>Under The Bus

>Today, I narrowly avoided throwing myself under the bus. I was so far under it I was enjoying the shade. That was until I logged on to my account and seen I had to do a post today. At which point I removed my ass rather hurriedly from under that bus… I’m sure there’s a Serene shaped puff of smoke I moved so fast. I was sure right down to my toes that I had to post tomorrow. So sure in fact that I was actually laying in bed thinking about what I would write.  Thank fuck I logged on and checked to make sure. It may be Caels birthday tomorrow but I would have been the one ending up with a birthday beating. *nods* He’s a mean old guy like that.

For the last little while I’ve been sick. As mentioned. Because of this Cael has let me off some of my rules. Mostly because with my asthma and a cold I can wind myself walking down stairs. Thus I haven’t been exercising, it would not turn out well. Which on his part makes me think he’s a sweetheart. And he is. But I’ve been sick for a little over a week now I think. I? am actually missing my exercise. No really. I absolutely hate doing it… but there are times where running on the treadmill or going for a walk sound sooo good. Right now I can’t do either. Hell, even if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t be going for the walk. There is still snow and ice on the ground and the wind is howling to the point some people have actually lost power once or twice in the last few days. Yeah, so no walk.

As far as diet I’ve been doing okay. I did make cookies and banana bread and muffins yesterday but I’ve only had 2 muffins, one yesterday and one today and I haven’t touched the cookies or bread. Will power. I am however getting bored with the same usual things for meals. I’ve had a hard time making up my grocery list the last couple weeks because there’s nothing I really want and anything I think of I’ve had so much lately that I’m tired of it. Even searching for new recipes has lost its appeal. Either it’s not healthy enough or it doesn’t sound appealing at all. It’s getting to be a problem.

On Wednesday I have a hair appointment. I’m not entirely certain what I’m going to do. A lot of this is probably because I have no rules for my hair. As far as Cael is concerned I can do what I want. I know. I asked quite a bit ago. But, I do know that he likes longer hair… and even before he told me that I was wanting to let my hair grow back out (B wanted it short so it got cut off) so I think that’s what I’m going to do. Or at least try. I don’t want to lose the curl, it’s pretty and requires no primping… I’m a fan of that. Right now I’m already starting to lose that curl, but I think it’s more because my hair is so thick. Maybe getting it thinned out and lots of layers added would help. *shrug* I’ve known my hairdresser over 10 years… pretty much just tell her the basics of what I’m wanting and let her do what she wants to at this point.

Cael and I have been having issues with our phones. Texts aren’t coming through, our phones seem to be holding them hostage. It’s kind of irritating. I miss my Cael time damn it! I love talking to him in very unnatural ways. The man can wake me up at 6 in the morning and I’ll smile. That right there? Is huge! I hate waking up. Mostly though? I just all around love talking to him. We can joke and tease, talk about random crap. Anything is just comfortable. I love that we can talk about anything..that I can tell him anything or vice versa and it wont really change much. He’s not going to think I’m weird, or decide he doesn’t want me. I may get myself in to trouble, but I’ve never said anything seriously when I tease him, or call him random things, or make comments. It’s important to me that we have that. That we can tease and say things and know it’s not serious. Or if it is serious be able to just accept it and not make a huge deal out of things. It’s a lot of freedom wrapped up in an ironic package of ownership.

So, to the one I look forward to talking to everyday. To the one I want to live with. To the one I want to belong to. To the one I listen to impulsively. To the one who can make me smile by just saying “Hi.” To the one who means the world to me. To the one that lives in my head and under my skin. To the one who loves me to pieces(:p). To the one who will always be older than me, Happy Birthday my ****(I’d write what I really call him but he’s just warming up to me saying it privately…I’m not sure my ass would survive if I said it in a public place:) ) I luff you.

>Insanity

>First! Look at this pretty new layout! Sephi was bored earlier and I wanted a new theme for the blog and well… this is the result. Isn’t it awesome?! I’m kinda in love with it… the deadlike tree/ballerina… the moon, the pretty pretty colours! *dances*

*Ahem*

I have absolutely nothing to say tonight. I have typed up and deleted several paragraphs so far.

Last night my mom and I did a puzzle and drank some wine. That right there? Sums up almost my entire day. I did however get some new pillows for my bed…they’re quilted! AND! I washed my sheets today… brand new fresh snuggly bed to cuddle into. That right there? Is win. That’s actually one of the reasons I can’t wait to move. Cael and I both love fresh cleans sheets so chances are they will get washed a lot. Not that they’ll stay clean long.

Speaking of Cael, he hasn’t had a very good day today. He’s burned his arm and had some other more personal problems. Kinda have a  wrap him up in a blanket and love on him until he feels better urge. And of course he’ll need his geekery options. Movies, games, comics, etc. He is very geeky. Kind of love it… because I am too… in my own special way :D

Now, I am off to love on Cael.. hopefully next time I actually have something to say.

>Community, I Have Found Thee!

>Over the years I’ve joined many online sites and communities. Over the years I have also deleted my account on those communities. This was done for several reasons. To many cliques that wouldn’t allow anybody else in, refusal to accept different beliefs, different lifestyles, even different personalities. I have found one site that doesn’t have any of these things. Anybody that has been reading here long knows that I am one of those different belief, different lifestyle, different personality people.

The last year or so I have been seeing reviews and different ads for Edenfantasys. I contemplated joining, and I have finally done that.  I actually took the time to sign up recently and for the short amount of time I’ve been on there I can say that I love it.  It isn’t just a forum, or sex toy site. It has them… but it has soo much more. Informative and funny articles…my favorite ones make me sit back and think “No. Really? That actually happened?”,  sex tips, rewards programs and several more things that I haven’t even dug into yet. That(including reviews) is what I plan to go over and share with all of you in the coming weeks and months as I find out more and more about this community.

>Headdeskery

>….yes, it is a word!

 

As the all powafuwl Cael has decreed… I am to post every three days or his head will explode and cover the land from here to the horny seas with goop. Except not really that last part but it was an amusing image no? I personally see a lot of head squishing (where you squint and pretend to squish a person’s head between your fingers) going on when I’m around him. He seems to think he’s the boss. Don’t know where the hell he gets that.

 

I am sick. Again. I? am slightly pissy about this. I  JUST got over my last cold that managed to hang on for 3 months. I’m over being sick. This lovely little bug I think I caught from my brother. I am hoping that it doesn’t hang on long.

 

Yesterday I was talking with a submissive friend of mine and she asked me what kind of relationship Cael and I had. Whether it was service based, or control based. Seeing as how I am not up there with him yet, this made me pause and think. (I do that sometimes you see.) I’ve known Cael quite a while. He is pretty damn independent. He loves to cook and wants to cook for me so much so that I may have to fight to be allowed to cook, he cleans (though the man does need help on some things. I swear the picture he sent me that had his clutter covered table in it haunts my dreams. One of the first things I’m doing when I move is getting rid of that so I can sleep soundly. If I don’t I fear I’ll be like Sheldon…unable to sleep because of the clutter and break into the place to clean… but I will already be there. Makes it a lot easier.) he does his own laundry, etc. While I’m sure he’d welcome help, or taking turns or dividing things up when I’m there or however we work it out, when it comes right down to it he can do it and he has never once complained about it to me. So, I think the relationship at its base is control oriented.  He absolutely has control over what I do or don’t do right now and when I move that will intensify and he will have control over even more things. Since he wants to do most of the cooking… he will essentially be controlling what I eat for the most part, when we look for a house up there… he will be in control of that…I have certain things I’d like but I don’t know the area so it makes more sense for him to have most of the control on that, I don’t drive… so unless I’m willing to walk (I fucking hate buses) he will be controlling where I go…or even more so whether I go somewhere. If he doesn’t want to go, then chances are unless it’s really important… I probably wont go. Which lets face it… I totally hermit, I am absolutely okay with him controlling that. I am very, very, unlikely to randomly go and buy things for the house without his consent… and even at times unless it’s something I need chances are I’ll talk to him about it before I just get it. ….I function like that normally, so between the way I do things and the dominance he has and the way he functions… it’s definitely control based. That may change and shift a bit as we go but right now that’s what it is I believe.

 

Speaking of his control…we had another serious talk. I’m over those btw. We discussed him coming down on the long weekend(this weekend) and as we got further and further into the conversation we may have cleared away some of my issues a bit. We both have them… I’m contemplating building a tree-house in the backyard for them to play together in when I move. *nods*  He mentioned that I should send him a full body picture. Which to an extent I have… he has seen my entire body… I’ve just always had wiggle room to hide parts I don’t like. He took away my wiggle room. I can no longer wiggle. He said he wasn’t going to push the issue, that if I didn’t want to send the pictures I didn’t have to. However, part of why we aren’t spending time together right now is the weight, I’m scared how he will view me and whether or not he’d still want me once he’s seen everything.

If you’ve been reading here a while, you will have read or concluded that I am a rip the band-aid off kind of girl. If I am scared of something, even an answer… I can only let myself avoid it so long before I have to confront the issue head on. There are times where I’ve been so scared of an answer I may get to a question that I teared up or trembled as I asked… but I still asked. This was no different. He mentioned it… I knew I had to do it… had to know. So I asked a few questions, made us both entirely uncomfortable both with answers and questions and finally sent the pictures. He’s still here. I got a “See that’s not bad babe” back. And you know what? When I took the pictures, before I sent them… I sat and looked. I see me as being much bigger, worse off, even gross… the pictures..they definitely aren’t of a tiny girl… but they aren’t how I see me. If I hadn’t taken them, I’m not sure I would have believed they were me. From where I am… I don’t have the most flattering view. Both literally…you look down at yourself or in the mirror, you’re going to fixate on the bad. And emotionally/mentally. I’ve struggled with this for a while, so I’m frustrated and hate it. I am actually happy and thankful that he had me take those pictures. They make me feel a little better. An actual view, not the one in my head. While I maintain that the angle of the pictures help… but right now, that’s okay.

This week I have also managed to maintain my weight loss. I didn’t go down… but I didn’t end the week higher than I began and that? I am counting as a victory.

 

In new news.. I am going to be trying a new thing here on the blog. I am now in the ambassador program at Edenfantasys and as such will be posting things about the site/products periodically. In the next day or so I will be doing my first post on them and we’ll see how that goes. And since I can almost hear Cael in my head… no, those posts will not count in my rule. I will still make my regular posts every three days.

>Breathe In, Breathe Out

>As per my new rules I have to do a post today. The issue with this is I am in a rather crappy mood.

The other night I got in trouble because I slept through my alarm clock AND Cael texting to get me up. So, I spent half the night on my own without Cael talking to me as a punishment. … and because it was a punishment he didn’t tell me it was happening. If he had told me I wouldn’t have worried about it. By about 5:30 – 6:00 that night and he still hadn’t talked to me… I had pretty much figured out what was going on. Of course…instead of helping it just made me pouty and sorry and wanting it to be over. Not a fan of punishments… odd isn’t it.

Yesterday was okay… boring, but okay. Cael wasn’t in the best mood last night but it happens. … I refer you to the second sentence of this post for proof. When he told me I backed off a bit, I don’t like bugging him to begin with but when I know he’s not in a good mood to begin with I definitely don’t want to make it worse. Before he told me about his mood we were talking about random things and he told that he hasn’t really been touched a lot, not in a non-sexual manner anyways. And that? Bugs me. When I like somebody I want to touch them, random little touches, rubs, etc… whatever can be done at the time. It bugs me that the girls he’s been with haven’t done that with him, I don’t understand that way of thinking at all. It’s a sign of affection, caring… I don’t like that he’s been denied that. I plan to fix that *nods*

As for why I’m in a bad mood today? For the first time since Sunday I stepped on the scale and I’m up 2-3 pounds. Bit of a blow that.

And now? I don’t think I have much left to say. If anything good happens I’ll make an extra post to make up for the suckyness that seems to be this one.

>A Warm Fuzzy( And he’s mine damn it!*bounces innocently*)

>Today is Valentines Day. No really. It is. Today my mom told me a story about how my dad would send her flowers once a week when they first started dating. I told her the story about how Cael sent me a vibrator and that I felt I came out ahead. At which point we laughed. We have an odd relationship. Yesterday my mom got flowers for Valentines Day. Wanna know what I got!? Do ya?! Do ya?! I? I got an orgasm rule and a blog rule. Score one for my mother.   My blog rule is I am to post every three days. …. conveniently it has been three days since I posted. What a coincidence that was *glares pointedly at Cael* My orgasm rule? I am to have five a day. Now, before you go thinking that I’m lucky ask me why he’s doing it. *waits patiently* Why thank you for asking! He’s doing it so when I misbehave and he puts an orgasm denial in place it affects me more. Asshat. I luff him.

As for what brought on these rules? I’m not entirely sure. I think it was something that was coming for a while and I just gave him an excuse to do it. I may or may not have told him that he made a good bitch when he told me he spent time sweeping today. And it may or may not have been worth it :D

Diet update…I lost 5 pounds last week. I’m hoping to lose a new 5 this week instead of the same ones like I have been. But, considering I’m doing the exercise now I think I’ll be okay. I’m still hating getting up. A lot. And honestly… it’s a damn good thing Cael wakes me up and pushes me out of bed or I probably wouldn’t be getting up. At least on Mondays. Tuesday I need to be up early anyhow, and Wednesday and Thursday my mother is actually home in the morning so I have somebody to talk to when I get up…. by Friday I’m in a groove and figure I only have one more early morning so I may as well do it. Weekends I’m allowed to sleep in. Its Mondays that kill me… and I of course have days where I just don’t want to but in general Monday is worse. I’m having to force myself to slow down on the treadmill though. I had a slight twinge in my back yesterday so I made sure I didn’t do as much time on it and slow down. I used to run a lot… being on the treadmill makes me want to run and be able to do it again/more. Which right now? Wouldn’t be good. It’s like a constant battle. I actually found myself wanting to do the treadmill the other day… a good but sad sign. I’m forcing myself to go slow, to gradually build everything up so I don’t hurt myself and end up having to stop.

 

This weekend was a more serious one. Cael and I had a few serious conversations. Which of course are needed and so on but I much prefer my happy Cael to the serious, sometimes sad one that I get during/after the conversations. Sometimes it happens, and you can’t help it but gods I like when he smiles much more. We talked about several things this weekend that we hadn’t before… and I feel better about it, learned more things about him than I knew before. It was a good thing it happened… but in the end I just wanted my normal Cael back. The one that laughs when I say something completely out there, and understands my levels of insanity because they rival his. I also learned that he hasn’t told his family about me. Most of my family know about him… they don’t know much really, just that he exists and I’m moving up there. He says his family isn’t accepting of relationships that start on the internet. Neither is my family… they basically got told too fucking bad, they can live with it or they can have nothing to do with us. End of story. Of course I know that relationship with my family is very different from most people’s, so whatever he tells his family…they are HIS family. I just forget how much of a bitch I am some days :D

 

And speaking of, I got an email asking me how Cael and I work out dating other people and still being with each other. Simply put… we aren’t dating others. We are both free to have sex with whoever, but dating isn’t happening. Why sex and no dating? Those of you who read Caels blog probably know that he’s a nymphomaniac. Those that didn’t know and haven’t read it… it is still up there in my blog roll, all the posts are there he’s just not adding more. So, essentially that is why sex is allowed but dating isn’t. I’ve seen what he’s like without the sex and I don’t want to do that to him. I care entirely too much about him to put him through something that he doesn’t need to go through. I’m okay with the sex. As far as me having sex with anybody? First… I’d need permission from Cael… and honestly..I’m not sure he’d give it at this point. Plus… I am very picky. Anybody that may have had a chance eventually sabotage their chances before I even give in. It’s a damn tidy system. And ya know, there’s that whole they aren’t Cael thing.

I’ve also had a friend of mine in blogland ask why I don’t call Cael Sir or Master. Mostly? Because has never asked it of me and when we started it would have been awkward considering one of us has pretty much always been attached. And in this time I have noticed something…. a title means fuck all. He has the same power, same control, same standing with me when I call him by his name or the silly pet names  that he would if I called him Sir or Master. From time to time when he’s flexing a dominant muscle I’ll call him “Domly one” or “Master man”…whatever comes to me really. In general though…he has power and standing no matter what I call him. If he wants the title eventually then I’ll use it, but at this point it’s been so long that anything I call him has become close enough to the same meaning, or even the same thing that it’s not a needed title I don’t think.

 

As an added note? I suggest “Om nom nom”ing at their crotch. Its amusing on both sides. Trust me.

 

And now? because Cael doesn’t know what it is, and I’m a little ashamed for him I present to you….Twitterpated!

 

 

…..You can call me flower if you want to.

 

>No.

>No is a lovely word. No is a cute, short, little word. No is a word I don’t have the right to.  Wait, that’s not fair. I have the right to use the word “No” … I just do not have the ability most of the time.  This should become apparent as I ramble on through this post. Cael wanted a blog entry… so guess what I’m doing! Yeah. Sucky part is I may complain or tease about the control he has but I love it. When he tells me to do an entry I smile and skip off to do it, and believe me with as sore as my thighs are right now skipping was not fucking easy!

 

First a diet update. Ready for it? READY?!                *Headdesk*                That sums it up. You see, I thought I would be so smart. I didn’t want to go all the way to the basement to use the machines the other day. So, I did my cardio in my room. Bits and pieces from a dvd and random adaptations I did on my own. I? am fucking effective. My thighs hurt so badly I almost cried on the treadmill today. And getting up and down is a wonderful experience. As far as weight… I seem to keep losing and gaining the same few pounds. Its frustrating but since this is the first week with exercise and I have my period which means I gain a bit of (water)weight anyways so it’s hard to judge. It’s just a piss off. Seriously. So, refining my diet  a bit more.  My mom seems pretty damn happy about it…I make oatmeal in the morning and do enough for her… I’ve just been putting nuts and berries in it, no sugar. Soo good.

 

I spent a while cleaning out the jetted tub today. Its fairly big and the cat seems to think its a special made for her playground so it gets full of hair and needs to be cleaned out. I want to start taking a bath every night or every other night. With the bath salts and oils and bubbles it’s so relaxing and I get soo warm(I love hot, hot, baths.) then by the time I cool down a bit I’m ready for bed, no matter what time it is. Plus… it has jets! *wiggles* which are so good. And I’m really hoping they help this sore thigh thing a bit. And I may be a little excited that I get to go through all my bath stuff. I have quite a bit, but I don’t think I have any bubbles. However since I want the jets I can’t use bubbles anyway. I do however want to use this. It smells amazing and makes me sooo soft. But! I have been out of it for a while and it’s almost impossible to find. Yet I found it online…where I can’t get it. Irony. I love the big can of it… it lasts a really long time. Sigh. I’ve been lusting at this a few days since I found it. One day I will find it!

 

Right now I’m curled up in my chair, waiting for 9 to roll around so I can start filling the tub. (It takes about an hour, but it’s so worth it). Until then I will be talking to Cael. Which really, at this point should not be a surprise. By the time its 4 and he’s home (though lately its been more like 5) I’ve been watching the clock wait until I can text him. It’s a little sad. I really miss talking to him during the day. He is such a big part of my day, when he isn’t there I miss him. Which really became clear when he had a photo shoot the other night. It was a time when we would have normally talked. And I sat there and looked at my mother and she laughed because I had no idea what to do with myself. I function without him… I’m fine without him, I just like it better when he’s around. I’m used to doing whatever it is I’m doing AND talking to him. When I can’t do that it’s like somethings missing. I’d like to say this is the time that I end up talking to my pets, or randomly to myself but I do that anyways. Really. I amuse the hell out of my mother when she’s laying in bed and she can hear me talking to myself out in the living room. Especially when I make myself laugh. And that? I think is all I have.

>"Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Uni unicorns, I could pet one if they were really real. And they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me, now I love it. La lala la la… "

>From the title of this post alone you have probably concluded I got nuffin’. You would be right. But, the ever powerful Cael *hears minion laughter in background* told me last night that I was making a post today. He decides that now you see. Except not really, but I do see having a blog writing rule instituted in the near future. I’m not quite sure why he likes my posts so much… and he wont tell me but lets face it… I wear the fucking shiny thing… or will when I’m allowed to have one.  So, chances are very good that this post will be a bunch of random things.

 

First, my diet. *hangs head* Today is my second day of exercise… I got up and weighed myself this morning and was down 2 pounds from the day before. So now, I can’t even balk him on the exercise. Bittersweet victory that one. However…considering this is my week off my birth control pills I know I will put a bit back on but it should come right off if I keep exercising. And judging by the emphasis Cael put on his “Up now!” this morning… I will keep exercising. I hate getting up. Hate it. If I got to get up and spend actual time with him before he went to work I think I’d be more enthusiastic about it, even now I like just being able to talk to him. Sadly… it kinda sets my day up a bit. I’ve been in better moods the last couple days. The actual exercise… I did 30 minutes of cardio yesterday. I have to do at least 20… but I did 20 on the stationary bike and then tempted the treadmill…walking… I refuse to start running again (I used to love it) until I lose more weight. Today I did 10 on the bike and 10 on the treadmill and that was it because Tuesday is grocery day and I generally spend 45 minutes to an hour…sometimes more walking around the store. I’m stretching again… Happeh! I love it. The first day I did it, it sounded like somebody was stepping on a bag of rice crispies. It didn’t hurt, just didn’t sound nice. Speaking of hurt… I did my usual grace filled day today. How you ask? Tripped up the stairs I answer! The only things that hurt were two fingers and a toe… the landing must have been fucking spectacular.Other than that it’s just my thighs that hurt. Like hell. Not entirely sure how I’m going to get my cardio in tomorrow if I’m not doing the machines and I’m not sure I will.

 

In other news… my sociology is sucking the life out of me. I’ve had it over a month and haven’t even finished one book, but I’ve written over 60 pages. It sucks  a lot. My motivation has gone right out the window.

 

In other, other news (I sense a pattern coming on) I luff Cael. Seriously. I have a real happy going on with him lately. I have no real way to explain what I mean other than that. Every other guy I’ve been with, was lacking something, the relationship was lacking even though it wasn’t noticed at the time. I’m not even up there, there is no physical right now… and its soo much better. It’s just comfortable and right. I’ve also never really had a guy protect or defend me… I’ve always pretty much been on my own. Cael is protective in general, and the closer you are to him the more protective he is. I live in his pocket. One of his friends made an indirect comment about me, without explaining everything we’ll just say that it didn’t end well. I love that about him, I love that I am safe in pretty much every way possible with him. It’s the little things that really add up and mean the most to me. When he texts me first out of nowhere I actually wiggle, or purr and generally smile like an idiot. The same thing happens when I get called a pet name, and since I would consider bitch a pet name it could induce odd reactions of others. When he gets excited about seeing me I get slightly giddy. I get fluttery when he talks about the future… I have never had that where it was sincere, or not centered solely around what the guy wants and I’m just an add in. I’m not an add in with him at all. We’ve talked about moving in, marriage, having kids, and how often I’m going to fight him to be allowed to cook. Being apart of each others lives is so much better than the artificial shit that I’ve had before… I love that, good or bad… even if he does give me heart failure on occasion.

 

Tomorrow I have some cooking to do. Quite a bit actually. Its my brother’s birthday on the 10th, but since my mom works that night he’s getting his birthday supper tomorrow. He wants a snacky type supper. Mostly though? He just wants me to make him hot wings and spinach and artichoke dip…the kid can eat the entire thing to himself. He also informed me that he wants a banana cream pie too. The kid is kinda spoiled sometimes. (I was just thinking today that  in my family we laugh because every single one of our birthdays is over and done with in a matter of three months. Caels birthday is the end of February… He definitely fits in.)

And because this is all I can think of to write about… that’s it for today.

>Cracked….OR The Slowest Way To Tear A Bandaid Off

>I’m having a struggle. An internal one and an external one. You see I am far too complex to have just one struggle at a time. *quirks eyebrow*

My external struggle? My diet is kicking my ass. I lost 10, gained back 4, lost 3 and again gained back 4. I am irritated. I just typed and erased “I am stuck and a little lost” … I erased it because it’s not entirely true. I know my diet isn’t as good as it could be. I am working towards fixing that. I am finding things I cannot have, things that don’t work for me anymore and things that do. I’ve found that if I don’t eat my three meals a day… I snack more… and then I gain some weight back. So I’m fixing that…I’m either not buying any snacks or buying ones I don’t like for the other people in the house. The same thing happens if I don’t eat healthy meals… if it’s a healthy meal it’s more filling and I don’t snack. I’ve also learned that when I don’t eat healthy… I am tired all the time. When I do eat healthy I don’t nap, I don’t drag my feet. For weeks before the diet and even on days where I’ve had trouble sticking to it it’s happened. I eat crap.. I get tired, lethargic even. I am almost willing to bet money that Sephi could pin point the days  I had trouble with my diet, or even when I started it or have my free day because I always end up going for a nap. There are some days where I’ll nap just because I’m exhausted and it doesn’t have anything to do with  my diet but there are a lot of days it does. The week before Cael put me on the diet was one… and there was a week not too long ago where it was bad. I didn’t do horrible diet wise… but it definitely wasn’t healthy like I normally would eat on the diet.  This is where I get confused because I’m not eating junk, or if I do its on my free day and if it’s not on my free day its such a tiny amount.. I don’t know if this is a break that would get me punished and I need to tell Cael or if it was just a slip up in my day but I didn’t do that badly so its okay. I know it’ll improve come monday because the exercise is starting then. And for the first time I am actually looking forward to it. I want to be done with this so badly.

My internal struggle is very different from the external. Part of me wants to lose the weight and be comfortable and okay with myself and be able to do what I want, wear what I want, be with Cael the way I want to be. That is pretty much the largest part of my focus right now. The other part is something I just recently noticed. Its fear. I have had this weight for a long time. I have struggled with it for years. And part of me is scared of what will happen when I lose it. I think in a way the weight has become a crutch. Something to hide behind. Something that in a way has dominated me pretty completely. For years I did my best to be invisible… and I succeeded pretty damn well. The people I went to school with… some don’t remember me because I was so quiet… the others would say I was quiet and kept to myself, my little group. I’m not that way anymore because I finally over powered that fear of being noticed and made fun of for the weight. Because that is why I was so quiet, so reserved… not because that’s the way I am but because it was fear. I have grown and changed and there is very little of that girl left…. but that fear is still there sometimes. It’s why I’m not comfortable in groups I don’t know. Even in groups I do know I stick close to where I’m comfortable. The weight has been there and dominated the way I act for so long… that I’m not sure how to feel without it there. I’m not even sure it’ll matter. I may be fine and not give it a second thought. People keep asking why Cael is so important to me.. he’s important because he is the only person in the world that I didn’t initially hide from, he’s the only one that got the real me without the fear and reservations. And even now I pull back on seeing each other right now because I’m scared he’ll see me and change his mind. Decide I weigh too much and not want me anymore. I’ve been told by the few people I told about the fear that it was stupid or that he cared about me… but I hesitate. It’s happened before, and that? that is crippling. I know Cael is nothing like the  guy that did it but it’s still scary.

There are parts of me that are ashamed of the way I look… there are parts that are okay with it some days. Those parts war on each other some days. I hate mirrors. I’ve noticed a bit of a change since I started the diet but not a big one. Not one enough to make me comfortable. I mentioned a post or so ago that I’m more comfortable with lying around naked… and that’s true. I am. But it’s not a complete thing. I couldn’t stand it last night. I ended up getting dressed so I could sleep. I am getting better, everything in general is getting better. It’s just a long damn fight.

Like with everything there are good days and there are bad days, today is one of those bad days where your mind turns inward in search of all those dark corners, and drawers that have been hidden away and covered with dust and cobwebs. Today is one of those days where you wait for your happy place to find you because you feel like you’re drowning. I can rage and scream and cry until I’m hoarse, and I know it’ll be okay because I know he understands it. Because I know he can cry and rage and scream with me or on his own. Because I know we each have our own issues, our own battle. Because I know he’s never going to tell me I’m weird, or damaged. Because he is that safe place.