>Addiction

>Over the last few months I’ve become more and more involved with the Edenfantasys site. I’ve found more things to read, discussions to be apart of(mainly the kink ones), toys I want(I have this coming to me). Most importantly though, I have found new fuel for my addictions.

I have a thing for candles. I really do. There are currently 14 of them in my bedroom. I also have a thing for lotions and oils, ….I’m not going to count those though last time I did I had over 20 lotions. The oils have all but died out, they aren’t always the easiest thing to find. But EF has them. Right now I have a bottle of oil on its way to me, and I’m lusting at the candles that turn into massage oil as they burn.

I’m not going to lie, part of the appeal of those candles is getting to pour warmed/hot oil over Cael. It’s just not something a sub generally gets to do, normally the dominant is the one with heated things, or evil paddles. And I totally realize that the oil wont get that hot, it’s meant for this but damn it, I’m going to hold on to it anyways.

The longer I poke around this site, the more things I find that I want. It’s a wonderful circle.

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>Peace

>Since Cael and I talked about what’s been happening things have changed a bit. Definitely for the better as far as I’m concerned.

I now have to send him a report each night detailing my exercise and diet. What I’ve eaten and done essentially. I write down each meal, record each bit of exercise and send it all to him. As such I’ve actually been doing exercises like I should have been the whole time. Turns out I really did need to lose more control there in order for it to work. He has me doing about an hour a day right now. Though today’s hour was mostly cleaning thanks to allergies.

On the plus side though everything is clean, an my knees aren’t killing me. I did some yoga yesterday along with a few other things so I’m a little sore. But not nearly as sore as I used to get so I am improving.

I’ve decided to only weigh myself once a week, seeing my weight go up even when I’m exercising is just depressing on an every day basis. I know it’s going to take a bit to get the effects of the exercise but it’s discouraging to say the least.

In the last few days I went in shopping and came home with some new make up and brushes. I love them. I also acquired a couple new shirts, one of which has a black and white pattern on it… most of my clothing is just solid colors so it’s a change. Trying to get comfortable without hiding behind things.

I’ve been a lot happier the last couple days. Caels around again, my rules are being enforced, I can curl up around him again, and he’s coming down soon. It’s a happy, scary, excited, worried, mix of things.

I’m just calm.

And since I am calm I’m going to try to nap. I haven’t really slept that much since Cael left, I never do. I’m so owned.

>Ask…

>And ye shall receive.

Cael read my post.

He’s coming down in two weeks.

I got so scared I spelled “It’ll” as “Ittle” ….Seriously.

This scares me, but I’m trying very hard to see the positive.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my ass has suction cupped to my chair.

>Swimming Lessons

>Because today I feel like I’m drowning.

I really don’t even know what this post is about. For the last while I’ve been talking about how busy Cael is and how stressed he was. I talked about trying to behave and be understanding.

Which is all well and good, but in the end…  you can only do that so long before there’s a break in the dam. Before you drop a ball or two and wonder why you’re left holding nothing. I dropped the exercise. Which I have talked about several times, but today was the first day I actually took time out and thought about things. Cael said I had the week to think about it all and I thought I had solved it and found my explanation that night.

Now, today…I don’t think I did.

I think I spent so much time making sure that I wasn’t bothering him that I forgot about me. I forgot that I need him and I’ve been spinning in circles for quite a while now. Sephi and I talked about some stuff the other day, and I realized that I seem to be on pause when he’s not around. I do day to day things, but in general my whole person pauses and waits for him to return. Which isn’t really a bad thing, but the last couple weeks he’s been busy, this week he’s visiting family, next week he has friends coming to stay with him.

It wasn’t until he told me that he had friends coming out that I realized some of my issue was being on pause and thinking I was SO close to getting him back and getting my rules and everything enforced again. I need him in general but I really need that side of him I think. It wasn’t until then that I realized I am a little mixed up. That I really do NEED the punishments to set me back on track, because somewhere along the way I fell off of it. I don’t begrudge him having friends out, or going to visit family, or even the plans he has with other girls. I really don’t. What bugs me is that I want a part of him too, and that parts been missing lately.

I’ve felt insecure all day, I thought at first it was because he told me about some plans he had that in the abstract I’m okay with, but full out knowing I’m not. Which is true, but that’s not really why I’m insecure. I think it’s because whoever this person is is getting more of him than I do lately, and it worries me…scares me.

I don’t individually any of these are big deals, at all, but when you add them all up with my general missing of him it’s a bit to swallow.

I’ve even considered not sending my report tonight. Not for attention, but to see if he’d really punish me. Could it be that I don’t want to send it because of my mood and today being a spectacular fail on all accounts? Could it be that I need to know that he will punish me because I’ve never had anybody follow through? Or, could it be I want to be shown that he means what he says, and using this to prove to myself that he really is sticking around? I don’t know. I really don’t. It could be none of them, I could just be a bitch today.

My head is scrambled. I think maybe part of the reasoning is I have spent all day thinking and I’ve just gotten myself so twisty turny that I don’t know which way is up in my own mind anymore.

The last little while has been rough, on me and him. Maybe I didn’t realize how much until now because most of it’s over and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (I swear to gods if it’s another fucking bus!!) We may see each other in a couple of weeks, it could be longer. We don’t know. It’s a scary thought but at the same time, it’s needed. On both ends I think.

If (boy am I going to get my ass kicked for that “if”)it goes like he says it will then it’ll clear out a lot of my issues. It’ll clear my head a bit, I am pretty damn sure a lot of my problems in this post are because I miss him. Or even because I need the dominance and control for a bit. I need put back in my place and told where that place is. I know where that place is. I am his, I will always be his. He owns me, and he’s keeping me. My place is at his side listening to him, the end. I think I need to be told that, need it shown to me.

A lot of subs get this head space from time to time, need to be drawn back in. I’ve never had it happen before, I’ve just listened and been content with it. I haven’t really struggled with shit before (aside from the mess B put me through but it’s not the same) as far as submission goes. Once I Accepted it, it was just fluid and right. I’ve never head my head twist like this, whether I need to be tied and spanked versus cuddled and reassured I’m not sure. Maybe a combination, cuddles with a hand at my throat.

So, as to what my real issue is… I don’t know. I’m not even sure there is a real issue.

I KNOW I am his.

I KNOW that won’t change.

I KNOW he won’t leave me.

I KNOW I won’t leave him.

I KNOW he owns me.

I KNOW I have nothing to worry about.

I KNOW my head is just screw today.

Did I mention I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night? Sleep is a reluctant bitch without Cael around… I think the brain worm throws a party and keeps me awake.

>Irony

>Irony is waiting weeks to be able to talk to somebody like normal again and the first conversation you have ends with you in tears, and in trouble.

That’s how the conversation with Cael is going.

He’s been very busy lately with school. School is done. He’s not busy anymore. He now has time to notice all the little things he didn’t before.

He noticed the exercise, and that I didn’t tell him until it was too late. He seen the hole I’ve been slipping into for weeks for now.

I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to make things harder for him. He was already stressed. So, I just kept it to myself. And now I’m in trouble. I broke my exercise rule and I kept things from him. I wrote on here about it all a bit, hoping he would see it and I would get in trouble and be pushed again and he was too busy to see what was happening. When that happens I’m supposed to tell him and I didn’t.

I now have to report to him every night about my diet and exercise. Part of me is happy about it. The other part is hoping it doesn’t stop. I don’t blame him for being busy or missing things at all, I do it too when I get busy. It just sucks sometimes.

He told me that he thinks I’m scared to lose the weight incase I’m still not happy, or things don’t turn out like I think they will so its easier to stay the way I am. And I think he’s partly right. But I know the other part of it is I need the drive, that push, I need to know that if I fuck up he’s going to punish me or it just doesn’t happen.

His rule is if I don’t do my exercises, and do them properly I can’t orgasm or play with my toys. Aside from one night when him and I played I have not touched my toys in over a month. I still followed every other rule I have, but not the exercise rule. And why? I don’t know. Other than the previous things mentioned I cannot find a reason why its this rule that continues to fuck me up.

Cael mentioned that I need to start doing my exercise or he’ll drive down here to punish me if that’s what’s needed. Part of me happy that he’d do it. The other part doesn’t believe he would. Maybe part of me issue is that I’ve never meant that much to anybody before, I’ve never been a high enough priority to take time out of their lives to set me straight. Maybe that’s part of why I keep fucking this up too, I never expect him to see it, or have it matter.

I don’t think I’ve completely wrapped my head around the fact that I am that important to him, that he would take time to help and punish me if that’s what is needed  … even typing that I was unsure if I should say it in-case it wasn’t true. I just don’t have that view-point yet.

So, today I have spent a few hours teary-eyed, explaining myself and apologizing.

Because the truth is I DO want to mean that much to him. I do want to lose the weight. I am sorry that I didn’t tell him what was happening right away. And, yet again I spent today learning to be better, which all in all isn’t a bad thing. It’s just an unpleasant process.

>The Chicken Drives To 711 At Midnight

>Cael has been gone a few hours. Just a couple hours, not days, not even 6 hours. Nope.

And yet?

Sephi has gotten me trying to lick my elbow.

I have tried to lick my nose.

Sephi and I have discussed three handed masturbation… we really should be born with a third arm.

I’ve lusted at make up.

I’ve browsed lingerie.

I’ve written another post for Eden Cafe. (both links will be posted when they go up)

I’ve had a talk with my dog about barking at stray cats and how she shouldn’t do it because they’re homeless. And she listened.

I’ve skipped around the kitchen.

I’ve chased my cat.

I’ve watched reruns of Roseanne.

This week? Should be a hoot.

I? Am off to phone Lady Di.

>Because I’m On Top Of Shit…

>…I’m getting my post done early today. Or ya know, it could have something to do with probably getting in trouble for something I’m going to write and not wanting to spend all night procrastinating so Cael doesn’t kick my ass. This way? He gets it sooner, my ass get kicked sooner and we all move on merrily :)

First though, mundane not gonna get myself in trouble stuff.

I’ve activated google calendar and have set it up so Cael has access to it. Right now I’m tracking when posts are due(I write a lot of stuff in a month btw), when I’m getting groceries, everyday type stuff. I’ve set it up so once Cael has spare time he can add things, or even just track my days better. Hell, there’s even day or agenda settings so he can schedule my days hour by hour if he wanted. I may be begging for control. Perhaps.

I ended up going in a day early for groceries this week. My mom has her holiday stat Monday-Thursday and it made more sense to go into to town early and be able to say home for the rest of the week. I also plan on doing a turkey on Wednesday, since it is technically her days off for Easter. It’s currently sitting in the sink, my bread crumbs are drying out…and I am turning into June Cleaver. Seriously. Wtf me?

Carrying on that statement, I got my herb seeds yesterday. I spent a few minutes planting them in one of those little plastic “faux” greenhouses. It’s sitting in the window waiting to sprout. I got Basil and Parsley… I use quite a bit of both. I also got a couple of packets of flowers. I’ve had a thing for them lately and if I can get them growing in little pots in the house I should be able to keep them. Ones a wildflower mixed packet, the other is a “zebrina malva” flower that I quite like.  As far as veggies…last years huge fail has put me off it a bit. Maybe if I can eventually put them in the ground instead of doing pots they’d do better. But, in the pots they don’t tend to end up with weeds. I hate picking weeds, thus… they are probably not being planted.

Cael and I talked the other day about moving and bills and the house. I got informed he’s paying for the house.  I don’t think it’s fair, it’s not an equal thing that way. He informed me that it is equal because he’ll be making more money. Which, is true… and in all honesty, will probably always be true. It still bugs me that he wants to do it all himself, but that’s not really my choice. If he decides that’s what he wants to do when it comes time to do it then I’ll accept it. Considering it’s taken me over a day to accept the thought now. We’re splitting the bills though, and that isn’t changing!

Cael has decided that I’m sending him pictures of myself at least twice a week.  We’re going on the thought that if I get used to him seeing me I wont be as freaked about it. So far, it’s working. The first time I did it I toke about 30 pictures. The second time I took 3. I talked to Sephi about it and she thinks it’s a matter of acceptance. I’m not happy with how I look, but instead of taking picture after picture and obsessing over what I don’t like, I just accepted it and sent it. Which makes sense. Though I have found angles that I look better in and I use them. Religiously. There is only so far I can go though. I can get used to it, but there will still be a thread of fear there. It will be there until he’s here and I know for sure that’s he’s okay with it, with me and still wants me. I can make progress, but I need the last step to really be in that space.

Since I’m getting more comfortable Cael and I are thinking that maybe we’ll start going back and forth visiting this summer. Still a scary thing but damn it, I want my bear!

I took a break from writing this post, and took my second picture to send to him for this week. I ended up sending him two pictures out of the mere 5 I took. Which in itself is great. But when you factor in I took them in my bra, not in clothing I can hide in it’s better. AND THEN!! You add in the fact that out of the 5 pictures I took, 3 of them I hid or tried to hide my arms (I hate my arms, seriously.) and those ones? I didn’t send. I didn’t like them as much as the ones where all of me was visible. I sent the two where he could see everything. I’m hiding less and less. I’m a little proud of me.

Now, onto the part of the post that will get me in trouble. My exercise. I got sick, it went down, we worked on it and I was just starting to get it going again and I was taken out by another cold. I’m now on immunity boosting pills. I’m done being sick. But, my exercise has yet again taken a shit kicking. Between being sick, having a pout, needing to be pushed until I get that groove back…. none of it’s flowing right now. And it sucks.

But! I have made progress with the pictures and being comfortable so I’m holding on to that one as a victory.

>Behaving Is… / Being His Is…

>…apologizing when you realize you’ve been a pain in the ass.

…listening even when you don’t want to.

…sucking it up for him even when you don’t want to.

…choosing to push forward when you want to fall apart.

…accepting that he’s busy and TRYING not to pester him.

…trusting.

…swallowing my pride and letting him pay for a house for us.

…learning his standards and expectations.

…telling him the truth no matter what.

…longing for him and not letting it drag me down.

…needing a spanking/flogging/to be bruised and having to wait, and not letting it drag me down.

…lusting after the ring of steel collars and looking forward to the day he puts one on my neck.

…wanting and at times begging to be marked as his, whether it’s a bruise or a collar.

…exercising my limited amount of patience on numerous things.

…waiting to move to be with him, and doing it gracefully, not pouting about it.

… being strong enough to keep moving forward when he’s not leading me at the time.

…learning to accept small absences without getting sad.

…realizing that sometimes bawling is better than holding the hurt and miss in, and letting it seep into my days.

…hard. But worth it. 100 times over even.

I? Am definitely a work in progress. But, then who isn’t?

>Feeling Off

>I don’t really have much, if anything to say. Cael and I had an issue yesterday, there was a mistake made, and we worked it out. We’re okay. It’s just something I haven’t completely shaken yet, though I will.

I luff him to pieces, and I’m not going anywhere, I want to be with him…but because this was so recent I’m still in the feeling off stage of it. Though I have made progress in sending him pictures and becoming more secure and comfortable that way.

I want to be told I’m luffed and being kept.

I want a hand at my neck, showing me my place.

I need curled close to and shown I’m cared for.

I? Have an insecure.

>Safety First!

>I’ve been poking around EdenFantasys for a while now, and by far one of my favorite features is the safety information for each toy. I myself am a bit of a clean freak, and have leanings towards germaphobe. So this feature? Huge to me.

Silicone and Glass toys are well-known for being share – safe. This is because they can be boiled and sanitized. Most product pages (such as this one, scroll down close to the bottom)tell you how to clean it, where it falls on the safety scale (glass and pure silicone are 10′s btw), whether or not it can be sanitized/boiled, and even what lubes are compatible with the toy so you don’t end up wrecking it. Now, the lube thing is good info, but the safety… that’s huge.

A lot of people in this lifestyle go to play parties or have other people they play with. It’s always good to know you can share your toys and be able to disinfect them so you stay safe.

Cael and I have been talking about this a lot lately, and have decided we’d eventually like to play with other girls. And when we do? I’ll be going shopping on EF again, because I KNOW I can trust their ratings and safety guidelines. Keeping me and those I choose to play with safe is always a priority.

(P.s.  Not all toys are able to be boiled!! Toys that have batteries, or anything but pure silicone, glass, metal, etc. Should not be boiled unless otherwise stated. Materials can and do melt and you’ll be left with dildo soup.  Maybe next post I’ll tell you about fire and your toys :D )

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