>The First Step

>…is admitting you have a problem.

My name is Serene and I am a Bath and Body product addict. Unfortunately there are no 12 steps here. Just 35 more things you want to buy. I’m sure by now you know that I get gift cards in exchange for these posts. (If not and you want to join the program and have a blog feel free to shoot me an email and I’ll get you in touch with the girl that runs it. You’ll like her, promise!) So what do I do with those gift cards?

Well, for a while I’d spend hours pouring over the EdenFantasys site looking at all the sex toys. I’d get a couple things. Generally lower ended things to make the gift cards stretch more. In my first package I got a few vibes that I rarely use anymore, and the Emigi which I absolutely love and use quite often. The next few packages were around the same quality.

Now though, whole different story. I’ve learned what I like as far as vibrators go. I know that I get what I pay for as well. There are some awesome cheaper vibes, but after a year of having little brown boxes show up on my door step and in the mail…I’ve become a toy snob. I prefer silicone if I can possibly get it and if I can’t 9 times out of 10 I wont get the toy unless it’s one I’m lusting at unbelievably hard. I’ve found I have an affinity for glass, and metal toys. I also prefer rechargeable over batteries. However, I have jelly toys, some pvc, some rubber.. all good toys. Most of them take batteries too. I’ve spent a year learning what I like, what I prefer and what works for my body. So that’s one thing EF has done for me.

The other? They’ve aided my addiction. Sure, they have sex toys. It’s a sex shop, there will be vibrators, anal plugs and bondage toys. But, they also have makeup, and lotion, and bubble bath, and body scrub, and bath salts and body wash and body balms. My last.. oh.. three orders….possibly more…they haven’t contained a single toy. Not. One.

I’ve gotten one or two books.. the rest have been bath and lotion products. I told Cael I had a bath addiction. He said he’d put up a few floating shelves when I move. Poor guy. Deluded guy… definitely not comprehending. After spending a week there I came to the conclusion that I don’t need shelves. I need a whole other bathroom. I have several bottles of the Dona bath products sitting in my book case right now. I also have a bunch of bath salts and about 15 different kinds of lotion. I’ve also started stock piling. Only one item though. In ever order I had put in, in the last two months I have gotten my Kama Sutra Bath Salts because they are amazing and I went YEARS without being able to find them until I stumbled across Eden. I have two jars sitting on my shelf I haven’t even opened yet. And recently? They started carrying the EOS brand. Right now I just have one sphere of lip balm. I think we all know this wont last long.

So, not only is Eden aiding my hoarding but they’re requiring Cael to build things which lets face it.. with the way I like watching him can only be good for our sex life. EdenFantasys? They rock. Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

>Post In Abstract

>I’m going to ramble.. in abstract. I need to ramble about what happened with Cael, but I’m still not ready or wanting to post about what happened.. so I am rambling in abstract. Feel free to skip this post.

I, am not over it. At all. I can understand why it happened. Logically, I get it. But that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. Normally, we might have been on some kind of mend by now but we aren’t.. because we can barely talk. His phone isn’t working properly so we’re reduced to emails. I haven’t gotten an email since Thursday night. This isn’t helping it. I understand that he gets busy, but it still isn’t helping it. That gouge in me, in us.. it needs fixed. It needs repaired. It needs attention and love and reassurance and planning so that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not the kind of gouge that repairs easily. It’s the kind that kicks the shit out of the trust that we had just started rebuilding. It’s the kind that makes me scared for us. It’s the kind that makes me want to nail his foot to the floor so we can talk and make for damn sure this doesn’t happen again, but it can be prevented if we put effort into it. It’s the kind that when he told me, quite honestly made me question if I was staying, the kind that made me want to rip his face off and castrate him with a dull butter knife. While that anger has dissipated, the hurt hasn’t. The fear hasn’t. This is why I want him here, to not only work it out but to start fixing it so it doesn’t happen again. And, to start fixing me because I am not okay. I need some time put in to be okay. Some reassurance.. and a couple guarantees. Just him around.

I’m ending this here because I accidentally deleted the entire thing once already and had to get help from a friend to get it back. Don’t need to do it again.

>Rough

>I am having a really, really hard time transitioning from being at Caels to being back at home. The slip up he had hasn’t helped (which no I haven’t specified what it was and I probably wont here.) I’m sure so it may not be as bad next time. But it upset me. I’m still upset. I understand it, but it still hurt a lot. Still made me angry and cry. It’s not going to be easy going through things together but being together is worth it.

His phone is fucking up so we can’t talk like we normally do at night.. that’s not helping either. I just… miss him. But it’s not that simple either. I miss the smell of his apartment, the scent of him in the bed, blankets and couch. The scent of the wood burning fireplace. His body wash after he showers. I miss watching him get dressed, and undressed. I miss watching him crawl up the bed to me. I miss feeling him move in the bed, being able to reach over touch him, having him reach for me in the middle of the night. I miss being able to play with his body hair whether it’s in bed or on the couch. I’ve adjusted to his schedule.. I wake up at 5 every morning.. I miss rolling over and snuggling up to him, pressing close so I breathe him in. I miss listening to him snore and chuckle in his sleep. It lulled me into sleep every night almost instantly… I’m back to not sleeping again. I even miss the clothes on the floor, the beard clippings on the counters and his cluttered coffee table. I miss watching movies and shows with him and having him tell me obscure facts about them.

Like I said, I am having a really hard time adjusting to being home. I bawled the entire time I wrote this. I was totally fine being alone all day and having him at night. I honestly don’t care if I go up there and he works all week and is busy most of the weekend with club stuff and whatever…I’m happy with my nights with him. I was told what I’m having is sub drop. Which in part it may be. There wasn’t play but there was definite submissive feelings. I felt.. right… good.. okay. I haven’t had near the body issues since I got home from seeing him than I did when I went up. He makes me feel good.. wanted. I miss that. A lot.

I’m sure I’m taking this harder this time because of the drama we’ve had all week, and pms but either way… it’s rough. In fact, I’m off to go curl up in bed and cry some more. Because I’m a wuss, and a suck.

>Blah.

>I know I owe a post about being at Caels. And it will get up there. The only reason I’m posting now is because I’ve had a couple emails asking about it. The last couple days have kind of sucked. He and I have been working through some stuff, rather unpleasant stuff at that and I just wasn’t ready to post about him while we were going through that. We still are to a degree, and it’s going to take a while to get things back to normal but I will make the post. Right now, I just don’t have the energy. It’s been a draining few days. But we finally got to talk today.. at least for a bit. I’m not sure if he fell asleep or if my internet isn’t sending the emails anymore since it’s being a bitch at the moment (I’ve reset it several times and it still keeps dropping off and programs keep malfunctioning). But either way it’s better than it was for both of us. Now, I am off to scavenge for dinner and go to bed.

>Not Just For Dirty Balloons

>I know everybody knows the brand Trojan for their condoms. But, did you know that they make sex toys as well?

Recently Goodvibes.com was awesome enough to send me the Trojan Midnight Collection Torsion Vibrator. First of all, I absolutely love the color of this. It’s a gorgeous deep purple. The color alone attracted me to it. Secondly, it is a multi – position vibrator. All you have to do is give the shaft of the toy a slight twist and it changes positions side to side. I found this usefull in two ways. 1. You can stimulate the walls of your vagina amazingly well being able to turn it. If you enjoy the left side of your vagina stimulated.. you can have it easily without having to jab at it.. same with the right. 2. It’s great for partner play. Depending how you’re laying the toy can be adjusted to be comfortable for your partner to hold.

Speaking of the handle, it’s made of plastic. Standard ABS, which to me feels a little cheap but it is just a handle so what does it matter? Nothing that’s what. The shaft of the toy is made of silicone so it’s body safe. While the toy is fairly long it does have a bit of a curve to it and only about 5 inches of the toy are actually insertable.

For use..this toy was average. It has nice deep, strong vibrations and 5 speeds and I believe 3 patterns. I really, really wanted this toy to wow me. It’s gorgeous. However, while I did orgasm, while it was enjoyable it’s not one of those toys that’s going to make me want to toss every other piece I have. It is a standard vibrator, however if you are a fan of Trojan, give it a try. It is absolutely worth it. I think part of the lack of wow in this toy is Trojan itself is a big brand and while they are just starting to get into the big sex toy pieces I was expecting more. It’s a good toy, a pleasurable toy, just didn’t give me that wow factor I was expecting from it.

However, as an added bonus it comes with batteries and a storage pouch which is a lot more than most toys come with.

Thank you to Goodvibes for allowing me to review this gorgeous toy!

>Question

>Now, I will post about my visit at Caels and the aftermath there of in a day or so. However, I was sent this question this morning and I thought I’d answer it quickly.  Since the question itself has a lot of personal info in I’m going to paraphrase :

“Serene, my boyfriend watches a lot of porn and it really bothers me. How do I deal with this, have you had to deal with guys watching it?” 

She goes on to say that she isn’t a prude, and that she is open minded she just doesn’t like porn. It bothers her.

Well. I got nothin’.

I’ve never had that porn hang up. I’ve always just sort of accepted it. I watch it on occasion.. not a lot but it does happen.

Now as far as guys watching it.. yeah. *Looks at Cael and starts laughing.*  *Has entire giggle fit, snorts and falls out of chair.* Cael watches a lot of it.. he downloads a lot of it. When I was up there the internet kicked me off so I went to check his computer to see if it still had internet (Shup! I had permission) and it did.. it also had his download screen up and it was full of porn. *shrugs* I know he watches it, and I’m totally fine with it. I know it’s not a cheating thing for him, it’s an aid.. just like my vibrators. I didn’t get upset.. I don’t even think I mentioned it because it didn’t phase me. I mean I was impressed by the sheer volume considering I know he already has A LOT of it to begin with but that was it.

All I can say it try watching it with him and turn it into a couples thing now and then and you may loosen up over it. I know that when I move he’ll watch porn when I’m home with him. I know he’ll do it when I leave too. Hell, he may do it 3 feet from me while I’m on the phone.. as long as the person on the other end of the phone doesn’t hear it I honestly don’t care. If anything I’d get excited by it. Assuming it’s that he watches it at all that bothers you not that you’re offended by it or don’t like watching it, just give it time. If you don’t like watching it.. well.. don’t. As long as he’s not picking the porn over you, or spending 12 hours a day watching it then just brush it off as normal. All guys have some form of porn.. whether it’s erotic fiction, porn mags, videos, cartoons, pictures, paintings, etc. Or just tell him that you’re not comfortable with it and go from there. Talk to him. Talking usually helps things, but only if you’re talking to the person you have the issue with.

>*headdesk*

>That about sums yesterday up. Odd things happened. I got upset. I talked to Cael, and because of the nature of the odd things I stayed upset.

Then of course being me, by the time he came home from his meetings I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I wanted to move on.. instead of saying that I worded it in a way that made it seem like I didn’t trust him and what he said had no bearing on the decision to move on. Which wasn’t true, at all. Why didn’t I just say that I was dropping it? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I was not at my finest yesterday at all. I was sick that morning. I didn’t eat much because of said sick then on top of that was all of the emotions that were dredged up.

I apologized when we went to bed and he said I didn’t have to. I still feel like crap.. both emotionally because I hate it when he’s upset with me, and physically. I was so out of it last night, preoccupied with him being upset with me I actually went to bed with my bra on and didn’t notice until this morning. I also made sure I gave him lots of room if only because I couldn’t stand hearing him tell me not to touch him because he was upset. Though at some point in the night I must have because I woke with my arm against him.

It feels wrong not touching him. I still feel sick. And quite honestly my eyes are puffy as hell from crying last night after we went to bed.

I really need a hug..and a nap, clearly didn’t sleep much.

>Day 2

>Day 2 as in the second day I’m at Caels alone while he’s at work. I’ve been here since Saturday actually. I’ve lost my point.

So, it is the second day of being here by myself and I realized something. When we have a kid (Which according to him there will be at least two and he gets to name them. I on the other hand have decided he is never naming anything we ever have be it a child or a pet. One of us will win out.. I wonder who it will be -.- ) and said kid goes off to school, if I stay home.. we are going to need a pet.

At home I walk around all day talking to myself, making myself laugh. I find me hilarious. Here? Here if I do it I’m just the crazy lady on the top floor. The difference? Pets. They clearly make talking to yourself okay. You don’t need medication for that. You need a dog. Because technically.. they listen. Even the right cat will listen. Mine does. She follows me around the house meowing back as I talk. That is a helpful cat! The dog generally doesn’t say much unless I piss her off then I get murmurs. She does however arch her eyebrows and tilt her head as I talk so she is listening. Therefore it is okay.

I think we can conclude that I kind of miss my animals. However, that is going to be nothing compared to the amount I’m going to miss being around Cael. I like my cuddles. A lot. I’m also going to miss the snoring. I haven’t had one sleepless night here. I do at home all the time. I’ll lay in my bed until 3 or 4 in the morning some days trying to sleep. I quite honestly don’t think I’ve seen 11pm here. Maybe I feel more comfortable..safer..happier.. I don’t know. For all I know it could be the snoring and just knowing that he’s there in which case I’m fucked. Which is nicely ironic considering I haven’t been.

I did some cleaning yesterday. I’m trying not to overstep anything so I just did the floors and dishes. I know he’s not used to having a gf up here, I’m trying to let him adjust to me. Shadup Sephi, it can be done!  On that same note I’m trying to let him come to me for things when he’s ready for them, not wanting to push him. I take cuddles when I want them but that’s it. It’s not the easiest thing but I understand it. I want the hugs and the kisses and the random touches, I want them a lot. But I know they’ll come when he’s ready. I just have to wait, and take comfort in the cuddles that I do get, and when runs his fingers along my arm when we are cuddling, and the odd time that he reaches for me or sits beside me and moves his arm so that I can cuddle up to him even if he doesn’t start it, and when he says he loves me.. even if he does choke half way through the sentence :) I’m finding other ways to be content, seeing other pieces of him that come up/out and let me know he’s happy I’m here. For instance he chuckles at me a lot, so if nothing else I’m amusement. The first morning I was here, I hadn’t really touched him yet. So, he touched me… he does want the attention and the touch and that helps. Listening to him get excited over stuff helps too. Books, movies, cooking.. it’s fucking adorable. I love it. I smile and laugh when he does it and it’s not because I find it funny or silly. I just can’t help it. I came up here expecting him to be…him and he is. I was just not expecting to find as much cute as I have.

As far as comfort level.. it’s pretty high up there. I didn’t do my usual hide behind make up thing that I tend to do. In fact I haven’t worn it since I’ve been here. It’s in my bag, just haven’t done it. I’m not hiding in my clothes, at all. I normally hide in my zip up or hoodie. I forgot my hoodie and only wore the zip up when we went out because it was cold. I still have a few shy moments and am still fairly quiet. But that will wear off. As will the “Holy shit” stun I had when I curled up to him the first time. His legs and arms? Yeah. They’re hard.. like solid muscle hard. Like.. my smartass ran and hid for a little bit because holy shit I’m never going to win anything. It’s slowly coming back on but my brat has found a hiding spot I still haven’t found. I had no doubt it will return.. it is me after all, but yeah. Sigh. Never gonna win. Which btw, he is totally okay with. Shocking isn’t it?

>So,

>I said I’d update and I am.

I’m here (at Cael’s, that is.) and I’m fine. Happy.

I’m currently sitting in his living room while he’s playing computer games in another room. Every time I hear him whistle I smile like an idiot.. if that’s any indication of how I’m feeling.

No? Well, I have others. I can’t stop watching him.. I’m sure it unnerves him but I can’t! I watch him cook, I watch him play games.. I just.. watch him. I like the way he moves, even minute little ones most people don’t think much about. I curled up today for quite a while with him while he played games. At one point I was laying in a way that made it so that all I could see were his hands.. and I was totally content with that. And yes, I do realize I sound insane. I’ve also been watching him walk.. I may or may not intentionally walk behind him to do so. He doesn’t walk. He marches, so distinctively in fact I knew it was him coming up the apartment stairs just by the sound of his boots and his step. Other people had walked up the stairs and I didn’t pause.. I stopped dead and looked at the door. 

It’s really a good thing I enjoy watching him because there is no sex this trip (For good reason, just personal reasons of his that I do agree with…even if I don’t like it. I’d like it a lot less if the reason for the no sex actually happened because of said sex. Logic. I have it.). Yes. I did pout. I pouted to the point he thought I may want to leave.*rolls eyes* He’d been teasing me before I came up, and sleeping next time him for a night and watching him walk around in his boxers (which by the way gape on occasion, I’ve swallowed more than a few whimpers. Some twisted part of me likes it though.) made for a bit of a pout. I wanted. Hell, I still want. But I am content with cuddles.

I’m actually a little surprised with how content with it I am. I mean, yes I do look at him and fight not to whimper. I’ve been soaked for two days now. He doesn’t even have to do anything, just be in the room.. be near me. That apparently is enough. With B.. and every guy before him I’d fool around, spend a few hours then be over it and not want them near me. With some I really liked them but was revolted by them when it came right down to it. The way they smell, the way they touch me, their breath both in their sleep and in the middle of the day when I’m close enough.. everything. Most definitely not the case with him. I can’t get close enough. Just the scent of him makes me purr..which I’m refusing to do out loud because it wouldn’t be fair but believe me.. whole internal purring dialogue. 

I’m content.. I’m content with him near me even without the sex. I love just listening to him. Stupidly enough, I like it to the point the entire time we were at my cousins I just listened to the sound of his voice.. I probably caught about half of what he said. I’m better now but I have to focus and take a minute to let it sink in before I respond. I’m sure I’m going to lose my wimmens card for this but I even like when he snores. *ducks glares* It’s oddly comforting, okay!

There’s definitely some stuff we have to work on and work towards but it’s so worth it. He’s worth it.

The only issue I’m having right now is the Master thing. We aren’t BDSM M/s based right now. I was fine until I got here. Now, my entire internal dialogue refers to him as Master. “Masters bed,” ” Masters leg,” ” No, we can’t grope master be content with thigh woman! ” So I have been very carefully not pet naming him just in case it comes out. Don’t need that. Apparently he just resonates with me that way still. At least on the inside. Still normal on the outside. *shrugs*

I’ve also learned something. A body spray I like and use quite regularly at home really does not like his bathroom flooring. I put it on after my shower and promptly almost face planted. It makes his floor like a skating rink. Guess who’s washing the floor tomorrow…

>Oy

>I’m going to Caels friday. Panic has set in… it set in instantly. My stomach is all churny. I actually feel pukey. That is how nervous I am. I’ll probably post when I’m there since I’ll be alone most of the day.. but right now.. I’m still all nerves.