>Toe Testing

>*Peeks cautiously out from behind the veil*

I’m doing a little better as far as the Cael thing goes. He and I have talked a few times and sorted ourselves so we’re comfortable with where we’re going I think. And where that is is him working on himself, me healing some hurts that occurred and rebuilding the friendship and the trust therein and building relationshippy things off of that. After he’s more in control of course. So it could be a while.

Which is absolutely fine. I planned on posting today but this is not the post I intended to make. I was sitting quietly in my room when my cell went off this morning. My doctor was phoning me personally (which lets face it, when a doctor phones instead of a nurse that cannot be a good sign) to set up an appointment to cut off a piece of my cervix to do a biopsy on. He told me it could just be an infection, it could be a rare side effect of the brand of birth control pills I use, or it could be cancer. Which he followed up with his very well rehearsed “Cancer is very unlikely,” speech. I’m pretty scared. I’ve engrossed myself in reading birth control info, and biopsy info and so on all afternoon. I talked to Sephi about it and she made me laugh, she all but refuses to talk about it seriously though. Which I get, making me laugh is a lot more helpful anyways I think. And I told Cael, of course. He says he’s not worried and bets I’m okay. I suspect it’s either his way of dealing or trying not to worry me.  And that right there? Ends the list of people I have told. Nobody knows but them because I don’t want anybody knowing. When I know for sure whats happening then, yeah. Otherwise.. I’m fine. Sephi makes me laugh and Cael makes me feel safe and ramble my fears at him. That’s enough for me. Apparently it will take a week to get the biopsy done and the results back, so I’m in limbo for a week though his nurse promised to phone right away when they get them.

In the meantime? I don’t know. A lot of distraction I think. Lady Di is coming over tomorrow, I’ve been building a deck and planting veggies and so on. More in detail post when my head isn’t all scrambly. Right now I’m off to go soak in the tub and read a dirty book because I can. On second thought just a normal book. My orgasms have been eluding me unless I put myself in a mindset I don’t care to be in so a dirty book? No. Plus I don’t know if any of you have had a piece taken out of your vagina (Which btw, they call a clipping…like I’m some sort of plant. They can place the clipping in water and grow a new Serene..or at least a new vagina. Which I may need at this point because this one is really pissing me off.) but it hurts, and it cramps. Oh my gods the cramps. Oh how I welcome a bath right now.

>Vacation

>I’m not going to be here for a little bit. Maybe a couple days, a week, a month. I don’t know. Cael and I are finished.. again. Once he gets himself sorted and under control he said he wants to try again, go slow and build things properly. It could be months, maybe years before he’s at that point. Right now we’re just friends. I need some time to adjust to that where I’m not feeling guilty for not writing here like I should. I have a couple posts scheduled and I may write sporadically when I need it.

I had written a whole post about how I’m feeling, how I’m doing, what’s happening. It sounded pathetic. And quite honestly no matter what I write here it’s not going to convey how deeply I’m feeling some of these things. I wish I could say I’m okay. But I’m just not.

>Fail

>Keeping busy has completely failed. Anything I try to do ends up either falling through, not materializing or I just don’t have the mental capacity to accomplish it right now and end up getting upset and pissed off.

I still haven’t heard from Cael and I seem to be straddling that thin line between being upset but still functioning and being a complete wreck. It’s hitting me really hard this time and I’m not sure. I think part of it may just be because things have be insane the last couple weeks and it’s just added on to that as well as the sub drop from having to come home and be without him physically. Having to be without him in every way just seems to be absolutely shit kicking me. For instance I’m bawling right now. I’m bawling at the drop of a fucking hat the last couple days. I’m easily irritated. Instantly bitchy when I wake up. My ability to focus is absolute shit, I forget what I’m doing one minute to the next and if it isn’t something easy that I pick up on the first time I try I get agitated and teary. I tried signing into an account and fucked up the log in or pass on it and it upset me. Just stupid stuff. Like I said, I’m not dealing so well with the silence this time.

I’m thinking too much, my mind is going dark places. If I was closer to my period I’d say it’s a case of monstrous PMS but I’m weeks from that. *shrug*  I’m just feeling off and I don’t even think all of it is Cael stuff. My mind is just going a mile a minute and none of it is good stuff. It doesn’t matter what topic I think about I’m twisting it. I’m in one of those curl up with a movie, a blanket and some cuddles moods. Which, brings us back to Cael. Sigh. Not only is my mind going dark but it’s working in circles. This mood.. I am over it.

>Busy

>The last couple of weeks have been rough ones. Things are still going/need dealing with. It’s just been exhausting quite honestly. Caels phone is done, he needs to buy a new one. I haven’t heard from him for a bit but I knew where he was this weekend and have an idea as to why he’s been quiet. Not sure though. *shrugs* It sucks, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now.

As such I’ve been keeping busy. I’ve been out to my grandmothers, I’ve cleaned, cooked and done a shit load of yard work. Turns out keeping oneself busy is not always easy. I am tired. I am sore. But as an added bonus I lost about 8 pounds in Edmonton and as such have dropped just over 40 pounds so far. My pants are baggy, my panties are a little loose and my shirts and too big for me. I went to put on my dress pants at Caels and they were baggy in places they never had been before. A good thing, but kinda sucky as well. I’m going to have to go shopping soon. I hate clothes shopping. Hate. It.