>*Dusts Off Keyboard*

>*peers out cautiously*

Hi.

So, I’ve missed a few posts. Three I believe. That dark mood and headspace that was hanging over me for days finally took a strong hold. Cael was really sick for a while and we didn’t talk and I worried. Then we fought. Then some personal issues took hold of him. Then he was burnt out for a while and just disconnected. I slowly sunk deeper and deeper into the black hole until I couldn’t really see where I was anymore. I was lost, I didn’t know what my place was in the relationship or in general. I felt really insecure and just distant and disconnected. I floated between being entirely shut down and just hurting. I had pretty much checked out of everything.

Then yesterday Cael was busy and we didn’t talk until late last night. Normally that would have driven me up the wall when I get in these moods because all reason just dissolves. But I was fine. I missed him because I’ve missed talking to him for the last little while in general, but I didn’t get upset or get sucked into the blackness and doubt in my head. So, I seem to be pulling out of that horrible mood. It started with pms and a horrible dream about Cael dieing and then I couldn’t get in contact with him for a few days because he was so sick. Then we fought… and that is what really fucked me I think. I cannot fight with that man. I just can’t. Not unless I end up pissed off. If I end up scared or worried or any other emotion besides mad I can’t fight with him because it screws with my head. He’s too ingrained in me to do that. In all fairness, the fight wouldn’t have happened if I had not asked if we could talk. He was still sick but I had to ask then or I would have chickened out, we could have waited and I would have if he had to but he said we’d talk and didn’t sound happy about it. So I told him we could wait and he seemed to be more agitated so I said okay not wanting to make him mad… which just led to a fight because he was sick and dehydrated and I was pmsing and over sensitive and neither of us was getting across what we wanted. Then there was a large explosion and we didn’t talk for the rest of the day. … and I was terrified because with him being sick it ended in me not knowing if I was still owned or not. So Sephi and I talked and she talked to Cael and we just left it for a while. Eventually I understood part of what he was saying but that fight still messed me up. From there I just slowly slid down but I seem to be doing better. Thank gods.

I’ve been contemplating going and having acupuncture done. From talking to the girl most of what she’d focus on was my metabolism because in general I don’t eat junk, and I rarely over eat. I only do when I’m in a mood, so if anything maybe a little bit of binging. Cael approved it, it’s just up to me. For some reason these tiny little needles are intimidating me. I have several piercings, at one point I even had one in my chest. I’ve had a dull tapering rod shoved through my lip to re-pierce it and I was fine, but these tiny little nothing needles are psyching me out. 

I’ve been trying really hard to get exercising again, but I always talk myself out of it. I’m really noticing how much I need Caels rules to actually function sometimes. I miss them. A lot.

I’ve been lusting at a lot of corsets and clothing lately. Right now, at this weight I basically wear what fits and doesn’t make my lip curl up in disgust. There is a HUGE difference between what I’d like to be wearing and what I am right now. Part of it is money.. it costs more for larger sized items, the other part is just not liking they way things would fit me right now. I love corsets… hate my arms… you see the problem? I’ve been looking at underbust corsets and I want one or two of those so I can wear shirts and such under them but again, I wouldn’t get it until I lose some more weight. I did however hit a new low number last week. I gained about 2 or 3 back but I always do. It’s still the lowest I’ve weighed yet.

I’m getting excited to be smaller and happier and more confident. AND TO MOVE. Gods I want to go. Ever since he became home to me I’ve wanted to move about 3x more than I did before. It’s hard being homesick. *sage nod* And, sadly enough I’m excited to go up there and clean and make his lunches and just… be with him.

And now, I think I’ve gotten everything out that I had bubbling just below the surface, so for now, this is it. But I WILL be back to posting regularly. Damn ugly moods.

>Me Time

>Who doesn’t need some “Me Time” now and then?  Things lately have been stressful from several different fronts in my life. I’m either being pulled one direction or pushed away from another. While 98% of these things are not sex or relationship related… I still find myself flitting through EdenFantasys.

There are some days where sex toys just don’t appeal to me. Some days I just want to relax and try to forget the outside world. When I’m stressed out, and worried sick… the last thing I want to do is orgasm… or at least have to work for an orgasm. But Me Time? That I can do.

EdenFantasys has a whole mess of bath products. I personally am in love with the KamaSutra Treasure Of The Sea bath salts. They turn the water a gorgeous blue color, soften the water more than any other bath salt I’ve used, and they leave a soft scent behind on your skin for hours.

There are also fair sized bottles of bubble bath, and even a kit with different scents. I’ve even been eying this.  A friend of mine has a much smaller, non-vibrating version of this. It feels amazing.

So, if you aren’t feeling like a vibrator or a dildo, go look around for some bath products or candles and give yourself some me time.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

>Nuttin’

>It’s post day.

I went to a bar last night.

I missed Cael a bit.

He and I talked and agreed to discussing the open policy once we’re able to go back and forth a bit.

Other than that… due to PMS I am either pouty and clingy or just empty feeling.

Short post, but a post.

>Dark Days

>I woke up with my head in a dark space today. Doubts pushing at me, trying to drag me down and I finally realized why. Not only am I all hormonal so little things are bugging me more but I had a horrible dream last night. I don’t remember a lot of it but I was mad at Cael because he was living with a girl.. and then my alarm went off. Apparently that dream’s hanging on.

There has been quite a few things going on with Cael and I that I haven’t mentioned because I’m still trying to process them. Some of them I’m not a huge fan of, others are good things but terrifying right now.

First, Cael is saving up and moving to a new place. Which means he’s going to be able to afford to come visit, and after a few months of going back and forth I’m moving. Which is scary all on its on. Add on having to meet his family, having to get everything I need to move and getting everything sorted out and it’s intimidating.

Second, Cael hasn’t told anybody we’re together. Some of them know I exist…others don’t but none of them know we’re more than just friends. And that bugs me. I understand why he hasn’t told anybody. They wouldn’t approve of it right now and it would just make things harder on us but it still bugs me. Everybody I know, knows about him and knows I plan on moving soon. They don’t all approve, but they got told it was too bad when they started. But, I get it. I just don’t have to like it :)   That may actually feed into me getting jealous over things sometimes.. one of many things that feed into it. I’m really hoping once I’m there that goes away. I don’t see it sticking around long.

Third consisted of a melt down along with a realization. I was at a family dinner and a combination of things happened. There was family there that I am just not comfortable or happy to be around anymore. They end up making me feel worse about myself than anything else so I avoid them when I can lately. Then I had a little claustrophobic moment. I was sitting on the deck with everybody else at the end of the table. One minute it was fine and the next I had three people in chairs behind me so I couldn’t move and then my uncle wedged himself between me and my aunt and started smoking. Did I mention that I’m asthmatic? And that these people around me are all the ones that I didn’t want to be around? By this time it was around 7… and I hadn’t heard from Cael. Turns out his phone got shut off. Just before everybody crowded me in he had sent me a text and I was finally starting to feel okay. Then, everybody was too close, it was too warm, there was too much smoke…and I couldn’t talk to him because if I took out my phone they were all close enough they could have read it. It was at this point I started getting panicky and finally crawled out from everybody and went and sat by myself in a different room and talked to him. When I got home he and I talked some more and I ended up in tears I was so overwhelmed with everything. Then came the scary part. We realized that Cael is now my home. I’m not comfortable and at home around family anymore, if he’s not there in some way I’m uncomfortable and easily overwhelmed. He said it was bound to happen, he knows everything about me and I do spend most of my time talking to him. But now, it feels wrong. It feels off and I’m antsy and uncomfortable when I’m not talking to him during the day. I can go for a while without contact but that long paired with being with too many people doesn’t work it seems. It’s just not right when he isn’t around, it makes this whole distance thing harder when my home is 5 hours away. And it’s scary. Its a fuck of a lot of trust making somebody your home. It’s a lot to adjust to. It’s one thing to know it and say it but it’s whole other thing to feel it like I did the other night. Of course, this makes it a hell of a lot easier to move because where I belong isn’t here anymore. It’s up there with him.

>6am

>6 am is when my alarm went off. I huddled in my bed for a few minutes before finally getting up. Since then I’ve been busy. I’ve done a bunch of laundry, wrote a post for Eden Cafe, cleaned the kitchen, made a chicken for supper and started putting together my grocery list. All in all not a lot but it was enough to keep me busy and not getting all angsty over Cael being gone. He went back to work today… thus the 6am. I’ve really gotten used to having him around to talk to so it was an adjustment today.

I’m hoping tomorrow it’s easier to get up that early. I know he plans on me making him breakfast when I move so I would actually have to get up when the alarm goes off instead of just rolling over and talking to him until I work up to moving.

I’ve been craving Chinese food a lot lately. Unfortunately the oils in it, even if I stick to the veggie dishes upset my stomach. Well, they used to upset my stomach before I started eating better and losing the weight. Since then my stomach has gotten more finicky for oily not good for me food so its just bound to upset my stomach even more. Did I mention Cael is making his own tonight? Yep. He sucks.

Other than that I don’t really have much to say. Every thought I had went into my Eden Cafe post on body image and it’s wiped out everything else I had to say.

>Attack Of The Under Water Sea Creature

>If you’ve been reading my posts on EdenFantasys for a while you’ll have noticed I’ve been lusting after a few different toys. There have been a few reoccurring links. I finally broke down and bought one of them. As of last Tuesday I have been in possession of the Icicles No. 24.  What is the Icicles No. 24? It’s a glass toy of course.

However, it is not just any glass toy. It is a tentacle glass toy.

The toy is actually a very soft pink, soft enough that no matter what I do my camera will not pick it up. The dildo does have ridges along the bottom side of the shaft and a slight indentation running along the top down the center. On either side of the indentation are bumps that run the full length of the toy. It is a very textured toy. It was too much at first, too much texture, too much going on.. just too much. Until I used it a couple more times.  Then suddenly I really started to like it.

It comes in a box with no storage bag so you have to find your own storage but as far as I’m concerned.. I don’t have little kids around or people who would be going through my stuff. I can leave this on my bookshelf and it just looks like a tentacle.

That is another reason I absolutely love glass toys. A lot of them are very pretty and don’t look blatantly like a sex toy. I know a lot of people are scared of them breaking, but if you check them before use for cracks you should be okay. Most of the glass toys are made out of pyrex glass. I don’t know about you all but I am a bit accident prone. I am forever dropping things. I have dropped not only the pyrex cookware and not had it break but I’ve dropped my toys once or twice. As long as you check it for cracks or chips before use you should be okay. I don’t think I know anybody that orgasms hard enough to break a toy :)   So, if you haven’t tried a glass toy yet, go over to EdenFantasys and take a look around. They have a large selection of them and the information to go with the purchase.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

>Exhaustion

>My day today has been fairly boring and relaxed. My grandparents and cousins GF ..who we’ll call Elle are coming over tomorrow. So today I did the usual big straightening up. I vacuumed and washed floors and such. And I’ll probably vacuum again tomorrow. I normally do it every day but I stopped for a while. Two pets kind of demands that you do it everyday or you sit somewhere and become Chewbacca (That right there? Brought to you by Caels nerdery seeping over)everything gets so covered. Even doing it every day it can happen.  The house is always clean but with two guys in it as well as two pets… things get left places they shouldn’t.  That is one thing I am looking forward to when I move. I know Cael leaves things around sometimes but picking his stuff up and moving it wont piss me off, moving theirs does.

Other than that I spent some time at my grandmothers. I’ve been avoiding it lately because of the picking but I had two issues. 1. A wire in my bra came right out in the wash and I needed her sewing machine, especially since I couldn’t find my thread and 2. I need to pick up another french onion soup bowl… She had given me three of them because  up until now my brother hadn’t liked it. Now that he’s 16 and resembles a walking stomach he wants it. The ones I have are solid colors with little circles on them. I was going to grab the white ones with little kids playing on them because they’re the ones I always got when I ate over there when I was little. It didn’t matter what it was I just wanted the bowl. But, then I thought about the mocking that would ensue when Cael seen them and decided to stick with the ones I had.

I also had some toys show up for review today. I did a few shots of them while I could. Nobody but me is home so I can have dildos sitting on the kitchen table :D . Another point for moving. So, this has been my view for a good portion of the day :

I’m mid review thus the toys. But would you look? Look at that caramelly latte goodness! And yes, I do enjoy my M&Ms cup.

I’ve also been contemplating making some more homemade salsa. There are more and better peppers out right now so I think it would be a good thing. And more peppers is good. Spicier peppers is good. I love spicy. I’m all excited about my salsa now. Hear that Sephi? MY salsa.

We found out today that Cael has his old job. He doesn’t have to go up north now, they missed him :D I’m very happy. Other than this means getting up at 6 in the morning again. But truth be told.. I do enjoy it even if I hate waking up early. I like when he wakes me up. Don’t tell him that though.

>Brain Wave

>The last two or three posts I’ve had awesome ideas. I’ve come up with something to write about and just before I go to write them something happens or I just completely forget what I was going to write about. I know at least once I had 3 or 4 ideas. Lucky for you all you’ll probably be getting more posts for the next while so my ideas wont have time to disappear.

Cael was laid off a couple weeks ago and hasn’t been working. Until now. Next week he leaves to go up north for work. The way it works is he goes in for two weeks and comes out for one. Which compared to others isn’t bad. I know people that go in for months. Hell, my own dad goes in for the entire winter and I’m fine with it.

He’ll be doing night work…which means even if his cell does work up there (chances of it working are good. My dad has gone further north and had it work) there won’t be a lot of talking. For two weeks at a time.  I don’t think we’ve gone that long without talking in the whole 5 years we’ve known each other. So, we’re pretty much limited to emails and facebook. Of course, if he can text and does so at 3 in the morning we all know I’m going to answer and be ecstatic about it because I’m just that Cael dependent.  So, it is good there will be SOME contact, but it’s going to be hard and it’s going to suck in so many ways that I don’t think I need to explain.

There are so many things I ask permission for or run by him to get his reaction during the day…and I gauge what I do by that right now without rules. Now, it’s me and the brain worm trying to figure out the twistyness that is Cael. That doesn’t really worry me though. I know what he expects of me. What’s worrying me is he wont want to email or text whatever it is he can do…which I know is stupid but it’s still there. I know it’s not true.. but its one of those days where those evil little squiggles of stupidity take hold. I think part of it is I know I’m going to miss him. I get antsy when he goes away for the weekend. Two weeks is a long time for me. I’ll be fine, but it still sucks. I know he wants me up with him, living with him. We talked about it recently because he’s moving to a new place soon. And a few months of going back and forth between here and there and I’ll be moving. So this little stupid squiggle? Totally unjustified and probably more related to me going to miss him…and being late on taking my birth control pill. (They really seem to be screwing with my hormones lately. It’s a joy.)

I’ve been teary eyed or crying a bit the whole time I wrote this because I kind of already miss him..if that makes any sense. And yes, I do have that 3 year old feeling of “I want my master!” Shudap.