>Good Day

>Today was a good day. Cael and I talked and we finally got the social networking site figured out and opened up so I can see his page. Stupidly enough I feel a lot more secure now that it is. We also talked a bit about what I found on there and cleared some things up, which again is good.

Things with him have been going really well. It’s been nice. Of course, outside of him my world is making up for it. I have a suicidal friend with a little daughter, whose fiance just broke up with her. I have an aunt I love to bits that’s divorcing my  uncle. I have an 8 hour drive to get to a wedding to see a cousin I merely tolerate get married. I do like his wife though. And then as an added bonus I ended up in the ER last night with my breathing issues.

Tonight, I am going to bed early. 

>Skinny Dipping Assistance

>Today is a sad, sad day. Today I am reviewing the last piece of a care package I was sent by PinkCherry.ca I held out on review this item for a very specific reason: I wanted it to be warm outside. Why you ask? Well let me tell you.

This toy is technically a tub toy. It floats, and changes colors to light up the room and vibrates. Now, I’ve used this in the tub and it’s awesome. It gives off nice soft, romantic flattering light in alternating colors in pink, green, blue and a yellow-orange. This? Is the Luminescence floating mood light massager by Cal Exotics. The light bounces off the walls of the tub as well as the walls of the room so it creates a really calm affect. The vibrations of this toy are strong and constant and not too buzzy.

I did however notice that in a metal tub it reverberated the sound. A lot. In a plastic tub however it didn’t do that at all. So if noise is a factor for you, that’s something to consider.

Now, why did I wait for it to be warm? Baths can be taken any time of year right? Well. Yes. However, this thing? Would make a kick ass accomplice to skinny dipping in the pool at night. It would give you enough light to see your partner or what you’re doing and it’s an impromptu sex toy “IF” things take that turn.  I absolutely love the versatility of this toy! I actually have it tucked safely away just so that I can do the skinny dipping thing. So, go out and grab one of these  take over the pool tonight!

>Hormonal Nonesense

>Cael did something awesome today. He unblocked me on a social networking site. It had been bugging me for quite a while and things finally seem to be going well and I think he seen the necessity of it or at least seen how much it upset me. Of course most of the profile is empty and the part of me that’s still a little scared to trust him is eating at me wondering WHY he deleted it all. Why it looks so sparse.. is it really deleted or am I just set to only see certain things? And who is this girl one of his family members mentioned kissing him better? Is she who he says or is it or was it more and he just doesn’t want to tell me. Seriously. This is my mind when it goes inward and dark. Normally I don’t say anything but he and I are working really hard to rebuild trust and saying nothing would have been wrong. So I mentioned it and he said who she was and that he’d ask his family to lay off that a bit. But I don’t want to be that person ya know? We plan to be together for.. ever really. I don’t want to start out being that girl that couldn’t handle the family joke. I don’t know why but I do get jealous with him. I have NEVER been a jealous person, but I totally am with him. I react to him in ways I never thought possible for me. Both good and bad clearly. I have to work really hard to get my head out of that place. That place has been very, very rare lately. The better we do the more secure I am and the less grasp that mindset has on me. But, with everything that’s happened between him and I over the years it’s still there a bit. And I feel terrible for that because I know he’s been trying to so hard. This is why I think I need a bit of therapy. This can’t be normal. But of course at the same time the sane rational part of my mind is thinking that it’s good he deleted the posts as a redo because seeing them would have upset me. It also knows that he really has no reason to lie about this girl because we aren’t together right now and he’s never lied about girls before, even when he knew what he did would hurt me. He told me. Plus, if he plans on being with me like he says then the truth would come out anyways so why lie?  He also knows very well that chances are good at some point I’m going to get a glimpse of his social networking profile so customizing my settings would be really stupid and just  cause a fight later.

I’ve noticed that these moods get WAY worse during my period the last year or so. I think changing my BC method may be a good answer here as well as for my cervix issues. I think the hormone blend I’m on is starting to mess with me a bit. I always was a little more touchy on my period but never this much. Never this irrational. Definitely going to have to phone in and make a doctors appointment tomorrow. This post really has no point other than I needed to get this out of me and Cael has gone to bed. Which he does deserve and I left him to. He’s doing everything he can to make me feel secure and loved and wanted. And it’s definitely working. Damn this period bullshit -.-  It started last night.. the day before and will go until probably Sunday or Monday. If it wouldn’t throw me into early menopause I’d say gut it all but that would be even worse on us. So, until then I just tell him the truth and then apologize for being stupid. I promise I’ll get my pills and hormones sorted Daddy(Yes. Daddy. But that’s for another post :) ).

>’Splodey Loins

>As I mentioned Cael has been awesome lately. We ended up playing a bit the other night. I can’t help it. *hangs head* I can’t get enough of him. It’s like an addiction. The day after I expected not to hear from him. He had told me he would be busy so I assumed I wouldn’t hear from him until Sunday. He messaged me on his lunch break, and then all the way home and all the way to his meeting and then again after his meeting. This is something even three weeks ago wouldn’t have happened. (Of course he has been getting progressively better.) He messaged to check up on me.. make sure I was okay and didn’t have any regrets or was feeling off from what happened after having said no for so long. I told him I was feeling a little insecure and I told him why. He said he’d fix the issue I was having when he got home that night. Of course he didn’t because I’m sure he sat down and passed out but I know he’s going to fix it.. I don’t doubt it anymore. We also talked about how he’d been hot and cold on me for a long time. He hasn’t done it in quite a while excusing the silence we had for a bit that was for a good reason. He’s been really good actually. He’s even been telling me when he’ll be away or busy. This pretty much means the world to me. Being so far apart it’s the only way I know the difference between him being busy and not answering and something going really wrong so he’s not answering. The amount of effort he’s putting into this… how hard he’s trying.. it sounds really stupid but when I think about it or talk to him about it I actually tear up. It means THAT much.

I’m happy lately. I’ve had a couple people try to take me back down off that high and for the most part I understand why but it also bugs me. I know what he’s done in the past. So does he, believe me, I’ve told him what he’s done and how it upset me. He hasn’t once denied it or tried to defend himself. He knows he had problems, and that he hurt me with them and he’s trying to fix that and he’s apologized a lot. A lot of those hurts that were made are healing, getting less stingy. He’s become my safe spot again, and I found out the other day that I’m his. It’s reassuring and …right. I like that I’m where he goes when he’s upset. I love being that for him. He’s also told me that he wants me, and can’t stay away from me, all those feelings I have towards him he has them towards me. He’s never told me any of that before. I feel like I matter now, like I’m where I’m supposed to be. *shrugs* Just been a good week so far.

Speaking of a good week I had friends visiting the other day. I haven’t seen this friend in years and we spent a good time talking about her relationship with her fiance.  For as explosive as the relationship with Cael was he never directly set out to hurt me like her fiance is. He’s told her that he hates her, that he doesn’t love her anymore and is only there for their baby girl. He’s threatened to walk out, forced her to have her daughter when she said she wasn’t ready and then told her he wasn’t sure he wants her anymore, and then went as far as to tell her that if she is pregnant again like she suspects if she gets an abortion he’ll leave her… even though he doesn’t want the first child anymore and she’s not even able to support herself let alone a baby plus another on the way. I kinda wanna hurt him..  a lot. However, I had an awesome time with her around and playing with her baby. She asked me to be an aunt since she’s an only child. So I guess technically she’s my niece. That’s kinda cool. I’m excited about it. I love spending time with them. I’m definitely going to have to do some more of it.

Cael and I have talked about babies. Most recently when my cervix was having it’s moment. We both agreed it will be a long, long time before we have them and I’ll have a ring on my finger and we’ll be stable again before it happens. I refuse to sacrifice our relationship to have a baby. I always have. But.. after spending some time with my niece gods I want one! I’m hoping spending lots of time with her will erase that particular want. That’s totally plausible right?

>Water Works

>Last night I had one of those moments that completely overwhelmed me. One of those moments where you realize how much you love somebody, and how much they love you. I was not prepared for it. At all. I was talking to Cael and he was playing around as he tends to do, teasing me and baiting me trying to get me to engage his evil. Yes. He has one. Then out of nowhere he suddenly gets serious and tells me that he’s worried about me, and wants me to start doing better and so on. He explained why and that he knows I’ve been tense and stressed and not just about stuff with him. And quite honestly it floored me. He’d never done something like that before, yes he’d say he was sad when I was sick or frown when I was upset. But, he’s never picked up on something like this before I have and told me about it and made me see it and try to fix it. I’m sure it was there before but it was just never used, by the time we got there he’d withdrawn *shrugs* So, seeing that he really does know me that well, know me better than I know myself. Seeing that he really does care a lot, and love me and want to help me… it’s all kind of new…and extremely reassuring. We talked quite a bit about that and I ended up in tears. Both from that revelation and everything else he’d said to me earlier that day. He basically told me when we get back together and have that trust back he wants more control that he had last time, more structured control not just letting it flow like last time, essentially he wants his hand at my throat guiding me at all times. When we were together, I wanted that. I wanted that a lot, and I never told him that so that he’s wanting it now is… amazing and overwhelming. Part of me so relieved because I naturally respond like that with him. The other part of me is scared, that I’ll fail and not be good enough, that he’ll withdraw again because that’s what happened last time and this way will take a lot more effort and commitment from him (which by the way, we talked about and we’re good,) and quite honestly a little part of me is vaguely scared of him. Well, that’s not fair, I’m not scared of him. I just know his anger fully now, and that’s a lot of trust to put into somebodies hands that up until now I haven’t had to do. Part of the withdrawing was I was basically dominating myself for a long time, it’s … overwhelming. But at the same time, it’ll probably be easier to get there this time. I was at that point last time where I wanted under his boot all the time, but this time he’s a lot more involved with me.. more attentive and caring and I know beyond a doubt now that he loves me. I think that’ll help. It’s just been a really long time since not only we’ve had that kind of relationship but since I alone have. I want it but it’s worrisome and a little scary until you’re in it. It always is.

…but anyways, after we talked about me being stressed and I started crying he told me he wanted to hug me. I don’t think he’s ever said that to me. It meant a ridiculous amount to me. He’s getting better, and getting to be himself again. He’s getting to be that guy that I fell for years ago, not the closed off one I’ve had for over a year. It’s like everything is new again. I feel loved and cared for and safe. … and I’m crying again. It’s completely impossibly to explain the emotions.. the amount everything means. This is why I stayed. I knew somewhere in there was this guy. It feels safe, and beyond right. Even now when we aren’t really together, it feels a lot better than it ever did before. It feels wrong to be away from him, and wrong is a complete understatement but even with that it feels better. It’s like some little part of me that was holding her breath, can finally breathe again. He really is home. It may take months upon months for him to be stable enough to date again.. but that’s okay. I know where I stand with him and for the first time I’m not really worried about it. All that reassurance I needed before … I don’t really need it anymore because for the first time ever I know exactly how he feels because he’s finally telling me. There are totally some tense sticky points with him still, but I’m happy. I’m always happy when I’m talking to him, and when things are like this I stay happy even when he’s at work and can’t talk or has meetings. I’m more secure with him now even though we aren’t dating than I was when we were because he’s around more, he’s insanely attentive lately and just.. his usual self. I love it, and I love him pieces. That’s why I’m crying right now, yet again got smacked in the face with it. I suppose it’s better than having a penis do it. *ahem* Almost.

>*Sucks Front Teeth*

>Quite honestly that’s the kind of day I’m having. It’s just a lonely, bored, meh kind of day. Last night Lady Di came out and we had our movie night. It was fun, and we talked and it was just a nice break. We talked about going to a movie and dinner today but she ended up deciding to go out to her parents house to help build a deck or fence or something. So I’m hoping we can do it next weekend or even sometime during the week.  I also plan on doing a BBQ with her, her brother and her sister in law. They’re awesome and hilarious and it just seems like it would be a lot of fun.. and a good break. I’m into breaks from reality lately.

I went out and checked my garden yesterday. It is doing awesome considering I didn’t expect anything to grow. I have a ton of lettuce sprouting, some green onion grass/sprouts and even my cucumbers are starting to give me little leaves coming up through the dirt, not to mention my 13 tomato plants are all flowering. Yes. 13. Any other year I haven’t gotten a damn thing so I got that many thinking at least ONE of them should give me a single tomato (which would be more than I’ve ever gotten) Yeah. All flowering. Should be interesting. On top of the fact I have kittens in my garden. No really. I seen a little paw print a week or so ago in it and this morning I went out to water and seen a momma (one that was a stray and liked playing on our deck last year) that had two little grey kittens following her around. They’re living beside the neighbors garage. And no. I’m not telling them. As long as they leave my garden alone and don’t eat anything we can coexist peacefully. I have an animal soft spot, especially for strays so quite honestly if they picked on one plant and left the rest I’d be fine. And it does happen, it sounds weird but cats do eat veggies. Mine does. Freaks right out whenever I bring in herbs, celery or lettuce to the house. *shakes head*   Oh! Speaking of herbs I bought a little thing of basil. I’m going to need more but it was half price because the hail got it but it’s fine so I grabbed it while I could. The one stalk is fucking huge. I’m excited. I love veggies and herbs, it’s healthy and it gives me something to do.

I’m hoping to be able to finish the new deck off soon. It’s built but I plan to surround it with trees for a wind break, get some chairs and a propane fire pit (allergies) for down there.  I think reading down there would be ridiculously peaceful. I’ve spent most of my days lately sitting on the upper deck reading to begin with. I think I’ve gone through 7 or 8 books in just over a week. I also finally got some words down on the page for a story. First time in years I’ve actually had a start to a story.

>The One Where Hilarity Ensues

>The last few days have been uneventful really for the most part. I haven’t heard from Cael. I assume he’s busy. *shrugs* The man knows my number, both literally and figuratively. I’ve done a lot of reading, just.. essentially taking some down time so my mind stops racing and it has.

However, there is a point to this post. That point my favoritest pervs, is Lady Di. Lady Di was married to my uncle. As of Tuesday he decided they were done. Yeah. I am not impressed. He’s always had his head up his ass, but she seemed to have straightened him out and bit to the point he actually had his life going well for the first time in over 40 years. Well, he fucked up, and he fucked up huge. Instead of sticking around and dealing with it he has been dodging her. He decided to do her the favor of leaving while he sorted himself out.  But instead of going “Ya know, I fucked up. I need to clean my act up and fix this.” He went with “Gee, i fucked up and really don’t want to deal with it. So instead of manning up and dealing with my issues I’m going to run and hide and leave the only person that has ever believed in me, gone out of their way to help me, cared about me more than anybody else and invested themselves in me so I don’t have to change.” And yes, I realize that Cael has essentially done the same thing however Cael does still talk to me, he lets me know what he’s doing, how therapy is going and what all he’s doing to fix and control his issues. He removed his head from his ass, and seen the problems. My uncle? Not so much, it is so far up there it’s back out the other fucking side so he doesn’t see it. He did shit all on his own without a word to her so she was in the dark. Then things started not adding up when we’d all talk. But she stayed, she loves him even though he has screwed her over several ways. I’m a little pissed honestly. So as far as I’m concerned he can go ahead and divorce her. I’m losing an uncle, not an aunt which in all honesty was years coming. This was just the last straw. And this? Is actually calm. I ranted so hard the other day I had Lady Di in tears she was laughing so hard. Apparently I get funny when I’m pissed and wanting to rip his only remaining nut off.

But, since I am still seeing Lady Di we are having a movie night friday and I am so excited. I love movie nights with her. We feed off of each other.. hard. Add alcohol and kids movies and it’s a wicked combination. It’s like Sephi and I x 50.

She has been taking a belly dancing class lately. I know some of you are thinking “Oh serene, did she ask you to do it with her? Oh that would be awesome and hilarious!” And yeah, it would be. It already is with just her and her sister in law. Adding me would just make it worse. But no. She didn’t ask me to join. That class.  No, no. She wants me to do a class with her in fall. It’s a burlesque class. I’d get to use a cane. I am intrigued. Oh, yes it will be hilarious. I will fall off chairs.. strangle myself with the boa and generally make an asshole out of myself but that’s what the two of them are doing in the belly dancing class as well sooo… I’m considering it depending on the price of the class. You should all be scared. Very, very scared. So if you live in my area and are taking that class and see a group of women in the back of the room cackling and generally just heckling one another as they go.. stand back. That’s all I’m saying. Three accident prone people, with little grace and very little athleticism in a dance class. Just, just stay back.

>Confessional

>I wrote a post today. A long one too. All about Cael and I’m staying and what’s happening and I published it. Then I walked out of the room and felt insanely vulnerable and unhappy with the post. So I deleted it. I just couldn’t capture what I was trying to get across in it properly so I thought it best not to leave it up. Of course Cael still got it. Being that he’s directly signed up to the blog in my setting he gets posts instantly. Of course he knows what I was trying to say because I’ve said all of it to him several times so I know with him at least he’ll get it and know what I was trying to get across. He always does. *shrugs*So yes. I may try writing it again at some point but right now, I’m just drained from it and honestly a post about random things sounds really good.

First of all, I’m not dieing. There is no cancer, or infection. My doctor isn’t sure what’s going on in my vagina but we’re working on it. He wants to switch my birth control method and test me again in a couple months to see if that fixes it. If not, it may just be natural for me *shrugs* He even asked if I was having more sex than usual because it could be a sensitivity or allergy to semen. Heh. No. I haven’t had sex in.. well. A really long time. Long enough I’m not counting it in months anymore. Cael suggested it was lack of sex, that I actually needed sex to be normal. If nothing else it made me laugh :) Hopefully we’ll get to try out that theory sooner than later.

I finally got to go shopping yesterday. First time in over a week. Having a teenage boy in the house.. your food diminishes quickly. It was not a cheap trip. But! I did get the stuff to make roasted salsa and it amazing good. Which, by the way I put in jars to freeze. I opened the freezer this morning and apparently some time over night some of the jars rebelled. Two had lids popped off of them. The third jar… it shattered. That was a fun wake up. Today I have bread to make.. mostly because I just wanna. I like making bread. I find it oddly soothing.

The last few days have done nothing but rain here. The first night we had tornado warnings. Two of them touched down.. on either side of us. It was a fun night. Somehow my plants managed to survive the rain, hail and wind. My tomatoes are flowering (!!!) and I seen the tips of some lettuce starting to poke up in the other garden. My basil, however is still a no show. I’m pretty much at the fuck it point and plan on buying a basil plant in the next week or so.

Other than that there isn’t much going on. Family drama has irrupted in unbelievable ways. Drama llama does not even begin to cover it. It’s more elephanty at this point. I’ve managed to bury myself in talking to Cael and reading. In four days I Think I’ve read six books. I bought two more of them yesterday and already finished the one. My nerd? It’s showing.

>Double Post

>Yes, I am double posting. Amazing what sitting and thinking can do.

I realized that with Caels new plan for control it would be a lot easier if I consented to sex right away. We could be together sooner, we could have sex.. But, I can’t do that. It’s not because I don’t want to, god knows I do. He affects me like nobody else ever has. All he has to do is walk in a room and my panties will splash when they hit the ground without him even touching me. I just can’t justify doing it right away without the security there. Without knowing that we’re okay…really okay. That I’m back home and staying there. And quite honestly that I can trust him with everything again, be that vulnerable and know it’s okay.. it’s safe.(However, I’m not entirely discounting it either because I know us. I’m just putting out there that it may not happen the first time we’re face to face again. There’s a lot to repair.) He’s working at it really hard, he’s gaining that trust back, he’s talking to me more again. He’s slowly letting me back in to things. There are some things he’s not, I know he has access to Internet accounts that he has me blocked on from before. And part of me is bothered, the rest of me gets it. I know there are things on there he doesn’t want me seeing from before, be it things he’s said or timing being off from when he was cutting me out. Either way.. it bugs me, but I know it’ll be dealt with before we get to that whole sex thing. It’s an odd understanding really. Just like I know right now if he falls off the wagon and has sex he’s not going to tell me. He knows it will be a melt down on my part, that’s why we’re apart. I spent a long time thinking.. and yes, this separation is for him to work on himself and get back in control. But it’s not just for him. He knows me. He knows me well. He knew I wouldn’t walk away from him no matter how many times he had a set back. He knew I’d let it tear me apart before I left him. I have insane commitment and loyalty where he is concerned. So, he did it for me in some respects as well as himself and our relationship. I know part of his reasoning was protecting me. I also know part of why he’s testing out his new control theory so hard is for that exact same reason. So he doesn’t end up hurting me, hurting us. Plus I don’t think he wanted to completely have us deteriorate to the point there was no option to even have an “Us,” anymore once he was okay. I don’t know. Some days I feel really alone without him in the capacity that he used to be in. Other days I know it’s his way or protecting me/us (and even himself because I know he gets upset when I’m upset.)and I’m okay.

Was there a point to this? No. I just needed to ramble and everybody seems to be in bed so I couldn’t ramble at them. This is clearly what a blog is for!