>Freedom ; Just Another Word For Missing You

>Cael and I talked last night, and he asked for a bit of space. Not a “We’re finished” kind of space, but a “Little less contact for a bit, less cling” kind of space. There’s a lot going on with him right now and he knows he can take a bit of a step back from me and I wont be going anywhere. He can’t do that with the other stuff going on. It’s not a huge deal really, just a little most space between us talking and less pestering from me is what he wants. Of course, he and I have talked everyday (aside from days when one of us has been gone all day or away) so it’s a huge adjustment for me. I’ve never had a relationship where I didn’t talk to the person everyday, he has. He’s a lot more accustomed to the space than I am, but personal reasons have made space necessary for the time being. In person when this happens I’m not sure what I’ll do. Read, stay in a different room for the most part. I don’t know. It should be interesting. But definitely doable for him :) Yes, I am a suck up sometimes. (does anybody else hear that masculine laughter? No? In my head again? Damn worm)

The thing is, when he gets in these states, he changes. He picks at things he normally wouldn’t. He forgets things, that would at times help. And sometimes? I don’t see it right away. I know something is off but I can’t pinpoint what it is. So, when we went over 30 hours without speaking I had a bit of a freak out. If I know what’s going on, if I know his issues are flaring up I don’t freak out. I rationalize it and understand it. But, when I assumed the issue was gone and didn’t know what was going on? That? Is when I flip shit. Long silences, with no explanation especially with the rough patches we’ve had lately will freak me out every time. And he knows this, but when this happens it’s totally understandable that informing me isn’t his first thought. At the time I didn’t know that though. Essentially it was a bit of a mess.

All of that to say “I’ve been thinking.” Last night before Cael and I spoke, I was talking to Sephi and she was telling me that it’s okay to be mad. She thought I should be, because she would be. I wasn’t. I was scared. I was worried about him, us. Over the last few months since Cael and I have been going through this rough spot I’ve talked to several other subs or slaves and none of them share my view point. None of them understand where I’m coming from. Neither do I. Not entirely.

I’ve known for a while that I don’t fit into the sub category. Nor the slave category. I fit into the “cunt” category quite nicely. I missed the line for the brain to mouth filter. I don’t respond kindly to authority or sadism, yet I crave it…although slightly ungraciously. “I know where you live mah fuggah” is apparently not a generally accepted response to either. Kaya wrote a post that sums it up nicely.

However after all day of sitting and thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that part of it for me is an animalistic thing. I am very selective about who gets the submissive side of me. Cael is the only one that gets it. He is the only person that has ever proved himself worthy of it. To him in some ways I respond like prey. Not easy prey, but prey. Sometimes the cat just watch the mouse dodging in and out, teasing him. Other times he attacks the mouse. I need that. I need to know that if I step out of line, raise my ass too high he will take it out and force me back into  my place. Back into pack hierarchy. Sometimes I test him, not always intentionally, but he never loses. Ever. He ALWAYS fights harder than I do, takes a bigger bite out of me than I do out of him.

A part of me responds to that predatory instinct in him. And believe me, he does have one. He stalked me, and conquered me without me knowing it the first time. I am not a slave fire burning in my belly type of person. I need somebody to be worthy, to conquer me, to hunt me and win the fight. Because part of me? Part of me wouldn’t respect and be able to follow him if he just let me conquer him. The other part of me though, hates like fuck to lose. However, all of me recognizes that I need to lose, I need to be the prey with him. It’s just what’s right. I’ve had dreams lately of talking to my spirit animal. A wolf, ironically. And it’s always told me that I’m supposed to follow Cael, that’s where I belong. Lately though, I’ve been offering my throat to him in dreams, and having random thoughts of it throughout the day. It’s a submissive gesture to a dominant. You do not offer your throat to somebody you think will tear it out.

In some way it’s almost a relationship between two dominants, two impossible, hard, complicated people in one relationship. There are varying levels of dominance and to him, I submit. I am submissive. In general I am not at all. But he is always more dominant than I am. In fact, I have no dominance with him. But I put up a good fight. I fight and push and claw and bite and he WILL STILL win. I love that he can beat the shit out of me mentally, emotionally and physically. No matter how I try to fight he doesn’t declaw me. That he keeps that wild cuntness that’s there. He can over power me while I swear and fight and I love it. He keeps me in check, keeps me grounded. He’s what rules me in a lot of ways.

I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore. Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking and just started typing.

>Hrmm,

>I don’t really know what to say today. Cael and I had a misunderstanding yesterday, we’re still in that rough spot from before but as long as we both keep moving forward I think we’ll be okay. I have learned though that we definitely function better together when the dynamic is more prominent. In time.

Other than that I’m about a pound away from having lost the first 20. My first goal. It’s exciting, and nice that my clothes are fitting differently. But, I still haven’t noticed a huge change. *shrugs*

I have toys on their way for me to review. And there’s a postal strike. Worst. Timing. Evar. 

>EdenFantasys

>As you know I’ve been on an orgasm avoidance binge. Still am actually. But, every now and then I log into my account on EF and go searching. I even placed an order a bit ago and it arrived a day early.

No toys of course, but toys aren’t all EF sells. I opened my little brown box and found a Jimmyjane Afterglow candle. It’s the gingersnap scent which smells amazing, thought I am eying the black current scent next.

I also got a “Romantic Candle” which is a loose wax candle. I also got some Shunga massage oils  I have the orange and apple of those, the apple doesn’t seem to have much scent but the orange smells amazing.   I use the oils like lotion most of the time. Just a tiny little bit will do my entire body and I’m really soft and smell great afterwards. I’ve found that I like the Shunga oil better than the KamaSutra brand. The really herbal like scents give me a headache. But the Shunga oils do not. They’re also great for baths. I’m a little sad I didn’t figure this out in winter, I generally don’t take baths in summer.

So, even if sex toys aren’t your thing there are plenty of other “toys” for you at EdenFantasys!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

>Ramble

>Well, I have a post due. Other than burying myself in school work nothing else is really going on.

I realized yesterday that I haven’t seem Chris in over a year. I haven’t talked to him in months. And as of this morning I now know for sure that he didn’t move back to the nearby city. Nope. He is exactly 20 minutes from me and I haven’t seen him in a year. He’s not answering texts or messages anywhere. To be honest, this isn’t even the first time. It’s nothing for him to disappear for weeks on end. Sometimes months though it’s rare. Every time it happens do you know the cause? A girl. Every time he gets a girlfriend he completely drops me. Chances are he drops a lot of people. This time? It’s pissing me off. He’s not 16 anymore he should be able to maintain more than one relationship at a time.  Especially with how close he said we were. It sucks. A lot. Other than Cael and Sephi he is the only person I actually talk to. He’s the only one close enough to actually spend time with on a regular basis. I’ve known him since we were both 5 years old. So, will I let him back in whenever he reappears? Probably. But it’s not going to be the same. It can’t be. I’m tired of it. Tired of being dropped over girls that treat him like shit. Tired of being ignored. Tired of him in general right now.

I spent all day yesterday typing. And probably will today. My adviser is supposed to send me a grad plan to get the last 3 things I need today so I may go in to get books. Other than that though? Typing. School work, and Cael time is my plan today.

Why Cael time? Because I miss him and am soaking up as much of him as I can lately. For months now it’s been one thing after another. When he was sick he wasn’t himself at all, then he was busy with school, then he was traveling, then he had friends out, then he had a surgery, then he got back to himself for a bit and we had (what shall now be forever known as )the Great Implosion and he was mad for a long time, then disappointed. He’s still not back to normal with me but we’re moving forward. Then he had some issues with his bank and his car got broken into. Then there were some personal things that kept him away for a bit and now next weekend he’s helping friends move and will be gone all weekend. That’s not even counting all the school work and everything I’m wrapped up in. I? Miss that man.

With all the typing I’ve been doing lately I’ve had a lot of time to just think. Mindless typing lends itself to that. Just as my brain tends to lend itself to Cael. I realized just how lucky I am to have him. I realized that he is amazing to me and pretty damn perfect in his own way at least for me. I also realized that on some level we needed the Great Implosion to show me that this is different. I’ve had relationships seem awesome at first then just fall apart because the guy wasn’t what he claimed to be. I think in some part of my mind I was waiting for that to happen with Cael, even if  I didn’t know it. I knew in the front part of my mind that he was different, that he never lies and will always be the same man with me, always be my owner. But the back part of my mind waited. And yes, he faltered a time or two and I am still getting over one of those falters, as he’s getting over one of mine. Now? That doubting, scared part of my mind isn’t even there anymore. I think it was waiting. Waiting for him to prove what he says. Waiting for me to feel worth all the effort he puts in and things he says to me. He’s changed the way I think in general, and he’s changed the way I think about myself. Yeah I still have issues but they aren’t as big as before. He’s a lot deeper in my head this time around.

Last time I was open with him but I still hid. I haven’t been hiding. At all. I stumble, I tell him right away. I’m at the point where I don’t understand why I didn’t before. I don’t understand why I hid from him. He is the last person in the world that I need to hide from. Right now I don’t have rules, but I’m following the old ones because I don’t know how not to really. This mindset isn’t the same as the last one I had. This one doesn’t know how to function without the rules. I’m not sure where this mindset comes from other then finally getting it. Finally understanding my place, what I should be doing, how he wants me to function. So right now when I tell him I’m stumbling he just accepts it. He doesn’t direct or lead much right now. And sometimes that drives me up the wall, I want to stomp and cry and beg for him to take control back and tell him it’s changed, the punishment worked. Then I remember that it’s my fault that we are where we are. That I need to be patient and wait for him to get back to that place we were before, wait for him to trust me again. And I even back out, I realize that the break is a good thing for both of us. It’ll get us over those missteps we’ve both made, and make this mindset for me more stable.

Cael so important to me, it’s what makes him the center of my world and makes me luff him. Because there is not one single person in the world that I want to be with more.

>Well, Here I Am

>Clearly, I’ve had to move. I loved wordpress, but it marked my blog as purely a marketing blog for some reason and cancelled out all my links. When that happens it’s generally not long before they shut the blog down and losing almost two years of my life would have been heartbreaking. So, I moved my blog. And by “I” I mean Sephi figured out how to move it. I luff her.

Now, because I have more work to do, because I have a blog post due soon and don’t want to use all the thoughts I have now and because I am exhausted. Today, you get an explanation :)

>Abaloopah.

>I am so fucking fried today I can’t even remember if I showered. So, I’ll be doing that (possibly again) soon.

I’m so over whelmed with everything from school, personal things, and pms my chicken wouldn’t cook right last night and I ended up in tears. Over burnt chicken. Of all the shit going on THATS what put me over the edge.

I ended up in tears and crawling to Cael. I luff that man so much. He doesn’t even get phased by my moments. He just awe’s me and lets me curl up to him for a while until the sky quits falling. He is the most amazing master man evah. I miss him. He’s busy this weekend. And next weekend. And works all week and is usually tired as hell when he gets home so he’s quiet. It’s going to be interesting.

And that? Is all I have today. I’m off to do some more work. Great.

>Sorry!

>So, I got caught up in school work and totally forgot I had a post due.

….as such I have nothing really. Though I did get asked a question yesterday so thank fuck for that.

Ever since things with Cael restarted you haven’t been sharing as much. How come?

I went back and realized that indeed this person is right. I haven’t been. Most of that is because I became reliant on this place to say things to him that I found hard. Which, it still is and will be I’m sure even in person. It’s somewhere I can expand on things I’ve told him or tell him things that are hard for me to say right in person. But. It shouldn’t be the only source of communication for issues. Which it was becoming. Instead of telling him I screwed up or was slipping… I blogged about it. I got it out and he would know. But it doesn’t work like that. I need to tell him. I need to be able to do that. There’s no reason I shouldn’t. And if I think I have a reason… it’s a made up, shoved my head up my ass, not real reason. So, I’ve dialed it back here so I get in the habit of telling him. Which I’ve been doing okay with. There are still times where his life gets hectic and stressful and you couldn’t pay me enough to add to that. When that happens I add it to my nightly emails. He still gets it, he just deals with it in his own time and doesn’t have it added to an already overflowing plate which means he doesn’t get mad at me for saying it, or for not saying it. Happy medium. Why doesn’t that work here? Because sometimes he misses a post, or just skims it, or finds another point he thinks is more important and misses the others. Or sometimes? He doesn’t read them. Which is fine, but that means he doesn’t get the confessions I put in them. He reads the emails, even if it is sometime later.

I’m huge fuck up proofing my world. I don’t ever want to be here again. It’s been a few weeks but it’s still a scary place. Especially with all the shitty and unfortunate and frustrating things happening in our lives at the moment. It changes how we react, and our moods. So we have to work through that to get back to what’s normal for us and then move forward. I’m definitely still a little insecure, but right now… that’s just one more thing for him to deal with. One more thing for me to deal with. We’re both already swamped. So, that’s gone into the emails and will be dealt with when the sky is done falling.

Also known as “could not pay me enough” :D