>*Breathes out*

>So, long story short Cael is back.

We spent two days talking back and forth and just from that I can see the changes in him. If this is what therapy does for him and he keeps things moving forward like this then we’ll be fine. If not..I refuse to go backwards. I just wont do it.

I’m not going into details because some of them are really personal. To sum up… he essentially gave me everything I’ve been asking for for over a year.. and I’m pretty sure there was a silver platter to go with it as well. We’re starting over in most regards. A clean slate for the most part. I think having over a month apart actually helped. He straightened his head around and I was able to let go of a lot of hurts. So far so good. I’m a lot more relaxed this time.. not as tightly strung and worried. I think part of it is he came back to me.. HE wanted ME back. And everything is now monogamous. My insecurity there has been totally wiped out which in the long run will help us.

I know there are a lot of my friends that think I’m an idiot for going back. I can live with that. I know I can survive without him now. I know if things get bad again I can leave if I have to. I also know a good portion of my friends don’t give a shit and still think I’m an idiot.. again.. I can live with it. Not their choice. I know I’d regret it if I had told him no, I’d always wonder. I really hope it works out, I really hope I don’t regret going back. He sounds like himself again, he sounds like my Cael.

We’re not doing the BDSM thing for a while. On my part because he needs to build the trust back up, and on his because he’s still sorting things out for himself. But.. it’s nice. He told me he loved me. He never has before. He’s making an effort, and trying. I’m actually proud of him for the effort he’s putting into Us and into himself.

>Shleep

>I haven’t forgotten your March questions. I will answer the ones I have left tomorrow, so if you have any send them in! 

And yes, I will answer the Cael question tomorrow. You guys are on your shit.

For now though? I’m going to bed. I didn’t sleep much last night for obvious reasons.

>Men.

>So, Cael messaged me tonight. I haven’t talked to him since he blew up at me. He apologized, a lot and took the blame for things and told me he misses me and wants me to come back even if it’s just as a friend.

I’ve been thinking. Lets face it, I’ve done nothing but think since I opened the email. I almost deleted it without opening it too. He’s email has been sending me spam. I assumed it was all the same. Something made me open it though.

I think I know what I’m going to do but I’m not entirely sure yet. I told him I needed some time to process it all and he said take all the time I needed. So I am.

And that’s where I am right now. Taking my time and thinking. Processing. Dissecting my gut reaction, and the reaction I had after some thinking. Two different reactions. I’m getting in the tub, and either thinking some more or just spacing out.

Calgon Take Me Away?

>Post.

>I know I’m supposed to be posting everyday… but guys… I really don;t have anything to say. I went grocery shopping today… and I dropped several things in the store. None of them broke open thank gods. Then I came home and dropped several things here. Nothing broken again. I got new nail polish.. it’s called Caribbean Frost. Just lately I’ve gotten back into nail polish. It makes me happy, the colors make me happy. I’ve also started wearing make up again. Not every day because I just don’t have the patience for that, but more than I used to.

See? Nothing. I am really starting to feel insanely boring. Thanks blog.

>Coming Home

>Today was spent partly at my grandmothers and partly at home.

While at my grandmothers I spent some time with family that lives a few hours away. Again, I was reminded of why I’m totally happy not going to family events. As it is I refused to go to a wedding tomorrow. The cousin getting married is an absolute asshat and I refuse to spend any time with him. His sister is alright.. acts like she’s 15 when she’s 30 but she’s nice enough. Her daughter irritates the shit out of me. She’s 12 and she’s one of those kids you just want to clock and knock them on their ass.

While I was there the cousin I don’t like showed up and tried intimidating my dog. My whole thought on that is pretty clear. Fuck. That. Shit. She’s MY dog.. and just because he feels the need to be “dominant” to everything and everybody in the room isn’t my problem. She doesn’t like him.. he pushes it and I step in the middle of his shit pile every time and piss him off. He’s determined that he’s not intimidated by any woman, and will always be dominant. Fuck that. He can’t even top a dog. I’m waiting. Waiting for the perfect time to rain all the fuck over his parade, and gods will I enjoy it. He pisses me off. He’s a born again christian who thinks women should be seen not heard, should be dominated and kept in their place. Not the kind of attitude you want to be flying around my family. BELIEVE ME.  Very dominant women in my family. I’m submissive to who I’m with because I enjoy it. In general though.. not at all. I think we can all agree that when the time comes I’ll enjoy very much shoving that “place” I’m supposed to be in right up his ass. The prig that he is.

Ahem.

So then I came home :)

And I curled up in my sweats and listened to audio books and just.. relaxed. I’m excited, a friend of mine is moving back to where I am. She moved a province away about a year ago and I have missed her like fucking hell. She’s also had a baby I’m already in love with. I can’t wait for her to get here. Can’t wait to have somebody to spend time with again. Somebody that I’m comfortable with. Love the girl. 

>Picture Update

>I thought every now and then I’ll do a picture post. I always love coming across them in my favorite blogs so I thought I’d try it. As a coincidence I have absolutely nothing to blog about today :)

My dinner last night. A stir fry of random things I had in the fridge and cupboard, and was surprisingly good. Yet another reason I am tempted to start a food blog. 

My currently brewing tea in the late afternoon light.  My OCD is showing. The spots on the glass are bugging. I washed it before I filled it with tea. :)

>A Gay Little Spring Song

>

Well, it is officially Spring. A time for new things.. new life, new growth, fertility, time to reconnect with the outdoors.  Time even for a change of Deities. Go googling.. just beware that you may lose hours of time. I always do.

This year I’m actually excited to be outside for the first time in a long, long time. I feel more comfortable.. free. It’s.. awesome. I used to love spending time outside, the last little bit I really disconnected. Spent time outside for a bit but would rather be inside. Right now I’m already longing to be outside in the sun, near the river on my families land. I’m just ready.

I even smiled at the squealing children outside today. All last year and the year before that I hated listening to all of the kids in summer. I’m not saying they wont irritate the hell out of me in a month but right now.. it makes me smile.

I’m just content. So, I’m oddly happy to welcome spring, and Freya back among us. Tomorrow morning I plan to brew some tea and sit out on the deck. I am embracing my pagan ways and mixing them with my farm girl and tom boy tendencies.