>Itty Bitty

>Update! And yes I realize I still owe a post. It’ll get made up…somwhere sometime.

Today several things happened and I’m not feeling too great so you get another list.

  1. I went furniture shopping. Did. Not. See. One. Oversized. Chair. Anywhere. Yet all of them list them on their websites. Well wonderful… but when you’re trying to compare them it’s not helpful at all!
  2. Found out we’re waiting to get furniture so that some of us can get glasses. Myself included. My chair is totally falling apart, brackets broken..I have to constantly balance but I am constantly feeling like hell because I need glasses.. so glasses it is.
  3. My grandparents anniversary party is on Saturday. Lots of people. Lots of people I don’t like. I’m attempting to figure a way out of it. Desperately.
  4. Sephi, Cael and I talked today. It was fun… until they ganged up on me. Bastages.
  5. During the previously mentioned conversation I became bothered. I couldn’t figure out why, that was until I talked to Cael after. I’ve known him almost 4 years. For the most part we’ve talked and played and liked each other and been fairly close but over the last year or so we’ve gotten closer in a way that’s really not explainable. We let each other in further than most people get. In doing so we inevitably talk to each other and interact differently than we do with other people.  It was so gradual and normal for us that I totally forgot what he was like before that happened. Seeing that side of him come back out with Sephi caught me off guard. I remember it’s there now and will be expecting it next time, but it was a bit of a jolt.
  6. I’ve come to learn that I value the side of him that I get. I value it a lot. I love that I’m one of very few people that he’s let in that far. Let see that side/much of him. We’ve merged our bubbles. Red and blue make purple sort of thing.

>Summary

>My internet has been fuckered, thus I have missed posts. Not only my posts but others as well.  Over the next bit I’ll write make up posts but for now, a small summary of a few things.

  • I am now defining Cael and I as C/s ….Cael/serene. M/s O/p D/s … none of it fits. And TTWD (This Thing We Do) irritates me so we are C/s. *nods* He is in control, I wear the shiny thing…I don’t have enough energy to delve in and explain every detail of what we are.
  • I missed posts on a few beloved blogs. Some of those blogs are now locked. Some of them deleted. Some of them state either on their blog or elsewhere that their relationship with their dominant has come to an end. We as readers definitely get invested in those writing blogs. We all hurt for them. And while I do.. I also get concerned. Some of these blogs that have disappeared were long-term relationships. I don’t mean 5 years. I mean 10, 15, 20 plus years together. Living together, married or not is hard enough. This lifestyle can add extra strain, extra attention and care to it. When I see people I’ve talked to, who I’ve heard gush about their partners 15 years in suddenly disappear and split… it’s a scary thing. It reinforces how much time and commitment is needed to the lifestyle and more importantly to each other.With every blip, or fall out I see… I curl that much tighter around Cael. I value him and the way we interact THAT much more. Both of us seemed to think along the same lines as far as relationships. You don’t give up. You don’t walk away. You work on it and try to fix what’s wrong. There’s very little that can’t be overcome if you work at it hard enough. I’m not saying that these people didn’t do that. For all we know they may have been trying for months or years. I’m just glad we both think that way. So far we’ve had a couple little blips, both from him and from myself. Hell, we’ve watched the other date, submit, master and play with other people for almost 4 years. Yet we still came back to each other. Every. Time.Seeing people throwing out the lifestyle, or their marriage/relationship seems to push me closer to him. Not because I’m scared that we’ll fail too, but because I love knowing that if we do…we try again. We try a different route. Seeing things fall apart in person or on the web is like a mini eye opener to remember what I have and how long/hard I fought to get it. I luff that man to absolute fucking pieces and I don’t think there’s anything short of death that would get me to walk the other way.
  • On a happier note… Cael is getting a fantasy realized at some point. He brought up playing with subs…as a couple. Female subs of course. He wants to watch me play with other girls, and he was oh so smooth bringing it up too ( -.^ ). But I am open to the idea…provided I like the girl and am comfortable with everything to do with it.
  • Cael and I have been talking about furniture lately. We both want huge oversized chairs. At this rate we may both end up with one. They go in the man cave… along with the foam throwing bricks and pool noodles for beating each other with. …Seriously can’t wait to have Sephi over :D

Now, I am exhausted. I am going to bed.

>Sneaky Buggers

>These posts keep sneaking up on me. I do one and then before I know it I have another one due and it’s like I JUST wrote one. It’s a good thing I checked or I wouldn’t have posted tonight. Then I’d be in trouble… which again I’m sure I just did :D

Since I didn’t expect to do a post tonight, I really don’t have much to say.  I have however been working on one for a while so, tonight’s the night it seems.

I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I’m not.

We’re never supposed to disagree. We do.

He’s supposed to be omnipotent. He’s not.

I’m supposed to be horny all the time. I’m so totally not.

He doesn’t always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

We’re not independently wealthy, the kid didn’t get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I’m not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

I’m on medicine that gives me headaches and fucks with my sexual function. He’s getting arthritis in his knees and shoulder.

I seem to think I can quit “this” when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

And that’s just the short list. ;-)

Kaya wrote this on a fetlife thread about reality. If you’ve been reading here lately you know I’ve had my own dose of reality lately and am in for another one when I move up with Cael. Reading this comment gave me a moment of “Yeah! Why can’t more people get that?!”

I’ve been talking to a few new subs that came into this having watched a movie or read a book and expected this life of slavery/property to be sensuous, loving, sexy and one long constant “scene.” I’ve even read a post or two in various places from subs about expecting things to be perfect within two weeks of moving in with their owner (and this is assuming there weren’t any huge life changes involved such as divorce, moving across the country, giving up jobs,family and friends, etc.) and are pissed and disillusioned when it’s not what they expect. Two. Fucking. Weeks. I even read one the other day where a sub was having a hissy fit because her Dom dared to punish her. Really? How rude!  I try to be nice. I really truly do. But I think we all know how that ends. Which, is part of why I don’t comment on fetlife, or other BDSM thread like discussions… people have got their heads so far up their asses they have created a permanent rectal cranial inversion *nods*.

I am by no means perfect. I fuck up. Want proof? Scroll down a post or two. But some of it is truly amazing. Now, to address Kaya’s comment I am going to take it a piece at a time. I’ve been procrastinating on writing this because there is soo much I want to say and I just keep thinking of more. So to avoid a nonsensical ramble this is how it will work. Don’t worry, you’ll get the ramble at the end. I seen the worry.

I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I’m not.

We’re never supposed to disagree. We do.

He’s supposed to be omnipotent. He’s not.

First..if you’ve read Kaya’s blog you know damn well that she’s pretty damn amazing. BUT.. that statement is soo true for everybody. We’re all supposed to be these invincible perfect robot people. Slaves are to never ever disobey or disagree and dominants must at all times be dominant and in control. Lies. Pretty, would be wonderful lies. But lies. Cael and I disagree. We haven’t had a straight out fight yet and we’ve known each other about 4 years. One of us always ends up feeling bad and apologizing before it ever gets that far or we’ve managed to keep it civil and talking not yelling and getting really angry. I have no doubt in my mind it’ll happen. Especially for the first while after I move when we’re adjusting, but we do disagree. One tick against me for slub of the year.

I’m also not good at this some times. I can stand proudly and slightly under the bus with Kaya on this one. In fact, sometimes I down right fucking suck at this. Sometimes I want to give the orders and decide what he is going to do or what we are going to do. Sometimes he pisses me off and I stomp my foot at him. Sometimes him having final say on everything, and me just being along for the ride is scary. I’m moving to a huge city… I currently live in a small town hours away. I’m leaving everything I now for him, I will be entirely dependent on him.. I don’t drive, I wont know anybody. It’s scary and some days I want to dig my heels in and say fuck this I want something fair! But those moments pass. Sometimes they last a week sometimes they last a minute.

For the most part Cael is in control. He’s so deep in my head I do things and don’t know why I’ve done them until I talk to him later. I am incapable of lieing to him. I am incapable of leaving. I don’t even have the slightest desire to do it, even with the fear that creeps in sometimes. While all of that is true… I’ve still misbehaved. I know my rules, and some days I just don’t follow them. I totally rat myself out but it still happens. Because. Kaya is right. They are not omnipotent. No matter how deep they are in our heads, no matter how enslaved we are there are times were we stray from their path. It’s never long before we’re back on it but it happens. And when it does… it’s eye opening in that. I mean.. they rule all right? I’m sure that’s what I was told at initiation.

I’m leaving the horny comment alone because I’m easily seduced and overpowered.

He doesn’t always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

I am absolutely guilty of looking up to Cael for answers. They aren’t always right… and indeed there are times where he doesn’t have one. But for me, not asking when I’m unsure seems wrong. Hell, even when I’m sure what I want to do I still ask him. If he gives an answer different from mine then I let him know what I was thinking. Sometimes he agrees with, sometimes I get told I’m doing it his way. If it’s the wrong answer then it’s wrong and we fix it. At the end of the day he is still human…domly type or not. I’ve never had him on the Massteh Pedestal that some subs put their dominants on. I’ve known him too long and know him too well. Neither one of us is perfect…making mistakes in general and with each other is going to happen. It’s not a reason to back out of everything to me. I’ve seen subs leave their dominant because he got a cold. That’s a damn high pedestal.

As far as me saying the wrong thing and thinking I’m right… fairly constantly. I mean really.. Have you read here?!

We’re not independently wealthy, the kid didn’t get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I’m not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

Everyday life reality. It’s a special kind of bitch isn’t it? I am over weight. I’m hiding from Cael until I can lose some of that weight. I’m asthmatic, and it constantly fucks with me. I’m struggling with motivation to finish my courses. I am unhappy living where I am without Cael. See point 2. I can’t move up with Cael because there is no space where he currently is. Caels spent many many MANY days in the hospital for everything from a broken arm to bleeding in his brain.  And you know what? I’m sure if I looked hard enough in the basement I’d find cat puke too! Joys of an unfinished mess of a basement that one.

I seem to think I can quit “this” when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

This. THIS. I’ve told Cael I could do vanilla. He laughs at me and calls BS. He’s right… but if he ever did just let me quit.. I’d be fucking lost. At the base of our relationship is the M/s dynamic… taking that out… I wouldn’t know how to respond to him. At all. I naturally ask permission for things. And don’t even get me started on vanilla sex. -.-

I’ve done the vanilla thing. It is WAY too much work for me. The end.

So really, Cael and I are fairly reality based with all of this. And I think that is why it gets so intense or scary when you realize you’re going down this path and you aren’t in charge. You aren’t driving. The passenger seat can be a scary place even when you know it’s what you want, and where you belong. I honestly couldn’t imagine going down this no real limits path that I’m on without having a grasp on reality. Yes it sucks but without it we’d all be walking around with our heads up our asses and lets face it… it can’t be easy to walk like that.

 

EDIT:  Comment From Cael :   “I read it. It’s funny that you only said 1 point against slub of the year :)

Such a sweet guy.

>Fill Me Up

>Right now I’m giving you a filler post of questions I’ve been asked. I know I promised  a post the other day but I’m having trouble getting it out, too many ideas coming at me at once, I don’t know where to start or how to organize them yet. So while I work on it, questions!

 

You’ve mentioned Cael taking pictures, or wanting to take pictures of you and you said you were uncomfortable. Are you still that way?

Absolutely. But, at the same time I’ve found myself wanting him to take pictures of me when I lose weight. I want those photos whether they’re just regular everyday ones or mid play ones. So while I don’t want them right now I have warmed up to idea later on.

 

My Sire looks through my phone and computer. Insists on it but I’m not even allowed to touch his phone or laptop. Does Cael do this to you? Are you allowed to touch or go through his stuff?

Cael is at least 5 hours away from me, so it’s not really an issue right now. However, to answer your question.. he has said he would leave my computer alone. I told him it didn’t matter. I don’t do anything on my laptop that he either doesn’t know about, doesn’t approve of or I wouldn’t want him to know. If he were to look over my shoulder at my screen at any given point it wouldn’t bother me, so him looking through it or using it after isn’t a big deal to me. As far as my phone the same applies. It’s mostly him I talk to anyways. Once Sephi moves back then there will be those texts he can read but I tend to just tell him what we’re talking about anyways.

As far as his computer and phone… I don’t know. He’s fairly stressed right now so I’m not going to ask him, if he wants to comment he can later. For now, I’ll guess.  His phone… 1. I don’t really know how to work it and I really see no point in flitting through it. He hasn’t lied to me so if I want to know something I just ask and I don’t think he has anything to hide so I don’t THINK it would be a big deal but I don’t know for sure.  2. If it rings I’d bring it to him but not answer it… but I don’t answer mine either.  As far as his computer… I know he has some photography stuff on there he doesn’t want people in… other than that I don’t know. I don’t think he’d hide what he was doing on it from me, and as long as I have mine I see no reason to use his unless he’s playing on my laptop and refusing to share. As far as just touching or looking through either one… I don’t think he’d care or hide what he’s doing on them from me or ban me from them so I don’t really feel the need to play with them. Besides, when we live together having individual little things that are just your own is good sometimes.

Where do you keep your toys?

Right now I have a little see through tote that they’re in. Each of them in a little draw string bag. Until I get enough to warrant getting something bigger or better that’s what I plan to use.

I just noticed the link up in the corner …. is that new or have I just not seen it?

Haha, you’re quick. It’s only been there maybe two days. It links to the EdenFantasys website. Speaking of, if anybody wants a discount code for there feel free to send me an email and I’ll send you a code.

I’ve been reading blogs for years and a lot of them are anonymous but eventually some names come out. So I was wondering if anybody on the blogs actually has your real name?

My blog is set up to by anonymous but, yes some do have my actual name. Cael of course does. Sephi does. Nilla and I email on my vanilla account so she has my name but she never uses it. Kaya is on my Vanilla facebook, and I believe that’s everybody. And yes, that does me that I have a facebook profile for this blog… It’s under serenesub however I never use it.

What’s your favorite lube?

Honestly, I hate lube. Unless there is anal play involved I do not use it. Refuse to. I stay wetter without the lube, it seems to dry me out a bit and that is just irritating.

You mention wanting to be up with Cael all the time, if you were there what would you be doing?

Right now? Cael is very busy and fairly stressed so I’d avoid trying to bug him. Probably sit quietly with him as he worked on his school stuff. Give the odd back-rub./scratch or play time when he wanted it. Other than that? I’d cook for him. He’s too busy to lately and since I’d eventually have to come back I’d make meals and freeze them for him. I don’t particularly like that he’s forced into eating noodle bowls because he doesn’t have the time to cook. So I’d make easy freeze meals like lasagna and put them into individual tins that can be thrown into the oven and so he doesn’t have to do anything other than turn the stove on and remember to take it out when it’s done.

>Irony

>Things I hate.

Admitting defeat.

Admitting you failed.

Asking for help.

Disappointing Cael.

Things I’ve done today.

Admitted defeat.

Admitted I’m failing.

Asked for help.

Disappointed Cael.

 

Needless to say today hasn’t been the greatest. More importantly irony has taken over. What kind of irony? The kind where I am asking for more force, for Cael to be mean. Yet while he’s off thinking about it I hate it because I can’t tease and play and touch like I normally do and I want to. Badly. Yet I’m asking for more. Because that? Makes perfect sense.

>One Foot In The Hole

>So it’s time once again for a random mishmash of thoughts.  This blog writes itself better when I’m upset, or angry or any emotion really. Lately other than wanting to be around Cael I’m just content and happy. Happy tends to result in me teasing and playing with Cael more than normal but rarely gives posts.

So what’s on my mind tonight? How far down this hole I am with Cael. Not the submission, owned, possessed hole either. The I luff him to absolute fucking pieces hole. It’s a deeper hole believe me.

Cael is very dominant, very much in control. He has a punishment list for me that I’ve managed to rack-up over the last year or so. He plans have me like his own personal sex toy(I did a “fuck yes!” wiggle when I found out. It was impressive). He makes his own ouchie toys. He’s drawn blood while playing. He can be intimidating, he really can be. Yet, I’m not intimidated. I may get nervous for some of the playing, but at the same time I do want it. He has a hard, dominant, rough side.I realize that I’m going to completely ruin his domly image here but,  he has a softer side too. No really. It’s not a side everybody sees, I didn’t until he decided I was who he wanted to be with. I seen bits and pieces of it slip through but never all of it. I seen the protective part of him that took care of his friends, I seen the part of him that will generally put his family first unless there’s a damn good reason not to, I seen the part of him that wanted a girl of his own and his own version of happy ever after but it was always vague, always covered up by harder things.

Now? I don’t worry about him being too tough for me, too hard, too strict. It flutters back on occasion but it’s squashed almost instantly. I wrote about stalling on my exercise and feeling bad about it all. I told him and he told me not worry about it and is helping me fix it. He’s still protective, I’ve just seen another side of it. I know he would protect me, defend me…and he has. He’ll make time for me even when he’s tired and busy, even if it’s just a few texts here and there. And to be honest, if you haven’t been ignored and felt totally insignificant to other guys you’ve been with there really is no explaining how much that attention means. He now has a girl of his own that he’s shared some of the happy ever after things he wants. While I’m unsure of what I want on a part or two of it…it makes me smile that he’s thought that far ahead not only about what he wants but about us too. I love middle of the night mostly asleep texts I get from him about spider-man suites, or random quotes from TV shows we both like. I like that he’ll take his younger cousin out to the movies just because. I love that I can cuddle and kiss and touch and he lets me and even likes it. I love that I can send him a cuddly text and wont get brushed off I get a sweet remark. I love that he can call me “bitch” or “babe” and I still get the same smile on my face. Today he told me that he doesn’t take my attention for granted and that he’s lucky to have me. And again I fell a little deeper down that hole. It’s a deep bitch *nods*.

Now, onto a question I received in a desperate attempt to cut down on the sap in this post.

What TV shows do you watch that Cael doesn’t like so much?

….Thank you Cael*glares*.  I like older shows for the most part. There are very few new shows that I like. Cael doesn’t like Roseanne…which I do. He doesn’t like her voice. I watched it when I was younger and it makes me smile. I enjoy the comments.  He also doesn’t like I Love Lucy. No idea why. I love this show, undertones of D/s and random spanking….there! I think that may be all that we’ve found so far. Possibly. Either way I’m not letting him be the one that moves my DVD collection when I move. Safety precaution.

>Friday Morning Delight

>Yesterday I woke up in my usual fashion, sprawled across my bed. Having showered, lotioned, brushed my teeth and done all the usual morning activities I walked out in the living room. I was through the hallway and almost to the kitchen before it dawned on me. There was something outside my front door, I could see a little brown box through the window. Upon checking the box, I realized it was from EdenFantasys. I promptly did a happy wiggle and took my package inside and straight to my room.

The box was a little worse for ware, the sides dented in and the corners inverted. I was slightly concerned. There was a glass toy inside. Rough treatment wouldn’t be good. However, everything inside was in one piece. It was packed with enough paper to protect even glass from breaking which is a huge point for anybody that’s had things arrive in shards.

From beginning to end the order process was one of the easiest I have ever seen or used. I think it was a matter of maybe three clicks and I was finished and my toys were ordered. When I had an issue with the address (for some reason it switched on me) I was helped within a matter of hours of submitting the issue. I was also sent a confirmation email letting me know that my package was sent, and a link to track it. The deeper into it I go, the more I find that I like about this site.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

>Brief Bloops. AKA Because I Need To Get It Out

>

  • Seph is giving me a sad. I don’t like that she’s so upset. I don’t like that we’re both in moods to the point we’ve gotten snippy with each other. That? Has never happened.
  • While I am sad for my Sephi friend, reading her post was kind of a blow too. Because I so get it. She’s irritated with getting teary and upset at random silly things. I do that.  She does it because she so desperately doesn’t want to leave her master. I do it because I so desperately want to be with mine.
  • My motivation has gone right out the fucking window. School, exercise, everything just kind of fizzled out with my cold and I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get back to where I was and it is so incredibly frustrating. I don’t want Cael to see me at this weight.. so we aren’t. And Now? Now I’m stuck and am having trouble seeing a way to get to him.
  • I am sick of being stuck here without him. Some days are easier than others. This is not an easy one.
  • Part of me is scared to move and be with Cael. Scared that I wont live up to what he wants me to be. Scared that I wont be able to handle how strict and rough he plans to be when he’s been nothing but sweet for so long. Part of me doesn’t worry about it at all. Part of me is excited that I’ll get that control and force that I need. The third part of me though? Just wants to curl up and live in his pocket.
  • I want him to be a part of my life. That’s the saying right? It’s not true. My little world completely revolves around him. Not having him near and being apart of each others worlds in that way sucks. A lot.

 

Now, I’m going to go play with my dog and find something to do so I can try to shake this mood. Unpleasant bitch that it is.