don’t really like about themselves, physical or otherwise. Likes and dislikes differ from person to person and again depending on the person they are liking or disliking something about. It’s just the way it is. You may not like a haircut, piercing, tattoo, weight, body type, hair, smell, etc. on one person but like it on another. How you feel about the person colours how you see parts of them. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who was somewhat complaining (I’m saying somewhat because that MAY keep me out of shit. Just sayin :) ) that he was fuzzy( he said hairy but I like fuzzy better and it’s my blog!).  I’m not one to lie or try to soothe and soften things when the person knows the truth, thus I agreed. He is quite fuzzy. However, he sees it as a bad thing, or something he’s not too entirely fond of. I don’t see it that way, at all. On other people, it would bug me. It just would. On him though? It’s just another part of him and I have yet to find a part I don’t like.  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what he would feel like against my bare skin, or how calming it would be to be snuggled up to his chest. To me it’s just a part of him, not bad or good, just him.

>I have a lovely bunch of coconuts

>Coconuts, fitting seeing as how lately I feel like a nut. Yes, this is actually new. My personality is askew, my thought process is ..unique, and I rarely think before I speak. This however, is not the type of nut I am talking about. I feel absolutely out of control.

There is a lot going on right now. Not all of them are good. Actually, very few of them are entirely good but I’ll go into that in a moment. When everything else is going to hell I push, act out because I crave more dominance. To be put in my place, to know that no matter what else is happening I am controlled. A piece of structure, a smidgen of control even if it isn’t in my hands. There are not enough words in the world to explain this feeling, no matter how it’s explained… it’s not suiting, it’s not good enough. It’s like being half crazed. But, how does one push, act out and beg for punishment, control, and pain when there is no master in sight?  No matter how hard I push, how badly I act… nothing happens. Nobody puts me back in my place, there is no hand around my throat, no boot pressing me to the ground, no bruises upon my body. So what does one do when these things are craved, needed to make you feel safe? Well that I don’t know. I function, I push through, I have little to say because what I do have to say comes out jumbled and unclear.

As far as what’s going on? It’s several things. The only good one is the Chris is single as I stated in a previous post. As of the 30th I’m back to taking schooling. This is a bad thing because I am absolutely sick of it. I’m months away from being done, so I’m almost there but fuck. The courses I have left are very large ones, very time-consuming, very taxing. It hasn’t started yet and I’m already dreading it. I’ve had several people email me asking about Caels relationship status. (He has become poopular.) He is officially single. Though I missed him when he was dating, I am still counting this as a bad because I know he’s hurt, and I can’t say I’m a fan of that. 

The last two “Bads” are definitely the worst. My uncle, who lives across the country has months, possibly weeks or days to live. In the last week he’s had 2 heart attacks. Before that there were several more and several other things. His liver is failing, it’s not cleaning the toxins out of his body and as such his body is shutting down. Unless he is flown out to where most of his family is after he dies, I will not be going to the funeral. I have nothing to do but to sit and wait, helpless doesn’t even begin to describe. Adding another helpless to this list! I have a …we’ll call him cousin (no blood relation but I call his mother my aunt and he was one of the first people to see me when I was born so that’s what we’re going with.) who is also very sick. He has preleukemia. He also has small strokes, or heart attacks.  They both mean a lot to me, they both probably don’t have much longer to live.

Drops upon drops of bad things. Would being owned help? I don’t know. I know I would feel calmer, safer, and afterall…when you can’t change things that is really all that is left.

This post wasn’t meant to be dark, wasn’t mean to be a complaint. These things are bad, but they make me wonder if I would be dealing better if I was owned and had that core, that peace that it brings me. It seems likely.

Btw, if you read that title and don’t have that song stuck in your head now…I’m not sure we can be friends anymore :)

*Hums* big ones smalls ones some as big as your head!

>My Night and My Family

>These clips are two of many that I have been watching tonight.  

 

  

  

And these gems are family comments, but only a few. Can’t let out all of the insanity at once. Afterall it doesn’t run in my family, it gallops. 

(If you can translate them, bonus points!)  

Dun Dube My Noobin noobin  

Peckerkillers  

Pinyow  

Poof you’re a zap of shit  

Toot Da La Fruit  

>Heee!

>Comment heard today by me, said by a woman my uncle knows, directed at a friend of my uncles. Clear? Good.

“You really need to cut this shit out or I will take you out. I don’t mean jokingly, nor do I mean I’ll just hit you. No. I mean I will knock you out cold, remove your insides, pull you into the bush and bury you so deep that you will never be found again. Knock it the fuck off.”

I? Think I may love her.

>A New Post You Say?

>Lack of posts? I don’t see a lack of posts. However, SOME of you readers are pestering me for a new one… I wonder who it could be!

The reason I haven’t updated was because I have been camping for almost a week. I got home last night. (No posts before was a lack of inspiration. It happens)  My family, Uncle, and Lady Di and I went up to the mountains. I absolutely love it there, it’s calming and centering for me.  The week was spent by a lake, nestled in amongst pine trees, listening to chipmunks and squirrels running through the trees and watching them play under the trailer, drinking (all of which caught up to me last night. Holy fucking headache.), hilarity that usually befalls Lady Di, my mother and I, insanity that my uncle offers, and by the end of the trip everybody was a bitch. It turns out that playing Yahtzee and beating people entitles you to be called a bitch, who knew?

Going into the mountains is always good for me, I come out happier. I spend the whole time thinking about nothing, I don’t soul search… it seems to find me. By the time I leave I always end up with a new outlook, or new views on something. It just happens. Space from things really does help. Or maybe it was the alcohol? We’ll never really know!  The rest of the trip I’m keeping to myself because I have no desire to really share it.

As soon as I got home last night I unloaded my stuff ( just my mother and I came back, the other stayed for another night) and scooped up the dog. I literally had to carry her, she’s a short little thing but gods is she solid. She has to be a good 60 pounds at least, and she isn’t fat..just muscled and thick. I packed her into the bathroom, filled the tub and picked her up again to get her into it. She was filthy! The water was almost black by the time I was done scrubbing her. She played in the lake, and rolled in dirt, and run in amongst trees…she had fun and it showed. Once I scooped her out of the tub (wrapped in a towel like a baby. Places her front feet again the tub edge and waits to be wrapped up and lifted, she’s kinda cute.) and dried her she took off running through the house.  During this running she managed to wake the cat up and alerted her that we were home, after which she spent an hour laying in my lap meowing at me.

I talked to Cael last night too, he was the only person I kinda missed this week. But then again, I can’t remember the last time I went that long without talking to him so it was bound to happen. Chris also text me. He made me verrah happeh. He dumped his gf. Gone. Remember her? Yeah, it is a very good thing! Maybe now I’ll actually get to talk to or see him.

After all of this, we decided we wanted chinese for supper and then I passed out. I was tired, I’m still tired and it’s very smokey outside this morning so my allergies are kicking my ass, thus this post is done. I’ll be back when I get inspired or my allergies clear up, whichever happens first.

>7 Hours Down

>Today, I am bored. So, so very bored. I am attempting to be good and not text Cael until he texts me because that’s what he wanted but holy crap on a cracker. I’ve finished my parents anniversary present, cleaned the house, read, dumped my computer and got rid of all virus and not needed crap, attempted drawing a picture, watched a movie, played with my cat and watered my plants. I have run out of things to do and am officially bored. Normally when I get bored, or just randomly throughout the day I text Cael. I’m really starting to realize just how much I talked to him.  Now, if you’ll go excuse me,I’m going to go count blades of grass :)