>Muh Fuggah

>I got up today with the intention of actually writing. It’s been a long time since I have. I finally have the time now and I haven’t written a single word. So, today was the day I told myself! You will sit down and you will write and it will be wonderful I told myself.

3 hours later my word doc is still blank and I am feeling like this:

Muh. Fuggah.

>All Full Up

>Yesterday I went grocery shopping, as usual. Today I went again… different stores this time. I also stopped at a mini farmers market on the street. Now, this doesn’t sound bad. Until you factor in that my fridge was full yesterday. Full to the point I have fruit and veg sitting on the shelves because the drawers are full. And it’s not just sitting on the shelves. It’s stacked. Because the shelves are full too. I got a few pounds of cherries yesterday as well as some veg to go with the carrots and peas I got previously. Then today on top of a cart full of groceries from yesterday I got some bread and meat for the freezer.  It’s full. If we have left overs I have nowhere to put them. I love summer, but my refrigerator does not agree.

Other than that not much has happened. Cael went out last night and was telling me about it today. He mentioned a girl and we carried on talking. Then I mentioned how he tends to collect girls (he totally does) and he told me this girl was dating his friend. He has a habit of this. He mentions girls and lets me get a little jealous and THEN he tells me the second half of the sentence that should have been included in the first place. I think somewhere in him he actually likes that I get a little jealous, which is good because it’s impossible not to.

I did however manage to completely break down the other night. Cael was busy so I hadn’t talked to him all day. Several things just weren’t working like they should, and then I got into conversations with people that slowly chipped away at me. Eventually I gave up and went to bed at 9:30 and curled up with my pillow and bawled for a bit. At which point I had the thought of “I want my master!” which made me feel all of about 3 years old. At this point I rolled over and went to sleep because my head was getting darker and more child like and it just seemed the best idea.

Now? My head is killing me, and this is where I’m leaving it for today because the light is hurting my eyes. Hopefully next time I’ll have something more to say.

>WTF Me?

>Yesterday Cael was helping me set up some stuff on my computer. We hit a few…minor bumps. First, he missed steps. He’d say something and leave out the part where I had to switch tabs or pages and so on. Then we discovered I am just not technology savvy and I handed over control of my computer to him. At which point he took time to snoop through my files. Not a huge thing…anything I have I’ve either sent him, he’s sent me or it just doesn’t matter.

Mostly though, I argued with him. Over stupid shit. And not just smart ass comments, which I did. That’s normal though… it’s just whim dependent. Sometimes he laughs, other times I get in trouble. This time I told him he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was when he couldn’t get things working…and I got in trouble. I have a random pop up punishment coming …sometime. The arguing though? I don’t even remember what it was. Probably nothing really. It’s not like I did it intentionally. I really didn’t. It just came out…and I couldn’t stop. Seriously. As I argued out loud my head was screaming “shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP.”  I did get better… I held it in the second time around. I swallowed what I was arguing about or saying… and it was hard. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t look at him because when I did I wanted to talk. Of course, as soon as I got quiet I got informed that it was a moment of control. Which, it was.

But why argue when I didn’t want to? Not entirely sure. In person with most people it’s a layer of defense. Don’t let them in by arguing and making comments. But. He’s already in. Maybe just something I need to overcome. It does nothing but get me in trouble… and I can’t not let him in when he’s already in deeper than is usually possible. Letting that guard down is hard though. I’ve done it over text but my first instinct in person..and apparently on skype is to make the comments, to argue. Until I get over this I see our conversations driving me up the wall as I try to swallow the stupid comments. I see it being painful soon if I don’t get over it. He’s whimmy lately. And very mean. The first time he tried helping he had his shirt unbuttoned a bit and I commented on it after. The next time? It was undone all the way. He’s mean. And a tease. I want teh fuzzeh. And the glasses are hot too.. fuck. Maybe my issue is all the blood instantly vacated my brain and took up housing elsewhere? Yeah. Lets go with that.

>Snork!

>Sephi: I am not full of it! you were in a mood!
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Haha How!  
Sephi: you were all nancy negative  
Sephi: always a bad side to everything I said or suggested
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Not true. I was betty boobala! Sephi: then he came and talked to you and suddenly it was all light and rainbows and unicorn farts
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: UNICORN FARTS?! 
Sephi: yes
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: I don’t think I was quite that floaty. 
Sephi: smells like skittles, tastes like the rainbow :D
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: hahaha 
Sephi: pretty good huh? I should do a skittles commercial
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Ha. Yeah…they’d totally hire you. Sephi: I think so 
Sephi: I’m just enough awesome and weird
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Just enough? I’m thinking you more than meet their standards…. you’re over qualified is what it is 
Sephi: oh cheers 
Sephi: I choose to take that as a compliment so NEH!
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Haha take it however ya want

>Oh Happy Place

>The last two days have been spent with Lady Di and my uncle. Friday night I went in to their place in town and spent the night. We watched the Swan Princess (Shadup! I love Jean-Bob) and Megamind. ….soo good. The next day Lady Di and I went to the farmers market and a few other stores picking stuff up for my grandmothers birthday party. I ended up bringing home some cherries and two pounds each of baby carrots and garden peas. I love veggies, I naturally tend to eat healthy. I’ve always chosen veggies over chips or crackers or whatever else is offered. I’ve decided I’m going to start cooking like that again. My weight is stuck, and I’m having issues with exercise but my diet.. I can alter that with no issue at all. I ate entirely vegetarian/vegan for over a year and was quite happy. I’m not going back to that but fresh, raw…or steamed veggies are good. Less meat..if its possible I don’t tend to eat a lot to begin with. And what I do eat is the leanest ground beef I can afford that week, and chicken. Other than that I eat fish/seafood and that’s it. I’m not a big fan of pork… if anything I may grab ham for lunches.  I need to start eating three meals a day again and if I can’t then have my diet shakes because I’ve been skipping generally at least one meal a day. Sometimes two.

I’ve also been thinking about exercise more the last few days. I really want to get back to where I was before. I also want to invest in an elliptical and a heavy bag at some point. (Cael and I are going to have our own gym at this rate. I already have a bike and a treadmill.) I’d like to move the treadmill upstairs so its easier for me to use(asthma and dusty basements don’t mix) and always in my face….but it doesn’t fit anywhere. Even folded up there’s no where I could put. I could unfold it in my room to use it but it would take up the whole floor to leave it there. See my issue? It’s even worse now that my brother broke his PS2 and got a new xbox… I can turn the machine on…but I can’t get it to open or figure out how to switch the tv over to it. …I can hear Cael laughing right now. He thinks it’s hilarious and calls me his “little technophobe.”

I’ve also been thinking about having baths at night again and going on walks and writing..even if I have to force it at first. Basically a case of going back to what I used to do with the new mindsets I have now.

When did I come up with all of this? Sitting at my grandmothers birthday party. Without my mom there I don’t have anybody to talk to because the other side of the family tends to come in and dominate the conversation and they talk about BMX racing and going to the bar…and it’s just boring as fuck and a little sad. My aunt knows what band is playing at the bar every night/weekend for the next month. It’s like they revolve around going out to the bar… and these are the same people who can barely afford to live. But they’ve always lived beyond what they could afford and always had somebody there to bail them out… I’m just not comfortable with them around. Especially since everybody in their house above drinking age has recently lost a huge amount of weight. Seriously, my aunt has lost about 150 pounds alone. Funny thing is..they’ve all done it in a matter of about 4 or 5 months… it was instant. It’s not possible to lose that much in that amount of time doing what they SAY they’re doing. Just eating differently and walking every night. I call bullshit. Especially when I can watch them each fill and eat 3 plates of food. Just walking..or even running around the tiny little pond we have in town twice like they say will not give that result. It’s just irritating because I’ve worked hard for what I’ve lost. And I still have a lot of hard work ahead of me and they’re taking the unhealthy and easy way out. And I say unhealthy based on the fact they lost so much so quickly…it’s not good for your body.. and it makes me wonder exactly what they’re doing in their own time to  cause that, especially knowing some of the things they’ve done previously.

But, other than that my weekend was okay. Spent a lot of time with Lady Di, talking about …everything from abortion to sex toys and fruit. I also gave her a little more of my dynamic with Cael and she’s fine. She thinks like I do… and I like knowing that he and I have at least one place we can go that is family that we don’t really have to hide. It’s great.  I did however miss Cael this weekend. He had a wedding to go to and help with so I went two days without him and as usual it sucked, I didn’t get insecure though which I normally do! I think finally we may have gotten a bit of a handle on all of it between talking before my previous post about sharing and after. But I did get to talk to him for a while this morning and took care of the missing pout and he pretty quickly put me in place. Now? I’m just content and happy and….sigh. :)   Though, according to Sephi I was in a mood before he woke up today. I personally think she’s full of it. :D

>Comfort!!

>If you’ve been reading here for a while you know that I have body issues. Body issues you say? Why yes!

I am absolutely over weight. I’m watching what I eat and trying to get my exercise under control. I hate to exercise. Everybody says that they hate it for the first few weeks or months and then they love it…it energizes them. I am not one of those people thus far. I had a tiny taste of it and then it reabsorbed into itself and I haven’t found it since.

I am very aware of my body. I know what size I am and there are days where it really drags me down. There are days where I do get depressed. But, then there are days where I don’t care. Where I think I look good and take 50 + pictures to send to Cael because I feel sexy and happy.

Right now, I am attempting to write a post for Eden Cafe, which is a blogging site that is affiliated with EdenFantasys and has become its own little community. I have written a few posts for them already on my relationship, the things that have happened in my past… this topic though? It’s the hardest one I’ve found. I am trying my best to be positive and see the good side of things but some days, that isn’t easy. Some days I want to curl up with a plate of brownies and never reemerge to the world.Those days are rare anymore. I really am happier and more content with my body. Especially since Cael made me strip for him so he could see everything. 

Another thing I found that helped was going through the archives at Eden Cafe. They have sexual pieces, erotica, relationship advice, ….they also have body image pieces. And more often than not they are inspirational or just body positive. This article in particular made me smile and I just wanted to share it with you all :)

Eden Cafe

>Teeth

>I was asked why I’ve been writing mostly about Cael lately. The truth is… at first I wasn’t sure. It started out as me being scared of what was happening and this was a place for me to let it all out and say things to him and let him know how I feel. Lately though.. it’s because this whole internal enslavement thing has really taken hold. It’s impossible to explain unless you’ve been here. I thought I was here a while ago, until now that is.

This morning I woke up and said  “Morning master” …I rarely call him master but this morning it just came out, it was a natural thing. I also bought a skort because he made mention about me in skirts… so I bought a skirt training device (seriously, its been about 15 year since I wore a skirt…I need to remember to keep my legs shut -.-)…on top of several other things that I’ve just done without thinking about. He’s more solidly in the middle of my world now and I’m feeling it more lately. I also have been getting more and more secure in my place.

Also? I’ve been doing very little lately. I finally got a camera… its not a great one but its better than nothing and buying an expensive camera when I’m moving up with cael seems silly when he has a really good camera already.

This Saturday we’re having a BBQ for my grandmothers birthday. Not looking forward to it all. I’ve talked about my grandmother before but I haven’t mentioned my aunt. My aunt has been on a diet…she has lost over 150 pounds….in a few months… and she hasn’t changed how she eats and barely exercises. So, something is off there and while I know she isn’t losing weight in a healthy way and is probably screwing her body up majorly… it bothers me that I’ve been working so long and haven’t lost nearly as much.  My exercise has stalled…. I’m having trouble starting it up again since I had to put it off when I buried myself in school work. ….it’s just…frustrating and I end up feeling like shit when I’m around her. I need to be kicked in the ass and held to a schedule again because I’ve learned I cannot hold one by myself. I give myself too much leeway, while at the same time I know I need to do this by myself for right now. It’s a vicious little circle.

Oh, and several of my posts have made it up on Eden Cafe. Just click on my user name and hit the “See author posts” option and it will show them all to you. I’m currently trying to write one on body image. Slow. Going.


This one however? I quite like.

>Picky Pickerson

>I’ve been picking lately. Finding little things I’m wondering about and then asking and pestering until I get answers. I don’t think Cael is enjoying this phase.

Today I told him that he didn’t like admitting that he likes me, wants me, and wants me around. And he agreed. His reasoning is it’s too hard with the distance. He holds back because it’s easier for him. I don’t hold back anything, especially lately. I think we’d be better off giving each other everything. Just because we don’t say it out loud doesn’t mean it isn’t there or isn’t real. I understand why he does it, but I want all of him. Desperately. I can wait until he gets down here if I have to, because I know those things ARE there, they just aren’t said.

But, I’ve been thinking and I think part of my insecurity is that he hasn’t told me those things. So, while I think they’re there…maybe they aren’t,at least that’s a thought that creeps into my head now and then. I don’t know in the sense that he hasn’t told me. I need to be told those things … even if he just said “they’re true, they’re there” I’d be okay I think. He’s never come right out and said he luffs me, and wants me and needs/wants me around.

Knowing you’re wanted like that is a huge deal. Most days I know that, but hearing it is important. This is another one of those “Most of the time I’m okay but some days it’s harder” things. I’ve been thinking a lot about my insecurity because I’m tired of it being there and I know he is too, so figuring out where its coming from in all directions is helpful. I know right now my hormones being funky are feeding into those feelings, and to be honest…I’m not really upset. It’s almost more scientific right now… “poke this and this happens” type of thing.

I know Cael holds back because its what helps him deal with this and I totally understand that. I even agree with it happening if it does help. It just makes me look forward to him coming here even more. No really, it’s possible :)