>The Sky Is Falling

>1. Everything in the last two posts still applies and is quite stingy

2. Week three of punishment. My pussy is getting tender. Kinda hurts to sit.

3. My phone fell in the dogs water dish. It’s more than likely fucked.

4. My internet is cutting in and out.

5. The massage oils I got a couple of weeks ago give me a headache. Most people I know are getting a bottle so I can get rid of it.

6.  I miss master. Fucking phones, internet, and serene.

7. My dad is unbelievably bitchy today. I’m waiting for his period to start any time now.

8. I should start supper.

9. I’ve passed crazy cat lady, I no longer even qualify for cats I’m so nuts.

10. Back to climbing walls, waiting to be allowed back in masters pocket.

>An Experience Like No Other

>(4:51:40 PM) Sephi: yeah its never easy getting back into good graces
(4:53:50 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Its going to take his trust time to recover, its going to take me time to recover to. I haven’t called him anything but master in days pretty much. I have never called him that before… and Im scared to call him anything else. I’m not touching like I used because I’m scared to… I run everything through my head 35 times before I say it to make sure I don’t dig the hole deeper. I’m not teasing or playing. … maybe by the time I have his trust again I might be okay too.
(4:54:03 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: I refuse to do this again, ever.
(4:54:44 PM) Sephi: welcome to the world of punishment
(4:55:00 PM) Sephi: and I do mean, true punishment not the type that’s over quickly
(4:56:03 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Yeah. Any other sub I talk to mentions spankings or other things… after this THAT is not punishment to me. I’d pay to have that over this. Make it so I can’t walk for a week…fine.
(4:56:18 PM) Sephi: exactly my point
(4:56:22 PM) Sephi: nothing is as bad as this
(4:57:26 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Bruises will fade, bodies heal and you forget… you think “It wasn’t that bad so if I just do ____” This? I won’t forget. Ever.
(4:57:48 PM) Sephi: yup. it can’t be explained, it has to be experienced
(4:57:57 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Pretty much.
(4:58:11 PM) The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: I tried explaining in my post the other day and gave up… there is no way.
(4:58:58 PM) Sephi: there really isn’t and all I can say is just pray you never have to experience it more than once

>Red Light

>I’m not sure what to say today. I’ve been like that for the last couple days actually. I fucked up. “I made a mistake” or “I’m in trouble” do not even begin to cover this one. I fucked up.

I don’t have an excuse for what I did. Not one that matters or makes a difference anyways. Because in the end? It still happened. I still made the choice intentionally or not to not share with him when I should have .

He’s not mad. Or Angry. He’s full-out pissed.

To the point I was about one comment away from being released and told not to speak to him again.

To say I was a mess is the biggest understatement of the year. I was standing when everything came to a head. It hit me so hard my legs buckled and I ended up in a bawling heap on the floor trying to explain. Which I’ve learned doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter why I did what I did. It doesn’t matter that I forgot or didn’t connect the dots in time. It doesn’t matter. What matters is it happened. I should have shut my mouth and listened. I should have gone to bed the first time he told me to. I should have stopped poking. Why didn’t I? Fear makes you do stupid shit. It really does.

I knew as soon as he got mad just how bad this was. I knew it fell into the category of lieing to him. Intentional or not, that’s where it sits. I know how much he abhors lies no matter the reasoning or how you got there. It doesn’t matter. I KNOW that. Honestly, I’m the same way and yet.. it caught me completely off guard.

I’ve never had that side of him directed at me before. I knew it could be but not to that extent. I know now. And there is nothing in the world that could make me go back there. Ever.

I know how unbelievably lucky I am that I am still owned right now. That I’m still part of his life. I’ve seen him cut people out of his life for less. I’ve cut people out for less. I have a long damn road ahead me to get this back where it should be. I’ve damaged that trust, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it but listen, and be an open book. I thought I was before but last night I realized I wasn’t. I was still hiding things I was ashamed of, and I have no reason to.

Right now we’re speaking… but not like we used to. I know it’ll take time to get back to that. In the meantime though? It hurts. I’m not on the inside anymore. I’m back to the place where everybody else is and I have to work my way back in. Maybe I’m not fully out… I don’t know. Regardless I have a lot of work to do to get that trust back. I’m on pause, stalled until then.

I seen how close I came to losing him. He pulled my whole world down around me and now I have to build it back up, one board, brick and nail at a time. Knowing that he was ready to walk… that I almost lost everything that means anything to me.. it’s terrifying. It’s shown me that no matter what it is I’m not wanting to tell him, the reasoning I don’t want to say it will ALWAYS be outweighed by the consequences. It’s not worth it. Ever.

I know that trust is damaged and there is nothing in the world I can say to fix it. I have to keep sending my reports, doing my exercises. I need to prove to him that I mean everything I’m saying. No amount of tears will prove that though I’ve shed more than a few. I don’t think my eyes have been dry for more than half an hour since Thursday night. I’ve cried so much that I have a permanent headache.

He is what I want. He’s where I Want to be. He is the center of my shattered world. He says we’ll work past it, it’ll just take time. I’m thankful for that. so thankful, but until we do…or until we get back to some semblance of normal for us..it just.. I have no words for it. I really don’t. Unless you’ve been in a relationship like this, unless you’ve come this close to losing the person that means more to you that anybody, that you value above yourself, that you luff more than anybody or anything in the world… it’s not explainable.

I’m sorry Master. For everything, more than I’ll ever be able to tell you.

>"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothingwould be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. Andcontrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, itwould. You see? — The Mad Hatter"

>No, this isn’t a post on Alice in Wonderland. Though that does seem like a fun post.

This? Is a post on Edenfantasys.

Why the whimsy quote?

Have you looked through their glass toy selection?

This right here? It’s on my wish list.  How cool is that thing!

Another bonus right now is they are having a sale on glass toys.

The thing about glass is that you can boil it so it can be completely sanitized. Cael for the most part prefers glass toys. So you can all bet that’s what the majority of my collection is.

If you’re like me right now and can’t afford to buy anything while it’s on sale. … or perhaps you got yourself in trouble and aren’t allowed to buy or use toys (It happens) then shoot me off an email and I’ll send you my partner code that will give you a discount whenever you want it.  Or? Wait a week. Seriously. EF has sales on a weekly basis it seems. You wont have to wait long to be able to get the toy you want.

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>Hiatus Rescinded Part II

>After I wrote my post last night I had a few emails flow in. By “Flow” I mean they were in my inbox about 5 minutes after I hit “post.” I’m so well liked :D

So thanks for that.

Several of them were supportive, glad you’re back emails. Some of them were emails with questions. (And as always, as you’ve asked I do delete them right after I read them if I’m asked and won’t respond via email if specified. I suspect it’s just in-case I keel over right after reading an email nobody will know the lovely pervy people I have sending me stuff :) )

I got an email from a guy just wanting to check in and make sure I was okay.

I am. I really, really am. I’m more content with everything than I was when I left. That includes TTWTA, Cael in general, all of my issues… everything. I’ve found a level ground with a lot of stuff. I’ve always been happy with Cael but I think he’s finally hammered some of the stuff he’s been trying to get me to see into my head enough that I’m seeing it and believing it and I’m a lot happier because of it. It may not have come across in the last post because it was a catch-all type post but I’m doing very well.

I was also asked the reasoning for the new “Rule Column.”

The reasoning for that is simple. Over the last few months I’ve not accepted comments because they were rude, or mean, or tried picking apart my lifestyle. Same thing has happened with the email account. I got tired of it. So, I put up the rules as fair warning to everybody that I’m done being nice about a lot of this stuff. Most people are good and don’t need the warning. Others seem to.

There was a question about my being absent from messengers and facebook (My Serene sub accounts).

First, I’ve been told that my serensub account for messenger isn’t showing me as online…even when I am. So, there is a good chance I’ve been on when you are and it’s just not showing me. If it’s not, try finding me in your offline contacts… sometimes if I’m on it lets the messages go through and I’ll answer you if I’m there.

Second, I routinely forget that I have a facebook account for Serene. In fact I have somebody that has added me right now… and every time I log into my vanilla account I mean to switch over and accept the friend request.. and I forget. There are very few people on the account, so maybe that’s why. I don’t talk to people there unless they message me so it rarely crosses my mind. (Goes to accept request while I’m thinking about it) (Done!)

Third, I haven’t even been on my vanilla accounts much lately. When I took a hiatus from the blog I also took one from other accounts in the end. I really did focus on Cael. For the first while I was still on facebook and twitter and fetlife and commenting on other blogs. Then the long weekend hit and I was busy the whole time. That was also around the time(a few days before) that Cael started getting back to himself more. .. as that happened I focused even more of my attention there. Quite happily. Now… that’s just a constant state. I go to bed when he does, I wake up when he does, I spend my day doing things that he would expect instead of sitting around on the computer like I used to. I’m now cleaning everyday, and getting dressed most days instead of having PJ days. I’m going into town more than I used to. I’m getting some exercise by going into town looking at cars..walking lots, shopping. When I’m not in town I’m cooking, or cleaning, or reading, or doing school work. I’m focusing else where. Cael is the center of it… and is the drive for me doing other things. I know he wouldn’t want me sitting around all day like I used to so I’m not. I’m being productive. Or trying. I play on the computer as I walk past it in my room. I may be on it for a total of an hour a day lately, where as before it was several hours. It was always in my lap. Which isn’t helpful to me in any way. And I’ve realized that.

I’m still blogging, still around on other accounts… just not as much. The computer is a time suck for me because of all the people I talk to on it… I get on here and suddenly it’s 4 hours later and I’m still in my pajamas. I’m sure there are days where It’ll happen again but it hasn’t yet.

I am sorry for those of you who have not had me around to pester (Sephi!) but I’m focusing on Cael.. and what he’d prefer I did. Which most days does not include sitting on my ass for days on end doing nothing. If that’s something you do… that’s great if it works for you. It isn’t working for me right now. So, I’m changing it.

“Is anything new?”

Psht.

Well, Cael has had me install skype on my computer and give him complete access. Which means he can turn on my webcam at any point in time and see me. Which was scary at first but I’ve adjusted. He hasn’t done a surprise visit yet but I have no doubt that it’s coming. And that I’ll be nervous the first time or two but it’ll recede. We’ve already used it once, he looks fucking gorgeous in a suit btw. Oh my gods.

He’s instituted new rules about me telling him where I am every time I leave the house. He did so without ever saying anything. Brain washing at it’s best.

I realized that the root of my issues,  with my weight, with not understanding that I mean so much to Cael, and every other one I have may be because I don’t feel I’m worth it. So that’s something I’m working on and trying to correct. Because if Cael thinks I’m worth it then I must be, thus I’m trying to see that and accept it.

Along with being more content, I’ve become more submissive and comfortable in that place. I’m feeling like I have a place again. I’ve always known that my place was at Caels side, taking orders but since he’s been more himself and around more lately I’ve been feeling more in place than I have for months.

I seem to have taken on a bit of a different attitude towards a lot of things lately. I’ve gotten rid of or lessened influences that I’ve realized aren’t helpful to me. I got a little muddled listening to other people for a while instead of myself and I’m not sure why. But I’ve corrected it. Both with little things and big. Part of that is not spending hours on the computer a day. The other part of that is re-embracing my submission and following Cael like I feel is right… not how others tell me to. Because in the end I know what is right for us. He knows what is right for us. ..that’s the end of the list.

I’ve dyed my hair red. Though it is fairly faded now, it’s still red. It was bright red when I first did. A week or so in and it’s not frightening anymore.

AND!! My first post on Eden Cafe got put up!

I think that about catches everybody up. :) Now, I’m off to shower and start prep on my supper.

>Hiatus Rescinded

>I’ve been staring at this screen for a while now. Unsure of how to start again. I’ve been gone long enough that I’m not sure where to start. I do however know that I need to start. Need to come back. I’ve missed this place. Paused several times to say “I need to blog about that” and realized I wasn’t blogging then. I needed to come back. And not just because I was certain any day now Cael would be up my ass about it :)

As mentioned I left because of TTWTA. (Scroll down if you don’t remember what it means) That thing is doing better. That thing..ha. It was stuff with Cael. Not relationship stuff, medical stuff. He ended up getting an operation for “TTWTA” and is doing better. Now it’s just dealing with the healing and recovery. Which is not an easy thing. especially for stubborn dom types. He has good days and bad days. I try to be reassuring and positive… or at least not a total basket-case pain in the ass.

In other news I am currently being punished. And I don’t get to just sit down and write lines like some people I know. I don’t have to sit on sandpaper. I don’t get lashes right now. Nope. I am a week in a half into a THREE WEEK punishment. Three weeks. Let that sink in for a minute. Absorb it. Loathe it. He had me orgasming at least 8 times a day for a week. Which lets face it, when you haven’t been exercising thus haven’t been permitted orgasms… jumping up to 8 a day hurts. Every single muscle that clenches? Hurts. Your hand hurts. Your body rebels, I had to force toys inside me by day two because my pussy wouldn’t open up to them like it normally does. Now? I am in the second week, where I get nothing. No touching at all. Nothing pleasurable in any way. I can shave, that is as much touching as I can do. I have another week and half of this. Which, I could have done no problem. But my body got used to all the orgasms everyday. Now it craves them. I’ve dreamt of nothing but sex and release since I’ve been denied it. Being told no always makes you want something more doesn’t it? What did I do to deserve this?  I stopped sending reports of my diet to him. We went about two weeks or more where he didn’t say a damn thing. Then, he had the surgery and started get back to himself more than I’ve seen him in months. Months. He suddenly found his dominance. He noticed the lack of reports. I didn’t think he did. He knows me too well. He knew I was testing him before I even did. He knew I did it because I’m not used to anybody let alone my dominant paying attention to me. At all. B never did, nobody else that had any authority ever did either. It’d last for a week or so then they’d just walk away from it. He doesn’t. He cares. He pays attention. He has expectations and when I don’t meet them I am held accountable. It’s something I’m getting used to. Accepting. Appreciating.

Because I do. Cael is… he is so many positive things that I’ve never had before. Ever. I love being with him, so much it is impossible to explain it without sounding like an idiot. He pays attention to me, he follows through on what he says all the time, he cares about me and actually shows it even though we’re apart right now. I know he’ll show it in different more affectionate ways when we are together, and I can’t wait because I don’t get that side of him right now. It’s too hard for him. And I can deal with that, because I know it’s coming. I know how sweet and loving he really is. I know how sincere he is. Knowing I can trust him no matter what is so important and comforting. If he makes a mistake he comes to me with it, I don’t have random unpleasant surprises once he knows I’m not okay with something. In that sense our relationship is equal… and I thrive on that.

I also thrive on his dominance in a huge way. Ever since he had the surgery he’s been more himself. He’s been more dominant. In the last two weeks I haven’t done a damn thing without permission. Looking back I don’t think I’ve spent a penny without his permission or mentioning what I want to him first.  I haven’t left the house without telling him where I’m going. He knows exactly where I am every second of the day. I don’t even walk around the block or over to my grandmothers without telling him first to make sure it’s okay. If I go into town, out with a friend…anything, he is told. He is told as soon as I know.

This last weekend was a long weekend where I live. On this long weekend friends and family always go down the piece of land my family owns. Its right beside a river and is usually a good time. As soon as I found out my family was taking our trailer down I told Cael. I told him I’d be going for the day but I’d be coming home to sleep. I told him I’d have cell service so he could always get to me. And when he asked if I’d be late one night, even though he said he was just wondering… I was home early that night. I go get groceries on the same day every week, he’s known this for a while so I don’t send a text for that. But I send one when I get back. And I send one if I end up going back to town for anything that day.

I bought a set of dishes and canisters yesterday. They were on sale. The plates are the really heavy (and by heavy I mean it. I had my brother carry them out to the car so I didn’t drop them) ones in a dark, rich brown that I’ve been eying for probably a year or more. They’re normally around $70 or $80 for a 12 piece set. They were on for $15. I’m pretty sure I had a mini happy orgasm over this. Then I walked around the corner and found a canister set that I’ve been wanting on for $5 And yet? I asked if I could get it all first. This is where Cael learned something. If I am not directly told “No” on something I really want… I will justify it. I can justify anything. Ask Sephi. I justified her getting chinese food for supper once in under a minute flat *nods* Skill. Since he just talked to me about it asking if it was needed or not…I walked out of the store with a set of dishes and canisters :D

It helps me deal with the fact that it’s going to be a while before I move. I get little things occasionally. It makes me feel like we’re working towards me moving, not just standing still and stuck. I’ve been thinking about it and other than a few odds and ends when I move I will have mostly kitchen supplies. I’ve been collecting the odd coffee cup two over sized ones, one M&M one from Disneyland  and one my great-grandmother gave me. I have a set of glasses and just plain white dishes I was given. I suspect greatly they’ll be my “It’s not going to kill me and I wont kill you if these get broken” set.  I have the set of dishes I bought yesterday as well as the canisters. I have a pyrex baking set. I also have a full set of my great grandmas china. By full I mean it has the large plates, the small plates, two different sets of bowls, teacups, saucers and a sugar and cream set somewhere(probably at my grandmothers). Those? May not move with me right away. I don’t want to use them everyday and have them broken and chipped. I also have a china hutch and a buffet that are antiques and wont be moving right away. Because if any of it got broken I’d probably have to take whoever did it the fuck out.

Moving should be fun.

Cael told me the other day that I could play with girls whenever. Even when I’m up there. Which to me is unfair. I wouldn’t like him playing with other girls without me when I move so I wont do it to him. Playing with other girls together is part of the fun to me. I don’t think I could just be with a girl. I need some manface thrown in *nods*

I think for today this is enough. It’s a good start, but before I end the post I want to do two things. First : New background. Sephi made. We luff her. Second : Read the new column on the left side. It is Sereneland law.

>Place To Be

>Since wandering onto the EdenFantasys website I’ve been searching. Searching for what? A toy? A candle? A mythical piece of lingerie?

No. I’ve been searching other sites. Other toy sites, other sex positives sites. I’ve even had things shipped to me from these other sites and you know what? EdenFantasys wins out.

Not just for their selection, or their easy to navigate website. No, for their people. I love the people on EF.

As you know I’ve submitted an article or two to Eden Cafe through Carrie Ann. And you know what? She is helpful, and nice and answered all my questions and is just all around awesome.

I’ve activated the affiliate program through Kris and then helped Sephi activate hers… and every question I had for her she answered within minutes and went above and beyond explaining past my questions.

And then there’s Jenn. She’s the first person I had contact with through EF, and she is really all kinds of awesome. She runs the ambassador program and has been peppered with my questions and hasn’t told me I’m bothering her once and always answers quickly. We’ve talked about every day stuff and she’s always friendly, and she’s offered to try to up my ambassador gift cards eventually…without me asking.

Every person on EF helps improve the experience, and make it the only place I want to order from.

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>Hiatus

>Hiatus :  Noun: A pause or gap in a sequence, series, or process.

I wont be around for a bit. It could be a couple of days, a week, or maybe even two. I don’t know. I’ll be back when I can write here again and have something to say. I’ll be back when this stuff with Cael is either solved or not so damn terrifying anymore. Maybe when we find out what’s happening I’ll need somewhere to write about it and will be back. It’s all up in the air right now.

But I will be back.

Right now I need to focus on myself, on Cael, on pushing forward and making sure we’ll be okay. That’s where I need to be centered. That’s where I’ll be.

Because he means the world to me.

Because I worry about him.

Because I can take his anger and frustration and know it’s coming from somewhere else.

Because I hate the word “luff” yet use it everyday for him because that’s all I’m permitted to say and can’t not say it.

Because he owns me, every part of me.

That’s where I’ll be.

P.S. EdenFantasys post will probably continue unless I shut them off. They are scheduled a few weeks in advance. That is if I’m gone that long.

P. P. S. Over the last while I’ve received comments and emails. A lot of emails. They’re concerned I’m in an abusive relationship, some more persistent than others. Some out right rude that I have banned immediately without posting the comment or reading further in the email.  That will be done when I return. There will be a disclaimer put up, and anybody that goes against it will more than likely be blocked from commenting or my receiving their mail. I’m tired of it. Tired of reiterating. Tired of being called naive and stupid. Yes, YOU who sends me several emails a day has ruined it for anybody else with good intentions that isn’t a ginormous cunt. Congrats. 

>You Put Your Arms Around Me & I’m Home

>Today I don’t have much to say. What I want to talk about is something I’m not ready to post about. Part of the same thing that I wasn’t ready to post about before.

Because of TTWTA (That Thing I Wont Talk About) Cael isn’t coming down right now. Maybe not be able to for quite a while. Which really sucks. A lot. But I think if we’ve learned anything from the last few years it’s that I’m willing to wait and he is so worth it. He means the world to me and I luff him to pieces, giving up now is so not an option. I’m not going anywhere, even if he tries to get rid of me :) Right now I’m doing my best to be supportive, to try to make things easier, or at least not any harder. Of course I want him here, but I am willing to wait. When he does finally make it down there will be back scratches and lots of sleeping. I want to take care of him, and since I can’t do it now chances are I will when we’re finally around each other. This is just yet another reasons I SHOULD MOVE. *ahem*

Other than that there isn’t much to report. My back is doing better, I was finally able to bend enough to shave. Thank fuck. I hate not shaving. Hate it.  My skin is currently rebelling. Between the random stresses and skipping my mandatory bleed to death week this month. It is the suck.

And just because I like this song, and it’s hitting home lately for obvious reasons so I thought I’d share it  :

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close…

You put your arms around me and I’m home