>Oh Purolater

>I was hoping… REALLY hoping that I’d have my new vibrator today. Not that my collection is small by any means… at last count I had 10 vibrators of varying sizes and function.. some better than others. Along with silicone and glass dildos and the odd clit toy.  But..orgasms still elude me lately. And really, to be honest there are several toys that I’m thoroughly unimpressed with and I was looking forward to having a new toy that I could love on. Oh well, hopefully tomorrow!

>I Just Don’t Know

>I’m writing about this once. one time and that’s all because I’m not sure I can handle writing it again.

As you all know Cael has been taking time to himself. The last year has been one huge horrible thing after another, some I’ve shared but most of it I haven’t because it’s private either between him and I or for him and I wouldn’t and will not share those things. However, Cael has decided for various reasons that I agree with to check out for a while. He’s checked himself into a hospital where he’ll stay until he’s doing better and able to be himself and function well again.  The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m not sure how much I’m going to feel like writing. It may be sporadic until he returns.

And to answer the question I know I’m going to get :

No, we are not broken up. He’s just taking time away to get himself together. I was his yesterday when he told me. Today when he’s gone, and I will be his when he returns. All he said was that he can’t claim me as his when he isn’t even his right now, but I remain his and with him. I will not be leaving him even though he gave me the option of it. I’m staying and I’ll support his decision to take time away. Yes, it will be hard. Some days it’ll be really, really hard but he is worth and we are worth it. It’s scary, but I’m trusting him and everything I know of him and what he’s told me in the past. 

I’ve had people tell me to walk away… but I don’t want to, ever. In an email kitten sent me.. she really solidified my thinking with the way I am with him. She gets it because she has the same connection with her master… it’s strong and it’s deep and it’s consuming. But it’s amazing and it’s something I wouldn’t trade for the world and I don’t care what anybody else says. I’ve had people tell me to leave because he’s gone right now… you don’t walk away from the person you love (I’m not using luff there!) when things get hard and complicated for them. That’s not love, love doesn’t dissolve because of bad things, it’s what pulls you through to the other side together. 

I’m not going to lie, when he told me I was a hot fucking mess and I have no doubt that I’ll have days where I will be again. It’s natural, especially since neither one of us is sure how long he’ll be gone..which is part of why he gave me the out.. but I don’t want it.

I’m his and I am staying that way, it’s what I want more than anything else.

But this is hard, and I’m not sure how much I’m going to want to write.. it could be a lot or very little. I didn’t want to just up and disappear though. I’m still here, still around. Still his.

>Twisty

>How to tell I’m spiraling down a bit? I no longer use pet names for Cael. I get upset and it’s either his real name or master.  It’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him and it’s hard. I totally understand what he’s going through and that he needs space and this isn’t something he’s doing intentionally but gods I miss him :’( I understand that because of personal issues the way he reacts sometimes isn’t really in his control, and I’m learning and processing it and have accepted it. I miss him though, and it’s hard being without him like this, he’s mine. And so, I leave him alone the best I can, asking him to claim me when I start to spiral because it levels me..comforts me.  I become totally uncunted when he’s away. Not only that but my cunt revolts and disowns me -.- 

>Then Again,

>Maybe not.

I was going to make another post today since the last one wasn’t really a post.. more a run down of what was happening in my head. But, I’m having an up and down day. I go between being happy and smiley and all content and feeling owned even though he’s away right now and tearing up with a “god I miss him!” feeling. I be fucked.

>Fluff & Stuff or Up Yours!

>Dear Body,

I know you, I know you very well. I realize that I am upset and missing Cael and that it affects the way you respond. However, it has been several weeks since you’ve given me an orgasm and not for lack of trying. I’ve spent over an hour sometimes trying and nothing. Not even a glimmer of it. Normally it’s under 20 minutes … now I’m over an hour and nothing happens. I know its an emotional and physical response to missing him and not having him around but I’d REALLY like an orgasm.

Yours forever,

Serene

Dear Serene,

Suck it the fuck up. It ain’t happening. I don’t know if YOU have noticed but uhm.. we don’t orgasm if Cael isn’t around. Hell, even when he is if you aren’t thinking about him it takes longer. Really though, remember when he was mad and disappointed with us? Do you remember how we didn’t orgasm for months until he made us? Haven’t you noticed that? Come on now, it’s only logical that it wouldn’t happen when we miss him so. So, keep trying, 2 or 3 hour masturbation sessions if you really want to. You aren’t getting anything.  The issue here? I am no longer yours. Sure you feed me and have control of how I move but I am no longer your body. I belong elsewhere and until he comes back and evens us back out I downright refuse to orgasm.

Up yours,

His forever,

Your body.

>Well,

>Well, I could sit here and type a post about the new cuffs, or the toys I have coming for review. I could talk about how Cael is still needing space to get back to himself and how I miss him so much I actually physically ache some moments. I could do a post on how much I luff that man and how much I value him. I could do a post on the things I talked about with Sephi’s master the other night. Or, I could write a post about all the negative comments I’ve gotten from people lately that’s made me  see a lot more than I did before, and despite some of their best efforts has not changed my opinion on how I function, live my life with Cael, and Cael in general but you can bet your ass it changed my opinion of them irreversibly. Instant way to piss me off? Attack me, my relationship or my owner -.-  Some of them hadn’t seen me angry, they now have. Others I just listened and dismissed.

I could write about a lot of things. But you know what? I don’t need to upset myself. I am happy and content and loved and valued with Cael. He is where I belong, and who I belong with and people striking out in jealousy and ignorance is not going to affect that.

So, instead of delving into my head I am going to go take a nice bath, write my nightly email to Cael, perhaps reply to Kitten, and go to bed because in the end the others aren’t worth it. He is who I “luff” (gods do I hate that word!) and who I want to be with, he makes me feel safe… they make me feel nothing but irritation at their ignorance. And that? Only comes because at one point they WERE my friends.

>Pleasure Ripples

>A while ago Good vibes was kind enough to send me a dildo to review. I can honestly say that I was VERY thorough with this review. I spent more time reviewing this product than I have with any other I’ve been sent. Why? Well, because this is definitely worth it.

When I opened the shipping box I was greeted with a very large blister package containing the Rippler. It was intimidating, and I don’t mean the packaging. The dildo is 7 ΒΌ inches long, 1 5/8 inches – 1 7/8 inches in diameter. Essentially? It’s fucking huge! I can barely wrap my hand around the base of this toy. The “ripples” carry all the way around the toy and while they look rather blunt in the picture they aren’t at all. They’re rounded and actually flow fairly naturally with the toy.

The ridges do not make it hard to enjoy the toy. I’ve owned other toys with the spiraling around the shaft and I’ve always found it more distracting than anything else. I think because the toy is such a large size to begin with that you feel more size than anything else. The ridges are felt, but they aren’t drastic and irritating. I actually love this dildo. In the month or so that I’ve had it it has gotten a lot of use. Even with the use and the cleaning the toy is holding up really well, and I haven’t noticed any issues with it yet. Another great point? It’s silicone and comes in 3 colours… I have the green. It’s gorgeous.

Now that I’ve told you about the toy I’ll tell you about its use. Thing with this sex toy is it is large… it needs warm up. For me, if there is no warm up I don’t stretch or hurt upon insertion. It just will not insert. I’ll get maybe an inch in and my body laughs and clamps down not letting it in further. If I play a bit and warm up to it I can take about half of the toy in comfortably. To take the whole thing? I need to be at least 3 orgasms in and be very well lubricated naturally or otherwise. So, this toy is most definitely not a beginners toy. But you know what? I love its size. It seems to be the width of this toy that gives me the orgasms. So, if you like that stretching, amazingly warm and delicious full feeling? GO GET THIS TOY.

Oh… I did find a down side to this toy. … it doesn’t fit in anything. Not one single toy bag I have found will fit this thing. So, for now? It’s sitting on a shelf in my closet with my coffee mugs. What? That’s normal :) It’s a pretty colour it fits right in there…like a huge ass tree among shrubs !

>"You can wait forever for perfect conditions or you can make the best of what you have now"

>I didn’t hear from Cael this weekend which sucks, but I’m doing okay. I finally realized part of why him being quiet bothers me so much. He’s home. When he’s quiet as far as I’m concerned he’s gone. All we have is words right now, I can’t just go curl up in his bed, or look over at him when he’s being quiet and needing space. He’s absent in every way right now when he goes silent. So, I miss him, and I miss that feeling of home… of being comfortable that he gives me. And ya know… I’m kind of attached to him, almost two weeks of not being able to talk is enough to really make me miss him.

Though I have to say that the time apart has taught me some things. 1. He’s not going anywhere. I’m not saying I’m not going to worry now and then but I’ve learned that just because things are hectic in his life doesn’t mean he’s going to ditch me. I’ve never really known anything else so I’ve come to just expect it. Several times now he’s had things going on and hasn’t gone anywhere. Yet another reason that I luff him and appreciate him more than he’ll ever know. .. on top of all the other reasons. 2. He’s tied into my self esteem, and largely tied into my emotions. 3. I’m owned. I’ve been looking for a job for months now. I need a full time job with good benefits or there is no point in me taking it. With my medications once I’m taken off the benefit plan I’m on..which I will be if I take a job …it could actually end up COSTING me money to work if I only have a part time job right now depending on the pay. I found one that I may have been able to swing a few days ago. I read up on it, the pay was good, it was part time but I might have been okay. I couldn’t apply for it. I froze. All I could think was “I have to talk to Cael” and totally dismissed the idea until I could. It didn’t even phase me that  I thought that way. It was just normal.

And now? I’m off to find something to do.