>If You Could Only See The Beast You’ve Made Of Me

>I have to know..Can you howl?

 

 

I can. And believe me, you don’t want to see the looks I got trying.Also? By the end of it, I would want to be bound again :p

 

Today I went in and got groceries. I also intended to get medication refilled. Only guess what? I apparently have no refills left. I’m pretty sure I did, but whatever… thus doctors appointment tomorrow. Other than that? I really have nothing going on, and nothing to say.. yet again. Though I did take some more pictures to post here… but teasing with them is much more fun.

>Still

>I am still sick. I actually have nothing to say today. I’m just blank and content. Other than learning I have guidelines for panties and bras as far as colour and material goes… I have just had a day. Nothing interesting, nothing insane. Just sick.

>Take Two

>Alright, this is the second time I’ve attempted to write this post. If it doesn’t work… you all are just out of luck.

This will be a mish mash of a post.

First, I haven’t been avoiding emails that mention Cael as one email asked. I just either haven’t been able to answer the question due to outside circumstances and/or because I was waiting to do them all in one post because a lot of them are similar. However there was one email that really seemed to encompass them all so that’s the one I’ll use.

 

Serene,

I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and have actually enjoyed reading the comments you make towards Cael. But I was wondering what really was going on with him. You’ve never really said. I was also wanting to know how you got to be so comfortable talking about him like you do, how you feel about him. I’m not comfortable voicing those type of feelings alone with somebody, let alone to people all over the world and how you’ve built the connection that you’ve talked about. My SIR and I are having trouble getting there, we feel it some days and others we don’t. I read both blogs and have noticed that you mention him more than he mentions you (though he totally does, just wondering if you had some insight), is there a reason for that?

Colette :P

Whats going on with me and Cael? I assume you mean in the big picture as opposed to the daily snippets I’ve given. As I’ve stated before, he owns me. That hasn’t changed. Right now we are about 5 hours apart and plan on trying to be together and eventually moving me up to where he is with him when we’re ready. As for when we plan to start this? Not set entirely. We know that I have to be done my schooling so that I am able to move. We know until then that we’re both technically single so, whenever I’m finished school and we’re both single.. then we try.  It’s a matter of going slow and making sure we’re both ready for it, not wrecking the chance that we both want. For now though? He is my owner, no matter who I date or play with. He is in control of the sexual aspect… If I want something in that realm I have to ask him before hand. That’s the only rule we really have right now. Some may be added as we move forward but the majority will wait until we’re actually together. With that said, it’s not a rule that he gets final say on whether or not I’m with a guy… but he completely does. If he doesn’t like a guy I tell him about… chances of me seeing that guy are pretty damn slim. It’s part his influence, part submissive tendencies of my own, and part trust in his judgement. I’m pretty damn perceptive and accurate in my judgments of people others date, but sometimes the guys I date elude me. *shrug* There was a guy a while back, back when I was still ignoring things with Cael that wanted to be with me. I had hesitations with him for several reasons, I talked to Cael about him, he didn’t like him and wanted me to be really careful… I walked away. It’s just been recently that I realized why I did it. His ownership is pretty damn embedded, and I think that it’s because he has been around so long, it was slow, I trust him and it was in place before I even knew what was happening. But, I’ve gotten off track.. shocking isn’t it? :)

As far as being comfortable with how I talk about how I feel. That’s both true and not true. Over text, I can say whatever I want and not hesitate. Believe me it’s much more detailed over text. On the blog, it’s fairly anonymous. Only 3 people who read here actually know my name. And again, it’s text-based. In person, or even on the phone… I pause, I hesitate, I swallow my tongue and forget how to speak English. There may have even been a time or two I started clicking my tongue, snapping my fingers and making noises then tried to tell the person it was a long last language. It’s an internal battle… I want to say them.. but making them come out is another thing. It’s something I have to work on. Cael is always telling me that I say the obvious when it comes to him and what I’m feeling or thinking. And I completely do. The first guy I fell in love with… I wasn’t like that with. I assumed he knew, assumed it was understood. Part of why we broke up was because of that belief. Because I didn’t say the things he needed to hear and that’s not a mistake I want to make again so I’ve put effort into saying those things. Though in all fairness.. I could probably say them less.. Cael knows me very well, he knows things before I do sometimes… he’s probably the one person that I could do something for, or look at him, or touch him… and he’d get what was meant by it. So, I guess I really have no secret to tell you other than paying attention and getting to know each other and realizing that a caress or a look can mean the same as a spoken word. But, if you’re dead set on the spoken word.. then nothing to do but work at it. Start small, “Thank you” “I like being cuddled up with you”.. little steps. That’s my plan :)

Building the connection? I have no idea. I’m not sure it’s something that can be built intentionally. It’s a matter of talking, of sharing, feelings, thoughts and even something that’s just natural. There was always a small connection with Cael from the beginning and it grew as we went. So that one? I have absolutely no insight on. However, I do know that just because you don’t feel the connection everyday, all the time… it doesn’t mean it’s not there. I have other examples to give, but since you started asking about Cael and I… and you want the dominance and submission angle I’ll stick with us. There are days, or times where the connection isn’t felt. It’s still there… but nobody I know feels that connection 24/7. Peoples moods change, and that affects it. My submission and his dominance are always a connection… it’s a part of how we interact with each other… sometimes an order or act of submission (such as kneeling at his feet) is enough to get that mood. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it…and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t have one or that you need to worry about it.. it’ll be back. Relationship and their moods/stages are really quite liquid. Always moving, always changing. It’s the changes everyday that keep it from getting stagnant, even if that means you need to spend some time in separate rooms, doing separate things. It happens, and it’s okay.

I agree, I totally mention him more. I made a post a few days ago with a quote that read “You possess a large portion of my little world.” It’s a very true quote. In general with these types of relationships, the other person becomes more important than usual because of the dynamic. I found that it’s especially true for the submissive(though there are always exceptions). Even reading through blogs, if a submissive and a master both have a blog… the submissives writing tends(though not always) to center a bit more around their dominant, than the dominants around the submissive. I’m sure there are lots of theories on why, but I think it’s because dominants tend to become the center of our world, they’re what we revolve around, what we come back to.

I think that covered about every question anybody had sent me. If I’m wrong and missed your question in there, then shoot me another email and I’ll address it next post.

 

 

Now, for the regular blog update.

Today… I spent all day upgrading, downloading and changing shit on my computer. I’m happy with the outcome so far, but it’s a lot of work when you seem to have bad luck with these things. I also watched Sephi spend a large portion of the day trying to fix the main computer. It seems to be running better, but teh babeh is old. …. I know I said that this would be a mish mash post… but after answering those questions.. My mind is kind of empty or anything else I planned to say. So, considering I’m still sick, I bid you all goodnight :)

 

>Just A Dash

>A dash becuase this post will be a little bit of everything.

I’ve been hoarding email questions. Mostly because they are about Cael and for various reasons I wasn’t able to answer them when I received them. Plus… it’s just easier to do them all at once because quite a few of them were the same.

>Peaceful

>

She’d been sarcastic and moody all day. Every little thing set her off. She could see The Look he gave her every time she snarled, she knew she was pushing her luck. But today? Today she didn’t care. She kept pushing, kept pulling the loose strings of the last rapidly fraying thread of patience he had. When he ordered her to strip, something in her snapped causing her to stomp her feet, yell, and curse. She kicked off her pants, her anger soaring as she was faced yet again with the reality that he didn’t allow her to wear underwear, something so tiny yet in the moment so irritating. As her anger boiled up, her face turning red, she tore her shirt off, and turned to throw it at him. Just before she let go, her fingers lingering on the cloth, her face was slammed against the wall, his hand ever so conveniently guiding her there.

He growled into her ear every rule she had broken. Every time she’d pressed him today. As her chest heaved, fear sinking in, her skin grew cold and his teeth sank into the back of her neck. He bit until she was sure that his teeth met inside her flesh and she froze. Every ounce of anger, every sarcastic muscle in her body paused as her mind emptied, and her soul split open running in wet rivulets between her legs. Just as her knees started to buckle his hands wrapped around her wrists, pinning her to the wall, holding her up.

He knew her inside and out and he knew which buttons to push, which switch the throw to bring her to her knees and set her free. As his hands tightened on her arms, she knew she would be bruised and a smile silently curled her lips.

>Contemplation

>Today I’ve been thinking. Mostly about myself and what why I can’t seem to stick to a schedule anymore. For about the last month or so I’ve been trying to get myself into a routine. Waking up early, going to bed at a reasonable time, exercising, and filling my day with things that need to be done, should be done, things to better myself, etc. I can’t seem to do it. I just can’t.

I set my alarm… and every morning I sleep through it or wake up enough to shut it off and don’t remember doing it. … it goes downhill from there.

A long time ago I read a blog post by one of my favourite authors where she talked about having the same problem and that most of the writers she knows have the same issue. That it’s something with that mindset, or seems to be. I write, it’s not very good lately (getting back into it) but I still do it… and I’m starting to think that she’s right.

The only time I have ever been able to stick to a routine/schedule of any kind was when I was with B. He set it up, told me when to be up, what to do in my day… things I had to do. Once they were done, I had free time to do whatever I want. Turns out, I need that structure.

So what does that mean for a routine right now? It means that it’s not likely unless somebody takes control of it.

In other news? Still sick. Verrah sick. I pretty much have no voice. Which is really unfortunate because gods have I had some funny comments pass through my mind.

>*headdesk*

>I’m sick. I’m feeling like death warmed over with a little dash of delusional added in.

BUT! While I’m sick I managed to make soup. My favouritest cream of broccoli soup. Om nom nom! Plus while I was trying to keep my mind busy and not worrying about Cael.. I made a cake, some spinach dip and ground a bunch of my coffee up. So good.

As you can see I really have shit all to say. I’m not even funny, and quirky like usual. I’m just bleh.

I hope to be back to my usual insanity soon. I really, really do. If nothing else, I amuse myself in that state. In this one? I’m ready for the next crazy bus out of here… and usually I’m the one giving the tours in that town. Oh how the crazy have fallen!

>Relief

>Today I had a flash of relief so strong, I was actually dizzy. Cael was MIA for a while for reasons, and I was worried for several reasons. Seriously… like ready to pack my shit and go up there worried. When he text me and told me what happened, I literally got light-headed I was so relieved. Now I’m still ready to pack my bags and go up for other reasons… but I can’t. He’s told me he wants me to stay here and finish my schooling. Which in a way is a form of getting me up there since I wont go until my schooling is done, thus me staying and getting it done… means I’d get to go sooner. But, but I’m still worried. What’s happening is a pretty big deal and I want to be up there for him and for me. But he’s in charge. So I will stay here, I will do as I’m told. Though I will be making sure I get updates on what’s happening. I will not be in the dark. I spent two days there… and I must say, unpleasant.

Don’t you all love when I make no sense!? I promise I will soon :) Well, as much as I ever did.