>Day.

>Today, I went to Nearby Large City with Lady Di and my grandmother.

I got up early, having had maybe 5 hours sleep. Adding that to the 3 hours I had in total the 24 hours before that… I was tired. I actually just about fell asleep in the car on the way up. I do not sleep in cars. My uncle died in one and since then I haven’t been able to be entirely comfortable in them, let along sleep. So that alone shows you how tired I was. When you can actually feel your eyes trying to roll back in your head… you really need to sleep more! Finally I actually fell momentarily asleep and bounced my head off the seat and that was enough to wake me up for the last little bit.

Once there we got to spend some time at the passport office. It was maybe a matter of 15 minutes. Then we had lunch and shopped. I got nothing, I seen nothing that piqued my interest. Plus I’m having a net worth problem as in it may be negative soon.

At lunch I had a coffee that was enough to wake me up all day. Seriously, it’s 12 where I am right now and I am still awake. On 1 cup of coffee. Normally coffee doesn’t affect me at all but I think I was just tired enough and this coffee was soo, sooooooooooo strong that it was enough to wake me up. (That and the 4 sugars I had to use to even make it slightly drinkable. ….if it pours out like mud it’s too fucking strong!)

When we got back I took my Big Bang Theory Dvds over to Lady Di’s and we watched one of those disks.  Now I’m sitting, contemplating finding something to eat and calling it supper and then reading and bed. Excitement.

>Prompted

>This question has shown up in my email twice in the last month. So, I’m thinking I should address it entirely, not just the blurb I’ve been giving. So, I will attempt.

How’s your diet going? You haven’t talked about it in a while. Is there somebody helping you? 

Well, to be honest it’s a stalemate. I have however managed to maintain my weight for a couple of months now and that is HUGE. My weight has fluctuated a lot in the last few years. It’s steadily gone up (I don’t remember if I ever explained why on here or not, but right now I just really don’t have the energy so I will assume I have.), so it staying where it is, is a big deal. My system might actually be evening out. Especially considering I haven’t really exercised.

Which brings us to the stalemate. I’m eating fine. What I eat is generally healthy anyways so the diet part was never a big deal to me. Indulging and keeping balance so I didn’t fall off the plan was easy. I had a system and it seems to have stuck. Which has probably helped with the weight staying where it is. Where the issue comes in, is exercise. I quite honestly loathe it. I used to love running.  A few years later having popped my knee out numerous times, it is not as enjoyable( and yes I know losing weight will help this but it sure as hell doesn’t help now!). There’s also the ever-present fear of popping my knee out, because holy fuck is that painful. Add that to the bed ridden back twinge (worse than the knee!) the treadmill seems prone to giving me and I am slightly afeared. This does not help.

In general though, I just hate exercise. Weights I like. Stretching I like. Actual exercise? Not enjoying. Thus, it hasn’t happened. In quite a while. Stalemate = diet good + exercise bad. 

As far as help, no I do not have somebody. I could. I know very well that Cael would help me if I asked. How I’m not entirely sure but he would. It just comes down to me asking, actually wanting it and whether or not it’s a good idea. Because really, the last thing that man needs is more power and control over me. *Sage nod*

I hope that explains it better. I am attempting to work on it. Right now its a motivation problem.

>Pass

>As some of you have seen, the previous post is now password protected. This was done because the person it centered around asked me to do it for obviously private reasons. However, the drill is the same. If you would like the password just email me and you’ll probably get it. (Email  address is in the top left corner. )

>Whirlwind

>Tonight, was rough. Tonight was scary. Tonight was clarifying. Tonight was helpful.  Tonight hell rose up, destroyed the world as I knew it and rebuilt it a little bit more carefully and better than before.  In short, it’s been a long night. But I’m okay with that because it was needed.

Tonight things with Cael and I ..blew up? changed? took a turn? …I’m not sure what to call it. Together we had a moment, a freak out if you will. We poked and prodded and eventually tore at each other until we were both confused, lost, hurt and couldn’t figure out which way was up. And I bawled and gave myself a headache. Twas a night.

What happened? Well, I’m not really sure. I don’t think either of us is, not entirely any way. It started out with us talking about him dating and him asking me how I felt about it. Being me, I told him EXACTLY how I felt about it. I think this is what started the ball rolling,and maybe the first thing that bugged Cael. From there, things went downhill. Spectacularly rapidly. What happened from there was a mess of things I can’t even begin to unravel. A mix of attempting to push each other way, hold each other close, move forward, stay where we are, confusion, fear,….insanity erupted. After we picked for a while more he tried convincing me that moving would be too hard. I would have none of it. (I told you I could be stubborn! Doubt me again will ya! :) ) A few more things like that happened before we finally got down to the real issue. He feels bad dating other people while wanting somebody else. He also feels bad because he’s dating when he knows I want him and he wants me. In short, it’s a mess that finally erupted. 

After the bawling, fighting, emotional kicking and pushing, fear, exhaustion, etc. We finally came up with a solution. Us being together isn’t even an option until I’m done my schooling. Then when I’m finished (and thus moveable) whenever we’re both single at the same time we will try. In the meantime we can date anybody we want. It gives him the room to date and not feel guilty  that he needs and has the security of knowing that we will happen that I need. It works for both of us. It allows both of us to function normally knowing that the other one really isn’t going anywhere and that we will get each other eventually so it should free us both up. That’s the hope anyways.

I have actually cried so much during that conversation I have a headache right now. The thought of losing Cael in that way scared me right down to my toes, like something was searing through me. Honestly, I cried more at that thought than I did over completely losing B. It would have torn me apart. Cael is very important to me, the eventuality of him and I is important to me. Important enough that I have actually considered what will happen when we do date before I move, whether or not allowing other girls would be an option if it was a fairly large chunk of time… and I think it is. That in itself shows how much this means to me… if somebody else had suggested that to me they would have been gutted. I thought of this one on my own and am okay with it.

Getting back on track, it was a rough night for both of us. But, we got a plan and maybe some peace of it so it was worth it.

>Long, exhausting day.

>Today I was gotten. Gotten by a wolf that is my spirit guide. I intended to blog all of the events today and lock the post. Then I started thinking, anybody that I would give the password to it is somebody I’ve already talked to.  I talked to Nilla about it first, and she guided me on what I gave her and caused panic in one of her answers until I started talking to Sephi and Cael about it and connected her comments to other things. Things that don’t scare me, reassuring things. So in the end it all worked out. I however, am exhausted. Not being able to concentrate on anything but the wolf all day, piled on with a dream and meditation… it’s tiring weeding through that much emotional __ (baggage,shit,random figments…pick your own word.).

It’s also a fairly private thing. Not something I want everybody reading especially since I know a few people who read here are either ex’s or don’t mean me entirely well. Those I shared with and went to for advice I trust. Admittedly only Cael got all of what happened and what I was told, which really should not be a surprise at this point..there are very few others I would actually share this with.  At some point I may blog about it, but right now it’s still fresh, still things I, myself could only handle at this point in time.

So with that out-of-the-way, I have nothing to blog about. I cleaned today. That is all.  I have done absolutely nothing blog worthy today. I’m still not feeling that great. Evil cold!

>One Would Think…

>Your regularly scheduled post will commence in a moment, right now I need to get some random shit out.

HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS THAT!

Really? Just now? I may have inserted the Qtip too far if I am just now catching on.

A month? A year? Who knows? NOT ME!

First feeling: Happy bordering on excitement. First thought after realization that he’s known for god knows how long: Fucker.

Now to explain. Remember that post I made a few hours ago? Yep. I can talk about it now. Why? Because I told the person that it involved. Actually, in all fairness I told Sephi first because she is the only person that would understand where I’m coming from. Why you ask? Because she’s been there.

What happened? Well, I had an epiphany as you read. An epiphany that made me realize that I am indeed owned. Not only am I owned… but it’s been that way for a long time most likely. I’d love to tell you how long but you see I don’t know. I just found out today myself. I just work here(HA! See what I did there? Funneh.(god damn it! You see that “Ha” right there? Yeah, Caels fault. Take it up with him. I have come to loathe the word/sound and yet Tada! There it is!)). It could be a month. It could be a year. I’m not privy to such information.

I will share a piece of a conversation Sephi and I had. I’m doing this because I Talked to her about it and I can’t seem to explain clearly right now.

“The white rabbit has struck again. Had a bloody big club too! I was in the shower…the place were all ideas are formed and it just struck me… I am totally fucking owned and I didn’t even know it.

Every single part of me belongs to ___. Probably has for quite a while. I can’t remember the last time he asked something of me and it didn’t happen. It could be years… it honestly could have happened before I even started with B. ____was always where I went…always where it was safe. We already know damn well that he’s dominant to me. He has absolutely all the control… I changed out a piercing size the other night that I’ve been humming and hawing on for over a year… he decided and I just did it. I ignored B when he tried to tell me what to do. When I talk to him it’s comforting and calming and makes me happy… it’s like what I had with B but even more so. I absolutely depend on him, whether it’s big things or random little shit. I have never once lied to him or kept something from him. If he’s upset with me I literally tear up and want to crawl around behind him until he forgives me. (Unless I happen to be mad too…but we’ve never really fought so gods only know). He tells me things I listen, that connection is just there. Even when I was dating B it was.

There are other things that lead me to this conclusion, but in the end… I’m owned. He knows we have the connection, he knows he’s in charge and he loves it….. I think he maybe knows that he owns me but I don’t know. I understand that it’s not going to change anything right now… we can’t date…he’s not ready and I’m still not moving yet. But… I’m having a real issue trying to decide whether or not to even voice that he owns me…. if he knows it.. he’ll laugh at me for being slow… if not… im not sure. But I have never once kept anything from him… 1. I don’t like it. 2. I’m not entirely certain I’m capable. Before you and Master got back together did you have that issue at all? Also, keep my mouth shut? I just don’t know!”

I omitted his name on purpose. Anybody know who it is? Cael you say? Why YES. I honestly cannot see how I missed this. His teasing “I thought you would have figured it out” was not helpful! But, I digress. He totally knows that he owns me. Has for a while.  After realizing this and thinking back…. it all fits together. It all makes sense. Maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t ready. I don’t know. Either way, it is kind of nice. It’s calming and makes me happy to know that I am owned. Even if I don’t call him master (though it probably would happen if he wanted it) or we don’t date right now. I still know it. I don’t feel off-center anymore. I feel stupid for not seeing it, but happy I’m not alone in seeing it. *Shrugs* Anybody wanna look through my ears to straighten the picture on the wall?