>Samhain

>Today, instead of explaining Samhain to those who don’t know what it’s about, sharing poems, rituals and all the like…I am showing you a picture.  That is all I’m doing. Mostly because there is an endless amount of ways to explain Samhain… there are even more poems and rituals.. so, I will let you all go explore on your own and find your own treasures.

Blessed Samhain to you and yours :)

>Unbalanced

>(Before I write this, I know this is going to sound totally selfish… but it is not meant as such. It really isn’t. I know how much the people actually in this situation are hurting, I’ve had multiple trips to the hospital with people I care for because of various things, some of them the same. So I get it, but I am not in it right now. I’m not meaning to take away from that at all, but being on the outside I can only write what I know and feel. )

I’m sure all of you out there are thinking that me being unbalanced…off center… a little askew, is normal. Well it is generally, but this is a different kind of off-balance.  If any of you have read Caels blog today (which you should have, I sent you all over there. …because clearly everyone listens to me. See that? Sarcasm thick enough to walk on.) you’ll know that he’s having a hard time. As any, slaves, subs, slubs, and owned beings can tell you.. when the one in charge is having a hard time… so do they. They want to fix it, want to make it easier, so on and so forth.

Turns out, I am absolutely no different. (So nice to be normal for once.) It is day two of the badness, and while I’m not in it… I’m feeling it. I can count the number of texts I’ve gotten from Cael on one hand. I’m not complaining about, I know he has a lot on his mind, a lot he’s doing and I am trying my absolute hardest to just stay out-of-the-way and be there when he needs me. However, that means not talking to him a lot right now. This is somebody  I talk to on a daily basis for hours at a time, I completely miss him. In the last couple days his ownership has been cemented pretty damn well. I rarely miss people. I can go weeks, sometimes months without talking to people and not even notice until something triggers it. I’m noticing.

On the other end of the spectrum… I have those slub feelings( slub is a mix of slave and sub that Sephi and I came up with…it best describes us) that are niggling at me all day telling me I should be up there for him. Doing what? I have no idea. There is nothing I can do other than be around for him, and every single part of me wants to be there for him. They’re those stupid little tugs on your mind that make you want to cook, or cuddle, clean, or anything you can think of that might make things the tiniest bit better, easier, or sometimes have no affect at all.  And yet, I can’t get up there, I can’t be there for him other than over the phone when he decides he needs it and I wont lie… it feels like hell. I’m actually teared up right now because I can’t go do these stupid little things even though they would probably go unnoticed right now.

So, I feel unbalanced right now. Yes I miss Cael, but I think most of it is that the slub in me has finally found something that the pain in the ass in me agrees with, the need to help,take care,make things easier on Cael. The slub has won the fuck out. So if any of you see somebody walking around leaning to one side? It’s probably me, feel free to bump into me and try to get the slub to get the fuck back on her own side… she’s weighing the other one down. (I’m not serious… please don’t go around bumping into people… or  don’t tell them I told you to do it. )

>A Day

>Today, my brain liquified and leaked out of my ears. Anything I tried to do today just backfired and ended up taking a lot of time because I couldn’t wrap my head around it. When this happened I took a step back and said “That’s it! I’m out!” Why risk making shit worse? I just spent my day talking with Sephi and a guy friend of mine…who we will call Aiden. I did my normal text Cael that I always do… several hours after said text I started to be concerned. It’s not like him to not answer me. It happens but it’s rare. Then just a couple of hours ago he text me, I’m not going to say what happened because that’s his to tell if he so chooses, but I am keeping my phone within arms reach incase he needs me.

So, tonight when I walked over to spend time with Lady Di I tucked my phone into my pocket. Which is really rare. Normally when I go over there I don’t take my phone, I just couldn’t leave it at home. We ended up talking and watching tv, it was a calming, no need to think kind of night. Good thing because I’d hate for the goo to have to run out onto the couch there too.

I plan to spend almost all day tomorrow over at Lady Di’s house. We are going to spend all day watching The Big Bang Theory, and I am going to work on some psychology. It should be fun, provided my brain has decided to work.

Now,  I am off to pester Aiden, trying not to pester Cael, and reading my book. Oh, and stretching. I didn’t do it yesterday and holy hell I felt it today. Unpleasant.

>Behaving With Cael; An Oxymoron.

>Today. I have managed to accomplish fuck all. (Remember that phrase, it will be amusing in a line or two.)  I did my previous blog post and spoke with Sephi, that is all.

I have attempted doing other things, I really have. The problem however, is that I can’t get my mind out of the gutter. It’s a warm, welcoming gutter. Every time I pause today, my mind wanders. It frolics through meadows, and down cobblestone streets. Whatever path it may take it ends up back at the same place every time.

That place, is Cael. It is a very sexy, lusty, need filled place. The place is evil. It sucks you in and refuses to let you go. It lures you with images and laughs as shivers run down your spine. Have I mentioned it’s one of my favourite places and seems to take after Caels personality? Shocking isn’t it?

I’ve been sitting here all day in a state of want, trying desperately to behave. Which, by the way was not helped when he text me… nope, it intensified it which at this point is a love/hate thing. 

Today, every single fibre of my being wants to be kneeling between his legs, whether he’s clothed or not… that’s the first place my mind goes. My face resting against his thigh, my eyes looking up at him. It’s not even overtly sexual… it’s submissive and it’s melting me into a puddle today.

From there my mind goes having one of his hands in my hair, the other on my throat, squeezing gently. At some point my face gets buried in his neck, being able to taste and smell him… it’s a definite happy place.

Sometimes I end up in his lap feeling him pressed up against me, Kissing and biting at any and every part of me.

Even now, with just my mind wandering and him at work… having no idea what I’m thinking, not responding at all, my body reacts to him. It always has. It’s like he’s had a direct line to me from the very beginning no matter how much I fought. He mentions things to me and my body reacts. It’s like a jolt of electricity being shot through me. Thinking about his hands on me… it has the same effect.

He’s told me before that he wants me to be so worked up about him that I become soaked as soon as I see him. I think he’s succeeded, I’m just going to pray that my knees hold and I don’t fall on my face.

>A Time Of Discovery

>The last little while I’ve had things pointed out to me, or realized things for myself. They aren’t specific to me, to M/s or to anything else. They’re really a mixed a bag and it’s got me thinking about other things that I may have missed. Normally I don’t miss much, but as most of you know the last few months I haven’t really been feeling like myself either. Part of this is what happened with B, part of it is losing myself in B and having to regain it back, more of it though… has just faded and drifted away in a wash of all the shit that’s been happening lately, and years before I even started this blog as well. I’m definitely still here, the pieces are coming back… but it’s a slow process. It’s a really morbid, and exhausting easter egg hunt, where instead of eggs you look for pieces of yourself. While situations have made me lose pieces… I’ve also let them go instead of fighting to keep them. Battle fatigue, I suppose. The point of this is to say that I’m finding myself, and this is leading to discoveries elsewhere.

Before I get into the discoveries I will explain the last couple of days, mostly because without the questions I was peppered with occasionally I probably wouldn’t have seen some of what I learned. Like Sephi told me “He leads you to the answer but lets you turn on the light yourself” A paraphrase but it captures what she meant. Lately I’ve been talking a lot with Sephi’s Master who on this blog will be Karson (I can’t very well call him what Sephi does, sorry if this confuses anybody… you’ll get there *nods*) I’ve been talking with him because Sephi gets busy or he just decides he’s going to talk to me. He be the Domly one over there. In the few conversations that we’ve had he’s asked questions and has made me think about things I hadn’t before, or in effect led me to the lightbulb. I suspect strongly that he just stumbles onto these things.

Now that I have explained that, on to the things I have discovered or been told.

First, according to Karson I am a “Crotch Goblin” and no, there is no way he would know for sure. It’s speculation… I’d much prefer to be the faerie barfing up sparkles. Except I like oral sex quite a bit.. damn it! Can I be a crotch faerie? …Come over to this side Sephi… we have sparkles and penis! 

Second, I have come to realize that I am most definitely allergic to Saskatoon berries. This was discovered when I had a bite of pie and my face went red and very hot and my nose plugged up. I’m a little annoyed.

Third, was a realization about B which was spurred on by Karson asking questions. He was asking about B and the relationship, and eventually what made Cael different from B. When I answered that question he asked if I differentiated dominants from masters. That is the point where I sat back and actually thought about it. The rest of the questions were easy. This one made me pause. After a bit, I answered that yes I did. A year ago, I would have said no. Since then however I’ve had the influences of both a dominant and a master, and to me they are very different things. I respond better to a master than I do a dominant. I’ve come to realize that while B had me call him master, tried to be one… he wasn’t. He was definitely dominant, but he wasn’t a master. Maybe if he had been around more than it would have turned out better, but I’m not sure. Cael on the other hand is very dominant and most definitely a master. I respond better to him, the whole dynamic has a different feel to it, I haven’t gotten far enough to explain the difference coherently, but there is one. I’ve also come to realize that I need a master, not a dominant. I don’t listen to dominants… I don’t react the same. I need the control and power, the force and feel of a master. Without it…  I just sail along on my own without a second thought for the person that’s supposed to be in control. With B.. it was really up for grabs whether or not I’d listen to him… he’d say something and I may do.. I may not. With Cael… he says it and it’s being done instantly. He follows through on punishments… and I need that. I need the control. I crave what he gives me. I just do. With B, something was always missing. With Cael, even without the sex.. it’s more fulfilling. *Shrug* I’m still working it out.

I’ve also been talking to Kitten and discussing some things pertaining to these areas and I’m realizing things there as well. However, for today I think this will about do it.

>LOL

>(While I want to write a post, I currently have a very burnt finger that is residing in a glass of ice so it will most likely be a one hand type short ass post.)

Today, here in blogland it is Love Our Lurkers Day.

I know you’re out there, I see you lurking! So if you’re lurking, too shy, embarrassed, whatever you may be..this is the day you can come out and say Hello! or anything else you would like. It doesn’t even have to make sense if you’re feeling eccentric. For the next few days I’m going to have the email requirement for comments shut off so that it will be completely anonymous. Give a fake name … nobody will know! If that’s still too public for you, shoot me an email.

Since my finger is really, REALLY starting to hurt I’m going to cut this short. Just know, that I appreciate every one of you that reads my blog, whether you comment or not. When I started I never thought that I’d get this many readers, let alone ones that email me with such caring words. So thank you all.

Now, if you’ll excuse me….I’m going to go threaten to cut off my finger.

>Triumphant-ish Return

>The last while I haven’t posted much with any substance, this was mostly because I was processing. Then, the last two days were a bit of a blur. Because there is so much and I can’t really put it into a timeline of any sort, I’ll do bullet points.

  • A night or so ago I ended up in the hospital. I was over at my uncles and he had a few people over. Generally not a big deal until I was left downstairs with a guy (another bullet point to explain below) and everybody else went upstairs for a bit. I wasn’t really paying attention or I would have noticed they went upstairs to smoke pot. I don’t do it, and normally others doing it wouldn’t be a big deal. Except for the fact that I’m pretty damn allergic to it. So by the end of the night I couldn’t breathe at all, (see also “The joys of having allergies AND asthma at the same time”) So, I got to go spend the night in the ER. I was in the waiting room for hours, so they hooked me up to an oxygen tank with medication in a little vial so I was getting both. Well here’s the thing, when the medication is the same as the one you use everyday and had been using all the way to the hospital, by the third vial I was feeling it. If you take too much of this stuff…or rather, if I do…. I get really, really nauseous and dizzy. I get pale and clammy and just gross. So by the third dose I was shoving the tank and everything at Lady Di and running for the bathroom every few minutes. By the time they called me back and gave me even more medication (a different kind thank god) and hooked me up to an IV (Which I don’t find painful at all, I don’t know what people bitch about when they have to be taken out.) I was over it and wanted to go home. Luckily I got to spend six more hours there before they let me. However I did get to flirt with the respiratory specialist. It’s our routine, I come in, he flirts. Sometimes I think he’s the only reason I agree to go in, in the first place.
  • Now as for the guy I was left downstairs with. This guy in general is just a douche and I have never liked him. He just has a creep-factor to him I could never put my finger on. He’s a toucher, when he drinks it gets worse. A lot worse. After everybody had drifted upstairs, he tried touching me. I told him no, I removed his hand and went to get up. At this point he decided it would be smart to grab me, and grope me. He is now sporting two black eyes and a broken nose. There may or may not be a bloodstain on my uncles carpet to mark this event, I’m not sure. I do not like to be touched. He fucking knows that now.
  • As I was in the ER talking to the respiratory doctor, the guy with the broken nose came into the back. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on the doctors face when he found out I was the one that did it.  Priceless.
  • Moving on to more pleasant and amusing topics, I was proposed to a while ago. Nope, really, proposed. PROPOSED. He thought about it… and still proceeded with it…. believe me, I asked. This guy was somebody I dated before I was even with B. It’s been a while.  I left because he did a lot of drugs and I couldn’t deal with it, wouldn’t deal with it.  So he came back saying that he’d be clean since I left and realized that he wanted to spend his life with me. I told him no. He asked about dating, again I told him no. He wanted reasons so I explained that I had moved on, that I was different and him and I wouldn’t work now. That I couldn’t trust him, or his judgement enough to let him lead and control me. He continued to push, so I finally give in and told him the rest of the reasoning. I told him that I wanted to try with somebody else, and that they came before him as far as I was concerned and that I would rather be with them even though it isn’t happening right now. It wouldn’t be fair to date him when he want me for good and I’d be gone the first opportunity the other person gave me. He got pissed off and I haven’t heard from him since.
  • I’m slowly getting my resolve back for exercise. Baby steps. I’m almost a week into a 3 week plan. Then after the three weeks I’ll add in more stuff and restrictions. Right now I’m working on stretching every night and only have two glasses of pop a week and taking my vitamins everyday. I normally don’t drink much of it to begin with but less is always good. When I finish this section I’ll be adding in weights, and possibly cutting out white flour. I’m not entirely certain yet.
  • I’ve had the writing urge fairly strong lately as well. I may try writing another story and see how it goes. My muse is a bit of a fickle bitch lately so I’m almost to the point of just writing and kicking her ass until she smartens the fuck up. I’m tired of being patient, I’ve been trying that for years. Not working.
  • I’m also trying to meditate more, stay more centered and calm. ( I can’t help it when people force me to hurt them though, otherwise it’s going well.) Perhaps find more little pieces of myself.
  • The last week I’ve been dealing with the period from hell. I have until monday left. So all together, two weeks. Two weeks! I’ve cramped to the point of needing a heat pack, which I have never ever done. I’ve always cramped but it’s just made me pause before, never actually do something about it. Considering I can take a fair amount of pain and actually don’t mind the cramping… that is really saying something. My nipples have also been sore as hell. I have never, ever had that happen before. It kinda pisses me off to be honest. Even laying in bed has been interesting because I normally lay on my side, things pinch. And I never noticed how often I randomly touch or pinch myself. I definitely notice now. It’s quite a lot.

>Sephi

>Yesterday, my Sephi friend left to go back home. So today I am posting a video in honor of our amusing time together and her safe landing. (Lots of emails lady!)

I thought it was really fitting, at least for us.

…Oh, stuff and fluff!

>Questions

>The other day I received an email from a guy named “Icarus” and we ended up talking about doing as your told, following information correctly and how we view people. And yes, I did giggle when we were having these conversations and he began signing the emails as “Icarus.” When we got to the last topic of conversation he asked if he could ask a few question. I said sure, at which point I was sent quite a few questions and was asked to answer them about 2 people of my choice, as long I would not be embarrassed to show them the answers to questions. Since I am stuck for blogging topics lately I thought I would answer them here instead of the email.

(To avoid confusion I’ll do this list of questions twice, one for each of them.)

State who you have chosen to answer the questions about – Sephani and Cael

Sephi first!

1. Who is this person to you(friend, lover, a mix, random)?Friend and other half of my personality.

2. How long have you known this person? Almost a year now I think.

3. How much do you trust this person? A fair amount,  I talk openly with her and that’s more than I can say for most people.

4. Have you ever fought with this person? I don’t think so, no. We tend to agree on most subjects.

5. Are you afraid of this person?Haha no. Well, maybe when we’re around each other and get on a kick as we tend to do… then I may be a little scared but not of her. More of where the hell we’re going to end up and how sore we’re going to be when we get there.

6. What emotions, feelings, or thoughts does this person invoke? Amusement, trust, insanity. Not always in that order.

7. Do you have future plans with this person, what are they?  I do, and they involve kilts and a lot of fun.

8. Do you think this person understands you? Very much so actually. We seem to be connected a bit, either she has gone through what I am or just gets where I’m coming from… whether it’s a place of insanity or not.

9. Do you understand this person? I think so yes, as much as I can anyways.  She may have a different view though

10. Does the mental state of this person worry you, or cause changes in how you view them? Haha not at all, but I tend to have the same mental state so I may be prejudice.

11. When this person sends you  a text out of nowhere, what is your first response? Oh! Who did what/what did she do?!

12. Do you have barriers with this person? Somewhat, yes. She’s kinda pressed right up against the bubble… halfway in… it’s really a wonder she didn’t suffocate.

13. Do you believe this person has a sexual nature? Very much so. Of course I have one as well so we seem to amplify each others when we get going.

14. What is this person fault or downfall? Helping. She wants to help everybody and that sometimes wears her out or annoys her. Brand new little subbies, or friends… she’ll help if you ask which isn’t bad but it gets carried away and she loses the little bit of down time she has sometimes I think.

15. Is this person intense(very serious)? She can be when it’s needed or when she’s concerned or irritated by something. (She’s like me, if she’s in the right mood I’m sure she could make a waiter scared just by asking for something they forgot. Just a suspicion I have of course :) )

16. Is there a force of will to this person? Is it new or has it been there a while? There is when she wants you to do something, it’s been there as long as I’ve known her.

17. If they have a force of will, how do you react to it? Depends on my mood. Sometimes I follow through and do what she wants, other times I laugh at her and stay stubborn.

18. Are you completely yourself with this person, no hidden comments,moments, thoughts, etc? For the most part, we bring out mutual insanity… it’s kind of hard to hide that from somebody that recognizes it.

19. If something is bothering you about this person do you go to them with it or keep it bottled up? I don’t think anything has bothered me about this person, but if it did yeah I’d go to her. Only makes sense.

20. Is this person somebody you want to keep a part of your life? It’ll pretty much be a friendship of emails soon, but yes.

21. Do you have a serious or joking relationship with this person? A mix of both really. Mostly joking though, we always revert to snark, wit and sarcasm. Shit’s addictive.

22. If this person is hurt or upset would you drop everything to help them or go to them? To talk and help her yes. To go to them will soon require a plane ride and while I love her to death… not even she could get me on a plane.

23. Do you believe this person is mature? Haha when she wants to be.

24. Is there something you’ve wanted to tell this person but were too scared to? Nope, I think it she hears it. Good system.

25. How do you react to this person sexually? I’m not entirely sure. I don’t think either of us has ever really put the other one in that box.

26. Why do you think you react to this person as you do? We have a lot in common. Insanity, OCD, sense of humor, similar beliefs, similar lifestyle.

Cael

1. Who is this person to you(friend, lover, a mix, random)? Friend, playmate, owner, dominant… there are probably several others I could use but we’ll go with these for now.

2. How long have you known this person? 2 or 3 years now? I don’t remember for sure.

3. How much do you trust this person? Entirely. I tell him things that there is no way in hell I’d tell somebody else.

4. Have you ever fought with this person? Hmm, not really no. We’ve snapped at each other or had little meltdowns but the other one hasn’t ever gotten mad back, it’s always been talked out and solved.

5. Are you afraid of this person? In general no. However, on some level I am. I know he has plans and fear should always be associated with somebody who plans to tie you up, beat and bruise you…even if it’s a false sense of fear with excitement mixed in.

6. What emotions, feelings, or thoughts does this person invoke? Trust, safety, calm, happiness, amusement, lust, and thoughts that follow the same list.

7. Do you have future plans with this person, what are they?  I do, and they are our own.

8. Do you think this person understands you? Yes. Sometimes more than I understand myself, he sees things I don’t always pick up on right away. …and then doesn’t tell me about them because he’s kind of a bastage sometimes :)

9. Do you understand this person? As much as I can without going through everything he has, though I do make an effort to understand more and take in what he tells me. It’s important to me to understand him. *shrug*

10. Does the mental state of this person worry you, or cause changes in how you view them? As far as worrying me, it depends on what he’s going through and how he’s reacting but sometimes yes. I think it’s more so wanting to make sure he’s okay and not being able to at times. His mental state doesn’t make me view him differently at all, but him and I have talked about it so that’s the only explanation I need there.

11. When this person sends you  a text out of nowhere, what is your first response? To smile and tease him about missing me. … or sometimes excitement about spiderman suits and wondering what’s next.

12. Do you have barriers with this person?  Not at fucking all. I’ve tried putting them up, it doesn’t work. Besides, he’s already inside them… it’s like putting fly strips outside when they’re all in the house. Useless.

13. Do you believe this person has a sexual nature? Yes, and he’s damn good at bringing mine out more than usual too.

14. What is this person fault or downfall? Most of what people would name for him I don’t see the same way, so maybe the way a lot of his friends go to him when they need help. Good to an extent but tiring and probably unwanted at times. That’s the only thing I can come up with, other than distance of course.

15. Is this person intense(very serious)? He can be but I don’t think it’s really his nature. Not with me anyways, so I haven’t seen large doses of it unless he’s upset in some way.

16. Is there a force of will to this person? Is it new or has it been there a while? Very much so. No it hasn’t always been there. When we first met I got away with a lot more than I do now, but he’s gotten much more dominant since then.

17. If they have a force of will, how do you react to it? Very well.

18. Are you completely yourself with this person, no hidden comments,moments, thoughts, etc? Yes. Every uncool, insane, ditzy, sexual thought, comment or reaction. It’s really amazing that he’s still around :)

19. If something is bothering you about this person do you go to them with it or keep it bottled up? I go to them. I may talk to Sephi about it first (sometimes things bug me because of my mood, not because they really bug me and she’s usually enough to make me see it) but I always go to him with it within about 24 hours.

20. Is this person somebody you want to keep a part of your life? Yes. We’ve determined that we’re stuck with each other.

21. Do you have a serious or joking relationship with this person? A mix of both, it depends on our moods.

22. If this person is hurt or upset would you drop everything to help them or go to them? Very much so, on more than one occasion all that has stopped me from going to him is lack of transportation.

23. Do you believe this person is mature? In general yes, though he has his moments.

24. Is there something you’ve wanted to tell this person but were too scared to? Nope, he gets all of it. The more afraid I am to say or bring something up the more I know I need to.

25. How do you react to this person sexually? Very well. All he has to do is say something even just over text and it’s like I’ve been electrocuted. My knees have buckled before, and another time I felt everything tighten hard enough I almost fell over.

26. Why do you think you react to this person as you do? Not entirely sure. There has always been a connection there that made me react to him like I do. I fought it for a while but at some point it got useless.

>Questions.

>I got an email a few days ago from a ready so had a list of questions for me. Their instructions were to  pick people (as many or as few as I want. 1 or 100) and answer these questions about them and then get them to answer the questions about me. Seeing as how I am bored, I thought I would do it today and see what happened.