Holy Shitballs.

So, it’s been eerily quiet here since I moved. Why? It’s been a shit storm. The month of June was spent in a depression and phase to dark that I didn’t even speak to most people outside of my house. When I did it took days to recover from it. Then, July hit with a vengeance. July was spent in the hospital.

My Grandmother had been sick for a couple months and it had intensified the last few weeks. She had no balance, wasn’t eating, couldn’t be left alone because she’d turn the stove on and walk away, she couldn’t get what she was trying to say out, etc. So, after several fights of all of us trying to get her to go to a doctor a family friend came into the house and packed her out to the car and took her to the hospital.

One week later they finally figured out that it was lung cancer that had stems leading off into the brain. They did radiation on her brain and were about to start on her chest when she started feeling pain. The cancer had hit the lymph nodes and it was everywhere. It was fatal before that happened but once it hit the glands it was instant. Within a day she was in a drug coma just so she wasn’t in constant pain, and about three days later she was gone. I’ve always been able to tell when a person is gone, even if their body is right in front of me. I knew she was gone the day before I Went in to see her for the last time. I was reading a book and as I turned the page it just hit me. I walked into the room the next day and could tell she wasn’t there anymore.

We had her wake week or so ago. It was nice, she would have liked it. She was never one for funerals. She wanted everybody together and drinking. So, that’s what we did. My mother got plowed. It was her way of dealing. Held her shit together until that day and lost it. My grandfather is doing okay, probably take some time to really hit home. My dad was a mess, my aunt a bigger mess. And I’ve… been okay. I teared up a bit twice and other had a couple days where my brain went for a shit because I was holding so much together that my brain went on strike. I was standing in the kitchen pouring a drink and it took several minutes for me to figure out why it was spilling. There was still water in the jug, why would it spill? Well, because I Was watching the jug empty, not the cup fill.

 

It’s gotten better, but the last two months have just royally sucked.  The last week I’ve been cleaning my parents room so I can paint and redo it for their anniversary. They wont be around that week so it will be a nice surprise. While they’re gone I’m spending time with Lady Di and Lori. Very excited for that. Branching out, living again. It’s exhausting work.